Hello, my puppets...

How I TTV

2010-06-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I know this blog is mostly abandoned, but I've been planning this post for a while and didn't feel that making a new site was worth the trouble! Welcome, readers, to my personal guide to TTV photography.

Before I start, I'd like to mention that there is nothing in this post that a trip through the Googleverse couldn't provide for you. I'm not giving away any trade secrets: none of this was made up entirely by me. But I wanted to show you how I do my TTV self portraits, in case you might find something in here useful. Also, this blog refers to digital TTV photography. I don't trust myself enough to do film TTVs, but if you can I emphatically tip my hat to you. The Through The Viewfinder group on Flickr is also an excellent source of information.

First, what is TTV? TTV stands for "through the viewfinder," which, if it isn't already self-explanatory, is a photography technique that involves shooting an image through one camera's viewfinder with another camera. Pretty much any camera around has a viewfinder that helps to frame the shot, but most TTV photographs are shot through the viewfinders of medium format cameras. The big, bright screens and characteristic frames and textures help add artistic value to the picture. Here are some examples of my own TTV work:

Still lost? Don't worry, I'm going to get a lot more detailed. Let's start with the basic equipment you'll need.

1) A camera with a viewfinder on top, the kind that you look down into. I use an old Argus Super 75 (for now, I want to get another model too) that I got off Etsy, but you can find other cameras like this for very convenient prices all over the place. Popular models for TTV include the Argus 75, Kodak Duaflex, Spartus Fullvue, and many more. The differences in these cameras are mostly in the borders and the unique abnormalities of the particular body. I was looking for a camera with dust and scratches inside, but a lot of people prefer their viewfinders to be clean. It's really up to you! I do recommend, though, if you are looking for a camera on the internet that you find a seller who provides you with a picture of the viewfinder so that you know what you're getting.

2) A camera with macro capabilities or a macro lens. I use my Canon 5D Mark II with a 100mm 2.8 macro lens, and it works wonderfully. You want to be able to fill the frame with the viewfinder image as much as you can. I've heard of people using other lenses with a magnifying filter attached to them, but I have no experience in that department and cannot speak to its function.

3) A tripod. Well, two if you're going to do self portraits or need that kind of stability. I find using two essential (except this morning, where I used a chair, but you really should use tripods for extra dependability). I happen to have two because I'm a camera collecting freak and my addictive ways have lead to me having more than one tripod, but if you find a sufficient way to support your cameras then do what works for you. One of the tripods is for the viewfinder camera and the other is to angle your main camera above it (duh).

Now, those are really the main ingredients. If you have that you are well on your way to being TTV efficient, but if you really want to get some drool-worthy shots you'll want these things, too:

4) A "contraption." Where the term came from I really don't know, but what you really need to know is that a contraption is a sort of sleeve that fits on your viewfinder camera and your main camera's lens to block out light and reflections. There are dozens of kinds of contraptions, the majority of which can be made yourself from common household materials. I made mine from a shoebox cut to the dimensions of my Argus. While the contraptions do an amazing job at blocking out most of the light and reflections, they don't do so flawlessly. Remember, when you fit the lens into the top of the contraption you are putting a round object into a square hole. That's where the scarf comes in! Just wrap it around the top and you're good to go.

Onto the setup! Today I'm going to shoot an old shed with a really ugly and spiny weed in front of it. Not really an artistic masterpiece, but it'll give you a pretty good idea of what's going on.

Call in tripod #1 with the viewfinder camera on it...

...and add main camera on tripod #2. Just put the lens into the contraption and get the viewfinder into the frame.

Let's see what we have on my Canon:

Obviously there are two problems right off the bat. First, the image isn't in focus, and second, there's a bit of light and reflection peeking through. That's where Mr. Scarf comes in!

That should solve all stray light issues from now on.

When I do TTV photography, I work 100% manually. That means manual focus, manual exposure, manual aperture, etc. Some people like being able to autofocus with their TTV setup, but I find being on auto in this situation to be very undependable. Trust me, as soon as your lens is in the contraption the camera on auto mode will get very confused about where to focus, and the same goes with exposure since pretty much half your frame is dark. My tip? Work manually. Onward!

This is what we have now:

Now is it all becoming clear? The TTV image will be flipped: whether or not you want to flip it back in photoshop is your call.

But hang tight, we're not done yet. Sure, the TTV objective has been satisfied, but not by my standards. When I crop that sucker down I'm going to be losing a lot of the original large size, and I really don't want to cut out any more than necessary, so the next step is to get that viewfinder to fill the frame as much as I can by lowering the camera down further into the contraption.

There. That's loads better. I like to include the black border, so I try to keep a little bit in there to work with. No need to exaggerate in either direction! You'll want to be careful because how much fits into the frame is also dependent on how it is focused so compensate for that. In this case I may even try for a smaller border when I go for the final shot but I don't want to overdo it!

I do self portraits and usually use my remote, but since everything here is done manually to my liking I'm comfortable with using the self timer.

I'll go with this shot. Again, not a masterpiece, I'm just trying to show you what I do. And damn, that plant really hurts to touch.

When you have a shot you feel like using, take it into photoshop to do the essential crop. Then feel free to edit it to your heart's content!

Just so you know, one problem I've encountered with TTV self portraiture is a severe lack of mobility. Your abilities are dictated a lot by your tripods: raise the viewfinder camera too high, even to what seems to be a reasonable height, and you won't be able to get the shot with the main camera. Point the viewfinder camera down too much and you won't be able to get the shot without your other tripod getting into the frame. It's a very careful process that takes lots of exploration, and I'm still figuring things out myself.

I really hope this entry inspires you and helps you in your work. TTV has been a godsend for me and changed the way I look at things all around. The allure of this kind of photography has been how evocative it can be of another time, and if it takes you there then I'm happy.

Please leave me any feedback and questions! I'd love to know what you think.

Off to edit other shots I've done, puppets. Farewell! And go ahead and check out my other TTV work on Flickr if you have the time.
Diana

ALL WORDS AND IMAGES ON THIS BLOG ARE COPYRIGHT TO DIANA PINTO, 2010. DO NOT USE ELSEWHERE WITHOUT MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION.

Triggers

2009-12-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know why certain people become the way they are...what drives their tastes, interests, etc. It's not always one thing that hits you in the face and is recognized immediately. But when it comes to my art, I think I've finally found the picture that started it all:

Perhaps it seems silly now, but I saw it at a very impressionable moment in my life. I was 12, just fresh from two consecutive photography camp experiences (I did traditional darkroom photography at Westridge, then a digital photo course at Vassar) and spending the last few weeks before 8th grade in Rome. The movie, better known as A Tale of Two Sisters in English speaking countries, was about to open in Italy and the posters were papering the streets right and left.

My dad thought it was very disturbing and advised us not to look at it, but I was hypnotized. In my pre-teen age of self discovery I was bound to find a foothold to strongly grasp, to define the direction my thoughts would go. A girl who turned away squeamishly from horror suddenly became entranced by it...oh, what was I feeling? And why question it? This was nothing ordinary in my mind, not the standard rake-your-innards-out gore. Right or wrong, the feelings stirred were real given my circumstances and exposure to such things in life. It to me was beautiful and ominous, unlike anything I had previously seen or felt. And the fact that the Italian release date was on my birthday? Icing on the cake (though it must be said I was unable to actually see the movie for another two years).

Sometimes the things that affect you forever aren't the most expected or the most elevated. Some are moved deeply by masterpieces from art history, others by Korean horror film posters. Whatever it says about your character, be it something oozing subtlety or a flair for the dramatic, and whether or not others see what you saw is of no importance. A trigger is a trigger after all, and therefore an inexplicable fondness lingers.

November

2009-11-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

It's been ages since an update, but I figured I should show some signs of life!

I haven't taken new pictures in about a month. This is not something I'm happy about, but I've been saying a long time that I should take a break...and I suppose this is it! I'm aiming to get new things done Thanksgiving weekend. Till then I will do a lot of brainstorming. I lose inspiration when stuck in one place for a long period of time, so come vacation and a weekend in a hotel let's hope for something good!

School has been keeping me very busy. Beyond that, not much is going on (except new photo-worthy clothes on the way).

Ta ta, puppets!
Diana

2009-07-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon, puppets. I'm not usually one to go off on public rants like this, but since it pertains to my work I concluded here is as good a place as any and I might as well get it out before the freshness-seal on my train of thought expires. I'm sorry if this may seem overly hostile or defensive, but this is an issue that has been bothering me for quite a while and it might explain a thing or two about what I do, so all you critics listen well.

I am a self portraitist. Got that? If you can't handle that you can suck my 50mm. This is by no means a proclamation of vanity, so don't get it twisted. I know that nowadays this is a title synonymous with "cam-whore," but if you're that narrow minded you really need to find somewhere else to spread your flawed judgment. Do the names Cindy Sherman and Francesca Woodman ring any bells? I am not saying I am at their level, but if they can be taken seriously why can't I? I'm sick and tired of getting comments like, "Don't you take pictures of other people?" C'mon, geniuses, look at my photos and take a guess.

Let me tell you a little story while I'm at it: I was once a young, inexperienced little blossom of a photographer with a shutter happy finger and a love for Photoshop (I started taking PS lessons when I was 9, you know), snapping away at pens and doorknobs until the day I got a tripod and remote. Naturally I started taking pictures of myself to practice, but I looked at it more as self expression. I was heavily motivated by deviantArt and eventually Flickr, but I strove to preserve some semblance of originality and thought. I think it's fair to say I've grown a lot since then, but surprise, surprise, I continue to be my own subject. However, in these times when the camera arts are prolific to say the least, there is unspoken rule that self portraitists must eventually graduate to general portraiture and, more popularly, fashion. Otherwise one is looked upon as being stale and vain, stubborn and close-minded.

This is a highly unjust assumption. While some may fall into this category, I still put a LOT of effort, lunch money, and imagination into what I do. I have fun, and I'd like to think people, though few, appreciate it. So why are the efforts of a self-portraitist not looked upon as a high form of artistic expression? Now, I'm not saying I do not want or will never take pictures of others. I do, I honestly do, but I'm not going to lie and say, "Ohh, I feel so boring and uninspired from taking so many pictures of myself!" I repeat, I have SO MUCH FUN doing self-portraits. It is to me a medium of expression to which not many still-standing art forms can be compared with satisfaction. But until I get "models," where do I stand in this highly judgmental world?

And to what end, might I add? Must I be pressured into taking pictures of pretty girls so that one day I might have the privilege of shooting even more pretty, skinny girls for fashion editorials looking so austerely chic their sharp, serrated stares could draw blood? That isn't very enticing if you ask me. I almost fell into that trap last year, which is my work sucked major in 2008. I sat around for weeks at a time thinking to myself, "No, I'm not worth anything as a photographer unless I have models and pretty clothes andsetsandlightingequipmentandastudioandanagentpwioyochvrjsgyubhnfjioguvbhjlx!!!" I got nothing of worth done. Then my mind was refreshed with the arrival of my 5D Mark II and it was as though I had woken up from an awful, suffocating dream. Where was the innovation, the wonder? Did I really want to become some factory, churning out pictures with the same level of joy possessed by an electric stapler? I think not. This year has been marvelous for me: I haven't felt this artistically effervescent since that momentous summer spent in Italy.

Sure, many days I get discouraged. I ask myself, "Why don't people look at my work in awe and wonder and sweep me into a current of glory of admiration?" I crawl into my bedsheets and night, stewing in thoughts on inferiority and envy. This happens more often than not, sadly. But it really is a journey. I have to tell myself that my day will come. I just have to keep working at it, for what you sow you will reap. I'm doing this for me. And just because I don't have dozens of emails in my inbox begging for commissions or offering features in magazines doesn't mean I don't have anything to offer the world. I am not lazy or lacking drive simply because I do not photograph others.

So no, puppets, you will not be seeing me shooting for Vogue or I-D, but I assure you I will continue to enjoy what I do. I will see where this crazy, wonderful photography world takes me. If that means I'll take pictures of myself until my skin is wrinkled and gray then so be it. I only ask that you do not look upon me with condescending eyes because I love what I am doing. I love that feeling of excitement when the composition and spontaneity blend and spark, when the days and weeks spent preparing finally lock into a tangible product, a picture to which delight and pride can be attached. Could I please get some credit for that?

Sorry to vent like that, but I just had to get it out.

Later, puppets!
Diana

Summer plans!

2009-05-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Hello, puppets! Summer is nearly upon us as far as the calendar goes, but the weather has decided get the sun shining and burning ahead of schedule. Not that it's a huge surprise here in LA! this entry is NOT going to sound like the usual me, but there's the dark, creepy me and then the light, pretty me. Get ready for some pretty talk!

My summer plans are falling into place now that I have a month left of classes. I'm going back to Montana for a month! I'll probably work part time, but I'm really excited because I have tons of new ideas for art that involve Montana. I find it strange how when I was there I practically hit a wall, but now the ideas are flowing...I can't wait! And in August I will be off to visit my dear friend Zee again. Oh yes, there is much to look forward to...except my birthday. I don't want to be 18! Adulthood doesn't sound exciting at all.

I've been slipping a lot into Americana recently. You know my obsession with past eras in history, and right now I'm really enjoying the 40s. As much as I adore my European roots, sometimes it's nice to think about 4th of July and cherry pie. Last summer was pretty American! This one will probably be, too. Anyways, 40s clothes were lovely, so flattering and appealing. The silhouettes are to die for!! I've been perusing etsy and other clothes sites and building dream 40s wardrobes in my head. I need clothing!!

One of the dearest clothing pieces to me is the simple summer dress. I can't get enough of them. I just want to put on something knee-length and prairie-licious and walk through the city. If there's one thing I like in clothing it's the timeless quality of it and summer dresses are like that. It's just nice to be pretty sometimes!! Like this dress. Doesn't it make you want to pick blueberries, drink iced tea, and run through tall grass? Sometimes I just want to live in the movie Lolita, except for the Jeremy Irons killing my mom part. And even if this dress isn't summery, it's SO PRETTY that I want to wear it to every public garden in the county. Pity I'm not made of money!!

Anyways, before I get carried away, I just want to let you know that I might not have much new art until summer break. Usually what happens to me is that when I look forward to something I get into a frenzy planning for it and can't concentrate on anything else!

Don't forget the sunscreen, puppets!
Diana

Moderate

2009-05-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

New shot!

"Persuasion"

'Twas fun. I collected the dead bees this past week and shot it yesterday. One strobe light (I'm a sucker for paramount lighting). Lots of honey soaking my carpet. But totally worth it!

Conversely, I just need a break from technology sometimes. You know what would be fun? Doing one of those programs like Frontier House and just feeling the day to day go by without the pressure to rush. I mean, the day to day includes beheading your own chickens for food, bathing in a tin basin, and praying that your crop will grow. No wonder people found Jesus back then...but still, it's quite appealing an adventure to have. Maybe there are camps like that! But I would like to bring my camera.

I'm just waiting for summer to arrive. Still not sure what I'm doing yet, but I definitely don't want to be sitting at home doing nothing. But I'm NOT looking forward to my birthday. I tried not even acknowledging mine last year, but that failed miserably. Perhaps I'm merely saddened by how much pressure there is to be a prodigy nowadays. I feel frakking OLD, for the love of god. 18 is just another nail in the coffin.

In other news, my faith in human goodness was a fraction of being partially restored last week. Tuesday I left my precious book of poetry in the history lecture room! I haven't even put them on a computer yet! But I had written my email in there so the person who found it decided to be kind and return it to me. I had to wait an extra day, but very grateful was I. A little embarrassed because some of my writings are a bit personal, but grateful because he didn't have to give it back. He could have kept it for whatever reason. He could have rolled up the pages and used them to snort cocaine (is that how you do it?). But no, he didn't. And it made me think about what I would have done...would I have returned a find like that? Me, who enjoys owning personal things of others? I wasn't sure at the time, but this event showed me how much things like this matter. So now I would give it back. Not just because it's right, but because I gain nothing from taking away someone's heart.

Anyways. Tomorrow is Monday. Time to shut my brain off and get through another week.

Later puppets!
Diana

Spring Break!

2009-04-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

Hey puppets! It's spring break but the heat is more like summer today. It has arrived too quickly if you ask me...

I have no plans for break, so I'm just going to hang around watching TV, going for walks, and taking pictures. I have a few ideas that I'm going to work at now but will take a while to culminate. But no worries, I have some new things to upload today! My latest, shot a couple weeks ago but posted only today:

"Things I Can't Tell Myself"

I'm happy with what I've been getting done this year. I finally feel more free knowing that I can be a perfectionist without being picky. I've come to accept, however, that I might now be able to make a career out of this. I'm not sure how I could commercialize what I do. Most of my pictures are set up in my bedroom with cheap stuff I get at CVS, or things I find. Like any magazine would commission me for editorials! I'm afraid of what happened to my work last year happening again if I try to force fashion/beauty into my pictures. Maybe it'll come to me eventually, but for now I'm fine with my window light and my paints. I do want to experiment with my lights more, but not in the sense that I want to find the most even, bland, technically "perfect" lighting in the book. And at some point it'd be nice to work with models, but I don't want to lose sight of what makes me feel good about my art. All things in time...

Oh, but I have been contacted by a magazine for a feature. Details will follow as they become more clear! Anyone know any good US based photo magazines I could submit to? All the photography magazines are in the UK and they don't take my work! =P

I've also realized something about myself: I love TV!!! I know it's supposed to make your IQ plunge into the negative range, but I think if you have a good balance between life and TV you'll be fine. And I don't watch EVERY show out there, but there are many I follow.

There is still way too much school ahead of me...two months left!! Summer is still a mystery. Maybe I'll go to Montana, maybe I'll stick around LA. I have no clue yet. But for now, I'm just trying to get through my classes and figure out what my life will be like. And I'm going to dance! I can't wait to start again. I also finally bought a swimsuit for the first time in ages. I haven't been swimming in YEARS.

Keep cool, puppets!
Diana

Why I deserve to be punished...

2009-03-26T21:56:00.001-07:00

God, this movie makes me wish I were still in high school:

Anyways, I have lots of things to look forward to in the coming months, so I'll keep you posted!

Later puppets,
Diana

Breathing exercises.

2009-02-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

I need to post here more often! But to be honest, the only thing going on right now is school. This is in part due to my computer out for its final repair so I can't edit pictures quite yet, so I suppose I'll talk about, well, school.

This is the first week of the spring term, and so far things are going nicely. My classes are history of art (from the Renaissance onward), Italian 2, Voice Techniques, Modern Dance, and Music Sight Reading. For now my favorite classes are definitely voice and dance. History of art is pretty interesting thanks to my interest in the subject matter and the cool teacher. We're just going over pre-Renaissance very briefly as a preface, and then we'll commence the lovely subject at hand. I have a thing for Dutch painters (Vermeer being my favorite) and a strange obsession with still lifes! Italian is fine, it's another subject I'm interested in, but I need more practice in conversation as opposed to writing assignments. I LOVE my dance and voice classes. I took ballet last term and wasn't particularly thrilled with how it ended up, but modern dance is so much more free-form and I really feel it. My voice class is one where I have tons of objectives, but we've only met twice and I already and starting to feel a bit of a difference! I'm hoping I'll be able to get some private training on the side, too. There's no verdict on the sight reading class yet, as it begins tomorrow.

I'm starting to think about transferring to another college, but I have to choose a major and I have no clue what I want to do. Of course I'm trying to pursue a creative career but I'm not sure I want to actually major in photography, y'know? Okay first off, I'm hoping to transfer to UCSB unless I decide on a more specialized pursuit. I did a summer program there a few years ago and although that didn't exactly go as merrily as it should have, in retrospect I find that I was most comfortable there at UCSB. Now as for a major...I was thinking Renaissance Studies or music. Renaissance studies would be the most plausible given that it is an academic major and therefore acquiring the knowledge of the subject won't be a difficulty, but my issue is that I absolutely abhor writing research papers with a passion that bores through my soul like a jackhammer and I have a feeling that Ren studies would have a lot of research. Music, on the other hand, would be quite enjoyable, but my issue is that most people who pursue music majors have been doing so for 10 or more years before college, which put me in a bit of a predicament.

My solution? Take it a day at a time. It'll come to me.

Okay, as for artsy stuff, my latest tick is really frakking cheap setups. So much fun! I'm going to raid the 99 cent store sometime this week. Who knew there could be so much usable stuff there?

I'm off to practice breathing (for voice)! I need more books to read too...

On the morrow, puppets!
Diana

A friendly reminder about the Internet.

2009-02-07T10:52:00.001-08:00

I know, no post in ages, but today there's something I want to address that's just been bothering me. I'll try to be snappy because I'm off to see Coraline in an hour, so bear with me.

I just want to remind everyone that this is the Internet. Not real life. I'm not on here all the time. So if I do not respond to people's messages, comments, etc. in 2 minutes, 2 days, or even 2 weeks, it's usually not because I'm ignoring you. I just have other things to do. When messages go un-replied online, there are usually 293864 reasons why this issue hasn't been attended to. My computer could be broken (which it annoyingly often is). I could be having liver surgery. I might just find you creepy and am trying to avoid you. But give me a break, okay?

I'd understand why you'd be pissed if you speak to me and I illicit no response whilst sitting at the same table in real life. Yeah, that's rude. But for the love of God, this is the Internet. I think we all get a little bit caught up on the technology that we use. Modern electronics has made communication fast, cheap, and easy. If we were using Pony Express and your message took ten days to get over here, I'd probably respond ASAP. However, such is not the case.

Shockingly enough, there is life off the computer. I do go to school. I have tests to study for, homework to complete, family to chill with and talk to, laundry to clean, cats to feed and play with, pictures to take, ideas to brainstorm, meals to eat, meals to avoid eating, feminists to piss off, hygiene to upkeep, snakes to charm, muscles to exercise, crimes that need avenging, groceries to sort, walks to take, and come on, James Bond isn't going to watch himself. And I just want to clarify that I would never fail to respond to a message because I "think I'm above someone." I don't want that people to have that false impression of me.

So please understand that it's really nothing personal. You don't have to be a complete dick with me if I don't get back to you in .93457 milliseconds. To be honest, I suggest you get a life too. It's a nice feeling.

Take care puppets,
Diana

The Honeymoon

2008-12-22T18:45:00.003-08:00

My darling puppets, the wait has ended and the beginning of a new era has commenced. I address you this evening, the twenty-second of December in the year two-thousand and eight at 7:08 PM Pacific Standard Time, to announce that I am now the proud owner of my very own Canon 5D Mark II. May the festivities begin!

Now dears, as with every union, my divine new companion and I will be taking a honeymoon. During this time we will explore the curves of each others bodies, the essence of every breath we take together, and the chemistry that joins us as one. Each minute spent will become a moment of glory, nay, history as we journey down the path of creative freedom hand-in-grip. Our bond is untouchable; our energy electric. The vows we exchanged will remain forever unbroken.

Our honeymoon will be a testament to the righteous future we embrace. Therefore, it is only proper that this time be spent in the privacy and sanctity of our own walls. We will no doubt invite you to the christening, but some rites of passage must be fulfilled far from peering eyes. But you shall see the fruits of our fine endeavors within the upcoming weeks!

And now, my puppets, I bid thee good night. And to my dear new mate, I bid hello!
Diana

P.S. I will also be naming my lovely new partner. He will be properly introduced to you after our honeymoon is well and done!

Expressions

2008-12-21T09:12:00.002-08:00

Puppets, I've recently been trying to break out of my comfort zone and try to be a bit less of a control freak. So one thing I've been doing is making silly little videos and posting them on my Facebook account. They're obviously not masterpieces, but they're fun to do! I made this one yesterday:

Goodness, I can't wait for HD video capture on the new 5D! My computer needs more RAM, though, so I hope I can keep up.

Anyways, I'm going to make a craft store run in the next few days, just to see what fun stuff I can come up with. Take care!

Catch you later, puppets!
Diana

P.S. This is probably my favorite SNL skit ever.

Procaine, Novocaine, whatever you call it...

2008-12-19T08:50:00.004-08:00

Puppets, my 3 days of dentistry work are complete. Cavities filled, gums scaled, teeth cleaned. I know it sounds like my mouth turned into some Scandinavian bog between dentist visits, but I assure you this wasn't so. You know how dentists are...you brush twice a day, floss when you feel like it, maybe commit to buy some Listerine for a few months, and when you feel like you've pampered your mouth enough your dentist says, "Assistant, get me the large scraper, we've got to clean you out. You should really brush more!! And there's some buildup in the very back of your mouth where the molars push out of the gums..." etc.

But today I'd like to address the miracle of science known as anesthetics. When it comes to painful medical procedures, I'd like to be as numbed and desensitized, but still as concious, as possible. If it were by me, I'd like to be so pain free during surgeries that I could just sit up and watch the doctors remove half my liver. What can I say, there's nothing like the real thing. But yes, my desire to be pain free clashes with my distaste for needles. I like looking at needles, I like holding needles, I can watch other people be stuck with needles, but getting shots is a big panic point for me. Despite what the doctors say ("This one honestly won't hurt!!") I feel them every time. So how do you think I felt when the dentists told me that over 2 days, my mouth would be stuck about 9 times? Not. Fun. Like. Carousels.

The first day I had my cleaning. The second day was when all the happy shots began. First came the topical so that the dentists could add to their argument that it wouldn't hurt. Then came the needles. All four of them. I decided to try that thing people keep telling me to do...close my eyes and count to 10. Surprisingly enough, it helped a little (although I still wish I had a mirror to watch, or at least someone to take pictures for souvenirs); I didn't feel the rest of the needles after the first one. For the rest of the procedure I closed my eyes and pictured myself as being some part of horrible, substandard operation in a dank, dark operating room with fluorescent green lights. You all should try it sometime, it really sets this mood. But on the topic of pain, I was so numbed that my dentist could have been carving the Statue of David of my molars for all I knew.

Day three was very much the same, but on the other side of my mouth and with as much procaine as a squirrel has blood. I think they have this policy where they can't numb your entire mouth...and let me tell you why. They didn't just numb my gums and teeth. They numbed my cheek, half of my tongue, my chin, and part of my nose. I could barely hold my face into a semi-normal position for 4 hours afterward and I was pretty sure it would slide off if I let it. When I ate food, if a bite ended up on the numbed half of my mouth I couldn't get it out without trouble. If I ate very very hot food, I had to keep it away from the anesthetized part otherwise I couldn't feel if it was burning or not. But the creepiest/most fun thing was what it felt like to touch the numbed parts: my fingers felt my face but my face didn't feel back. Licking my lips felt like I was tonguing a corpse (finally got that curiosity out of the way)!

But now my mouth is healthy and my face and nerves are back to normal. All I have to do is wash with a medicated rinse for a couple of weeks and I'm good...until I get my wisdoms removed sometime within the year. There's a bone saw somewhere with my name on it...

Another day, puppets!
Diana

Must...get...back...into...blogging!!!

2008-12-16T22:18:00.003-08:00

Arhghghghhg, puppets, I've fallen out of the blogosphere! But fear not, I am vowing to write often once more. It'll be a new years resolution! But yes, here's life for me so far:

Tomorrow at 9 AM I get to go to the dentist to have my gums scaled or what not, which involves needles of giddiness injected into my mouth flesh while doctors work fun equipment around my teeth while I smell their latex gloves covered in my blood under my nose. All the fun stuff. I should get dad to take pictures. It would be 50 times cooler if I could watch this happening to someone else, but nay, life does not work in such a manner. Did I mention I have to have another dental escapade the day after tomorrow as well? Not even I know what is going on!!

I am still on the waiting list for the Canon 5D Mark II. Actually, I'm on 2 waiting lists...one here in LA and another in Montana. Because the LA waiting list is over 200 people, and the Montana waiting list is about 20 people, so we'll see who gives me the call first. Did I mention I'm back in LA? Yep, killer joy like you've never seen.

I've registered for classes now, but since I'm starting in the intercession my brain and sanity can only handle so many classes. Therefore, I have opted for Italian and ballet, both of which I am eager to begin! AND one of the most awesome things about the school is that THE MOST awesome thrift store I have ever encountered in LA is just a block and a half away!! In fact, I went there today and bought 2 huge, poofy dresses, a large petticoat to go with them, and a lovely garden dress. You'll see them eventually!

Please allow me one paragraph to dedicate to things superficial...ugh, please don't make me start. It's not like tragedy has struck, but I've gained a teensy bit of weight upon my return thanks to the change in diet. I'm positive I will lose the weight once school begins, but for now I feel pretty crappy about it. I try to go on a hike everyday but it's been hard this past week to keep up thanks to the parade of doctors appointments I've had. Bad news: according to my doctor, a growth spurt is unlikely to happen. I swear, I would donate a 3rd of my liver if it meant I could gain another 6 inches in height! But I suppose 5'2" it is. For now. I also got my hair trimmed today for the first time in ages! I am never ever going to cut my hair, so I asked my hairdresser to trim the minimum healthy amount as possible. My hair is about 2 feet long, but losing and inch and a half is really noticeable for me! Hopefully I'll grow it back in no time.

Anyways, I hope to get more things to write about as life picks up again. I'm (hopefully) going to stay with my family in Rome for Christmas, so maybe I'll be able to feel lovely again as I always do when I return to the motherland.

Take care, puppets!
Diana

P.S. Funny story today, I was at my college asking about bus routes and this guy comes up to me, asks my nationality, and then gives me his address so I can send him a postcard from Italy! I wish I had gall like that.

Initiation

2008-11-10T10:20:00.003-08:00

Puppets, puppies, porcelain pop tarts, I know it has been a while! I need to get back into the swing of blogging. I've become extremely introverted within the past month, rediscovered the joys of paper journals, lots of personal changes going on...but now I shall fill you in!

First and foremost, I am returning to California! Yes, in about a week or so I will be back in LA. In January I will be starting school again, this time at a community college. I'm working very very hard to staying positive! I'm excited to come home. Nervous, yes. But hopeful and optimistic. I've changed so much in the 8 months I've been away! This week is my last week of work at the grocery store, and after that who knows when I'll get another job? But the experience has been enriching, to sum it up. I'm going to miss making my own money.

More fun news: on the 28th of October I took a little flight over to the sparkling metropolis of San Fransisco to once again visit Zeynep! We both became ill and were not in the mood to take pictures, so we merely chilled, watched movies, did a little shopping, and celebrated her 17th. Halloween was cancelled due to our illnesses, so we stayed in and watched The Matrix: Reloaded. Then on the weekend we went to the Asian Art Museum, where Zee and her mom met my dad and grandmother! Mind you, I haven't seen my grandmother since February, and my father since April, so it was a nice reunion. And hopefully this means my dad will let me visit Zee again!

Speaking of pictures, let me state the obvious: I haven't taken any in...over a month. Because I'm waiting for the Canon 5d Mark II. I thought it was being released at the end of this month, but apparently the new word is that December is the more likely time. It had BETTER be released before I leave for my family visit in Italy. I'm proud of myself for saving enough money for the new camera...I have a plethora or accessories I need to buy for it, but I might ring in the new purchase with some new lighting equipment (I'm thinking a smaller softbox, a boom, grids, barndoors, or reflectors), maybe even a new lens. I'll need to figure out my expenses, but I need to treat myself and kick this photography thing back into formation.

My cold is almost gone, but I have a lip infection that's positively puzzling me. The swelling has gone down for the most part, but it's extremely uncomfortable right now. Ack, oh well...

Anyways, that's a generic update for you. See you in California!

Farewell puppets!
Diana

Doomsday and the Necessary Revolution...

2008-10-12T10:02:00.007-07:00

...sounds like the name of a band, no? How about "The United States and Our Struggling Economy" or "Diana and her Massive Rant?"

Please note that I'm just a citizen with an opinion. This is my view from the outside looking in, this isn't me trying to convince people I am the smartest/coolest/best person biology ever created.

I'll kick this off with economy. I am not in a position of financial trouble at the moment. I mean, I'm not rich or anything but I don't have debts to pay. I don't have a credit card, a credit score, credit anything. I'm an innocent little minor, for the love of God. Admittedly, it is a little surreal to turn on the radio and hear, "The Dow plunged another ___ points today..." when I remember just a few months ago sitting at the TV and hearing, "The Dow is up 3 points, the NASDAQ down 2." Then again, just a few months ago I was in the quaint village of Los Angeles walking through Old Town, sneaking out of the house to buy a tube of mascara at CVS, and wearing tights and skirts and now I'm in the wilderness of Montana, making my own money, and watching the snow fall outside as I eagerly await the November release of the Canon 5D Mark II. So yeah, maybe it's going to take a bit more than numbers to surprise me.

I'm not saying this isn't a big problem. Everyday I hear how people close to me are affected by this negatively. I knew that it was impossible for me to live my entire life without a few tragedies happening, but now I wonder if doomsday is scheduled at a closer date than we thought. Have you watched the Discovery Channel lately? According to them, Vesuvius and Yellowstone National Park (which I happen to live less than a mile away from) are due to erupt, asteroids are going to make contact with Earth in the next 30 years, we're running out of oil, the ozone is depleting, the polar ice caps are melting, nuclear weapons are or are not being developed, and our entire world is becoming fatter. Bad timing much? I thought all I had to worry about were the aliens attacking. This isn't Armageddon because not even God could make this up. What a great time to be a human being...

At least I can turn on the radio and find myself entertained by the hilarious joke of a circus act we call politics. It seems as though I'm the only one who listens to the debates and speeches and hears nothing but a pack of lies and false promises. Seriously, when has ANY president fulfilled every promise he made to America during his campaign? Why should I trust anyone more than I ever have? The world is in shambles! Why am I some beast because I don't buy into any of this at this point in history? Neither of the candidates is Superman (thank god, because picturing them in spandex is not encouraging). I've never been politically charged, true, but sorry if thinking realistically prevents me from picking a side. Open your eyes: America is not the golden country it used to be.

Due to my lack of televisual broadcast, I listen to the radio to keep up-to-date on current events. Sometimes I wish I didn't because while my family hears the report on elections, economy, and foreign matters, all I hear are the reporters and politician masturbating. Seriously. Gross, right? Every time there is some sort of catastrophe, the politicians and the media come in their pants because they finally have something to talk about. The little voices out of the speaker are excellent when it comes to the talk, talk, talk, but what about the walk, walk, walk? When will everyone start actually doing anything about all of our problems? Do you really think that you buying a couple of Green Bags is going to save the rain forest? Or that one person riding a bike is going to lower gas prices? We only think this because we expect the big guys at the top to do the real work. Guess what? They're busy with one hand counting their cash and the other hand down their pants, their mouths telling us what we want to hear.

Stop expecting someone else to make a difference for you. For us. This is a group effort here. Sure, voting is a matter of faith, but be honest; we're never going to know who's best for the job until after they are elected and put to the test in the Oval Office. Do you really trust them that much? We've had horrible presidencies before, who's to say it's never going to happen again? Enough with dividing ourselves into parties and cutting each others' throats; how are we supposed to be a nation united as one if we're so busy pitting ourselves against each other? I'm not saying don't vote. I'm not saying "fuck democracy," or that politicians are evil (although the corruption is undeniable). I'm saying that if we really want to make a difference, things are going to have to change massively. We can't keep acting as though everything is business as usual because obviously keeping things exactly as they always have been hasn't been working. Going through the motions won't change a thing...we need more than that. If you want to use the word "revolution," fine, because that's the closest word for what we need that I can come up with. That doesn't mean we storm DC with torches and pick-axes, it means we toss out the garbage and take it from the top. We use our brains for once instead of our wallets. Things will not be the same six months, a year, 5 years from now. And they shouldn't be. We just need to decide if the change is for betterment or for destruction before it's too late.

Anyways, I didn't expect to write this much. Please don't bite my head off if you have problems with what I wrote. Have a nice Sunday everyone! =)

Later, puppets
Diana

The expatriate life for me!

2008-10-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've been experiencing different lifestyles for a while now...I've tried out the school lifestyle. Small-town life, check. Working life, check. Now I'm applying for schools, but there is one method of living that, besides the pirate life, is the one I know deep deep down is truly the life for me. And that would be expatriatism.

It's no secret that I'm obsessed with travelling...at least every other blog I write details how I pine for Europe, for the concourse of an airport, for the excitement of being somewhere different. I can't help it...everywhere that feels like home is everywhere but home. When I finally get into a stable situation (but hopefully before that) I want to live extensively in all parts of the world. My dad is constantly telling me, "Diana, I have a feeling that if somebody told you right now that you could live in Italy you would be off without a thought," as if it's a bad thing, and obviously it would be true. I see no point in staying grounded and dissatisfied just for the sake of convenience! When my heart cries out for something more, how could I possibly ignore it?

I have every intention to carry out my plans for expatriatism, but first I need actual plans. And roots in the places I want to live. And lots of money, unfortunately...but I am determined! I will find a way to carry out the immersion my conciousness so desperately longs for...sigh...

Anyways, while my mind is busy dreaming of far off places, my eyes are busy with the deliciousness of Rum Tum Tugger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4G8WMbmCJY

What can I say, I love a good musical. Meowrrr.

Later, puppets,
Diana

Gag me, I'm a cashier.

2008-10-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

Long time no post, I know. Life has been indescribable at the moment...but tonight (if my mom doesn't rip the power cord out of the wall) I bring you a semi-vent issue about my job.

It's about the customers. Specifically, those of the male gender. And how they look at me. And talk to me. And thoroughly creep me out.

Now, let me hit some targets while I'm behind this rifle; this isn't a feminist castration rant, and I'm not crying to mommy because some 60+ year-old man called me "baby." This is more about how completely alien this kind of attention is to me. Growing up I was never really found alluring by guys, a trend which continued through middle and high school. Some blame idiocy on the opposite part, I blame it on the powers that be. And that I was kind of an idiot back then, too...but anyways, all this attention is recent, save for this pedophile guy who always talked to me at a grocery store when I was 9 (in case you were wondering, my dad swooped in in time to extricate me from that situation).

I'm not freaking out too much because I know this is something I'll have to get used to. While it is flattering in a very very very sad way to see that someone thinks I conform to whatever fetish they have, I can't help but notice the kind of men they are; typically old (older than my tastes, and that's saying a lot), smelly, and obviously desperate. And usually buying a can of beer, with a belly to match. Get the picture yet? I'm seriously waiting for the day one of them lays a hand on me so I can pull out the cash register, swing it over their head, and crack their skull open on my counter.

You'd be surprised at how many men wink at me behind their wives' backs. I don't get it...what is it about the cashier girl that gets them hard? For the love of God, go home and make love to your wife/lover/wife's lover's dog. Just don't rape me with your eyes the way you do. Don't try to curl your fingers around mine when I give you change. Don't call me sweetheart, or dear, or whatever objectifying phrase you can recall from your 80's porn collection, and especially not in that tone that sounds like you're still coming down from this morning's major monkey-spank session. I'm paid to sell you your Slim Jims and Bud Light, not to give in to your coveted fantasies of getting blown is Aisle 7. Sorry, try that at Wal-Mart, you'll probably have better luck.

To be honest, no one really touches me or anything, and getting dirty talk is isolated in occurrence. But what bothers me are the little things...like the looks I get, or the fake conversation men put up. Especially that. When I hear things in that tone like, "I won't be in town for a day or two," I register it as, "I want to go down on you," and I want to smash their eggs and shout, "No, I will not unzip for you, you freak!"

Instead I stay silent. And that's what bothers me most of all...knowing I can't act out in disgust because my job is on the line. Apparently employers don't think an employee who kicks their customers in the dick is good for business. Half the time I'm not sure what I would say or do anyways, but that's not my kind of discomfort and I hate knowing that they probably know how awkward I feel.

Let it be known that I'm not constantly harassed and that nothing too serious happens, but still, I wish I had more control of the situation. I'm sure you know what I mean. And on a completely immature note, the attention wouldn't bother my half as much if the offender were attractive in the least! It's one thing to hear, "You should be in the movies!" from a nearly-geriatric alkie, but if those words came from the lips of a svelte, well-cut male I might just react a bit more gently (oh yeah, think suggestive, I'll invite you to that party).

Anyways, enough of my talking in circles. It's time for beddie-bye!

G'night, puppets!
Diana

It's here!

2008-09-17T06:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.usa.canon.com/consumer/controller?act=ModelInfoAct&fcategoryid=139&modelid=17662#ModelDetailAct

yes, yes, YES! Finally, after months of work, over a year of hope, and enough patience to re-stone the Appian Way, I can successfully say that I can afford this camera. It'll be available at the end of November so the waiting is not over yet, but that time is going to fly now that I know that all the cashiering is for a reason! I'm really proud of myself; had this been me 6 months ago, I would have spent all that money on clothes and antiques, but I didn't. I stuck to this goal.

http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/canon-usa-introduces-highly-anticipated/story.aspx?guid=%7BA9326CCF-9CD6-4BB7-AFC4-8DA5441F6C7E%7D&dist=hppr

Some features on the camera I don't particularly care for (Live View and HD Video Capture being the main ones) but the rest make my lungs shrink with delight! 21.2 MPs! Illumination Correction! Lighting Optimizer! Fuck me! Not to mention the price is better than I expected ($2,700 for just the body...meaning I can probably afford to get a battery grip, extra memory cards, a compatible remote, and maybe even some polarizer filters!)

Wow...just, wow. I don't know what sex feels like, but this is better than it!

See you in November, my mysterious knight!Diana

Envy: the driving force of flattery.

2008-08-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

If I ever tell you "I envy you!!" I'm not saying it so that you in return will tell me "Well, I envy you!" I'm over that stage of my life. No, I'm saying it because it's the truth.

I'm saying it because it's more honest than "Great job!" or "You're awesome!" because 88.4398% of the time, any form of congratulation is a watered-down expression of jealousy. The other 11.5602% of the time, the praise is left-handed.

Why hide it? I mean, envy, while one of the most agonizing of emotions, is a form of flattery. It's not like it's a bad thing if I tell you of my jealousy. Doesn't it feel good to know I am committing sins of envy in your favor? Sure, it's harder to respond to than a simple compliment, but it's more succinct and much less trite. Not to mention, as the point of all this is, it's as honest as you can get.

Facts of life, as dictated by gods upon columns of alabaster, declare that when you say, "I'm so happy for you!" it translates as "I envy every cell in your body with the fury of a thousand cyclones." Stop acting like you wouldn't give your right ear to trade places with whoever is on the receiving end of your compliments.

So in conclusion, I do not say "I envy you!" as a statement of sycophantic, self-sufficing attention seeking...I say it so that you actually know how I feel about whatever it is you happen to be doing (or just happen to be).

Later, puppets,
Diana

Melons!

2008-08-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

I've started a 3 day watermelon fast, puppets! Nothing but watermelon for the next three days. I'm excited, and I'll let you know how it goes!

Gahhh, I'm getting a little worried because every time you google my name, this last.fm page I made for myself ages ago shows up in some of the first results...which sucks because it is totally embarrassing! Hahah. I wish last.fm would let me delete the page! At least I was able t edit it into a less sad version of what it was before...

I keep hearing more rumours about the new Canon 5D that I've been saving up for...if the rumours are true, I almost have enough to get it!! I'm so thrilled, I hope it's all true! And if it's true, I'll have enough money for the camera and, with a few more month's work, a ticket to Italy this winter! Optimism is key, so more the more positive thoughts the better.

I've been rolling around a lot of relationship/male species thoughts recently as well...very confusing, and, unfortunately, not as optimistic. Bummer.

Anyways, another short update. My birthday is next week...I'm trying to hide this fact from my co-workers because then they'll make me a cake. And I'll have to eat it *dies*

Baci, puppets!
Diana

Doors

2008-08-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry, m'dahlings, I've been overwhelmed the past few weeks. Mainly with work...and decisions. I'm making money, which is good, and I'm getting closer to my goals. My short-term financial goals, to be specific. Because this is not a way to live. I can't let myself get used to this lifestyle.

Now I have a little dilemma: when I get enough money, do I get the camera that I've been halting my artistic production in anticipation for? Or do I buy a ticket for a several-months stay in my heartland? At the rate I'm making money, I cannot have both. Which dream do I choose?

I'll have to figure that out, and soon.

Another thing that has been bothering me with my equipment; my lighting. I am very grateful to have the lighting that I have, but the truth is that the brand I use isn't that versatile. I didn't get to choose the brand. If I could choose a brand, I would go with Profoto hands down. But ProFoto is super-expensive! So I guess I need to make more money somehow? Yes yes, Diana, you do.

Anyways, I have a lot of things to sort out. I can barely think straight at the moment. See you soon, hopefully.

Hugs and raspberries for my puppets!
Diana

How about a magic trick?

2008-08-10T20:55:00.001-07:00

Last night, while on one of my bi-monthly trips to civilization, I finally got to see The Dark Knight. Get ready to hear the same thing everyone else is saying: it was amazing. Not only did it match the hype it received, it surpassed it. The Dark Knight is a whole new breed of superhero movie. Moving, delicious, and thrilling, it was worth the $7 I paid to see it on the big screen. And I would see it again if only convenience were on my side.

Now for another re-visited fact: Heath Ledger did an astronomically incredible job as the Joker. I really don't know what else to say...he completely transformed into the super-villain of my dreams. Skill like that must be revered. Heath, Rest in peace.

See it if you haven't. And I'm buying it as soon as it's out on DVD.

More later, puppets!
Diana

Switch me on...

2008-08-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting for a while...I've been super behind on a lot of things. I mean, I have stuff to write about, but I just haven't had the time and patience to do so. Anyways, this is going to be a casual entry.

First off, I have Internet. And by that I mean I have a wireless router at home, so no more Internet cafe for me!!! This means I'm finally able to catch up on shows a well as (trying my best at) talking to people more efficiently. Speaking of shows...I was finally able to watch that last 2 episodes of House. Goodness...it was incredible. And sad. And now I can't wait for the DVDs to come out in a couple weeks! And am now caught up on the 4th season of the almighty Battlestar Galactica, so that's a major "hellzyeah!" all around. Not enough positive adjectives can be said about that show.

I really want to see The Dark Knight. Too bad there's no movie theatre in town! I haven't seen Batman Begins, so maybe I should start with that.

On a completely random note:

Ouch, Alison, your legs are amazing. I want them! I actually want any pair of legs that are lick-worthy, but because Alison is shorter than a supermodel they make me curse my genetics more. You could say my legs are my least favorite feature of mine...they cause me the most grief. Ahahah. But yes, I've been listening to Goldfrapp's Supernature on repeat for the past day or two...so glamtastic!

Oh, and I finally got around to some new pictures:

The bones are elk bones, by the way. My amazing landlord found them for me! I'm going to re-shoot this once I get my new camera...that is, if it even exists!

I'm in an intense travelling mood. I want to go back to Italy (my heart beats for the homeland daily), to Paris, to England, to visit Zeynep again, to DC, Philadelphia, NYC...I never need a reason to travel. I feel so out of place wherever I call home, but when I travel...God, I don't many many passions, but travelling is indescribably top for me. I wish I had the opportunity to do it more often. Every time I leave Rome, it continues to posses my desires, and when I return to those cobblestoned streets...it's like I never left.

An on that note...vado!

Baci,
Diana

Dialogue

2008-07-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Grocery stores are perhaps the unsung definition of predictable conventionality; the rows of bread stacked neatly in front of the bakery section, the floors waxed on a nightly basis, the effervescent staff, etc. That is, except the one I work at. Ignoring the black market in our basement and all the after-hours orgies, we experience power outages often, we make prank calls from our payphone, and our staff is more likely be abrasive to those who deserve it. Speaking of staff, we tend to have a bit of wiggle room, especially when it comes to our humour. I blame this on our close quarters, and this being a small town we're as local as you can get. Familiarity brings out the casual side in us. Take, for instance, this one dialogue with my boss. He was helping me bag this one woman's beer and decided to strike up a friendly banter between himself and me.

"Are you a beer drinker?" he asks, fully aware of the fact that I won't be able to legally drink for almost 3 more years. I play along with the most smug, glib tone I could muster.

"Yeah, big time."
"Bud Light?"
"Anything really. As long as it's beer."

Neglecting the fact that I've never had, and don't intend to have, a sip of beer in my life, I was enjoying the act. The woman laughed, left, and we carried on. Fast forward 10 minutes to when I was closing my till for the night. My boss was fetching me some change with which to restock my drawer, and somehow that led him back to the previous joke.

"All that beer drinking is going to get you into trouble."
"Yeah, I know. From experience."

I thought that was suggestive enough, but the fact of my being a juvenile was still afresh in his mind so he took my response in a mild context.

"And not just by mommy and daddy," he said with a knowing look in his eyes. Now was my chance to land the nuke.
"I know...from experience."

Boom.

Cat-calls and owwwwwwwwoooooohs ensued, as I expected. I can't help it, I love entertaining others.

A co-worker turned around and smiled, "Whoaaaa, Diana, you've been holding out on us!!"

My boss, who relishes in this kind of reference, added enthusiastically, "Ooooow, and how far did that baseball game go exactly?"

I was spinning up the gears for a swift, virginity redeeming reply but was cut off by business talk. What could I say? The baseball game, to be honest, has never even begun for me. And I doubt it will for a while. I'm not really ashamed of this fact, and I'm actually very open when it comes to the topic of sexuality. The thing is, people don't believe me when I tell them I've never had a boyfriend, let alone been kissed. Take, for example, this dialogue with my boss as I was closing my till one evening:

"Why are you smiling, Diana?"
"Ah, no reason."
"....what's his name?"
"What?!? There's no one!"
"C'mon, who is he?"
"There is no one, and there never has been--"
"What? That's not true."
"But it is. Guys just...don't like me."
"Nahh, they're just afraid of you. You have all the right parts."
"Well, they should be afraid..."

That has to be the third time someone tells me guys are just afraid of me. I can see why guys would be afraid (or perhaps just apprehensive), but I think one of my good Russian friends at work pinned a more accurate explanation for my fate:

"You seriously never had a boyfriend? Oh my god, guys are stupid!"

To be fair, all the guys I've had contact with thus far aren't my type anyways. Most of my guy interaction happened in high school, and those boys' tastes in girls were so stereotypical that I could hardly believe such common ideals could possibly exist in real life. You know, they were into the typical California girl archetype...blond (or at least valley enough to make up for it), vacant (faking stupidity was also good enough for them), leggy, bouncy, etc. And I was the girl with bushy hair who broke out into Billy Joel songs at random, spontaneously wore shamefully uncoordinated outfits, and embarrassed herself more often than she took two breaths. Even if they did like me they just weren't my type and I probably would have turned them down had they vied for my affections. Unfortunately, if I had a relationship with a guy who was of my taste he would be in jail for statutory rape. Seriously, maturity all the way. And perverts, stay away.

Okay, enough with that tangent. Onward with more dialogue!

One more worth mentioning...here's the scenario: this guy walks in shirtless, despite the sign on the door that says "No shoes, no shirt, no service." It would have been forgivable had his physique been at all pleasing to the eye, but it wasn't. In fact, if I had things my way I would have a shirt stitched permanently onto his flesh -- hmmm, that's a good idea actually. When I become supreme ruler of Earth I may have to make that a policy...anyways: enter Gross, Part I. Then he pays me with wet money. I get wet bills often, really, because rafting is part of the tourist activity here and people's wallets get soaked with river water. Regardless, it's still disgusting because all the crap on the bill becomes saturated, and besides...how do I know that's just water and nothing more? It could be sweat secreted from unsavory anatomy, or some other horrific, unmentionable body fluid. So that was Gross, Part II. I handle the bills with my fingertips and do my best to not look at his...form. Which should have been easier considering the unattractive nature of it all, but this man had the advantage of being at least 12 inches taller than me as well as being very wide (in all directions, might I add). He was the Berlin Wall of Repulsiveness; on one side, me. On the other, the Saint Mercy full of grace in the form of shopping carts, firewood, and peaches. Still, I did my best to avoid resting my eyes on him for more than a millisecond for fear my retinas would self-destruct. I burrowed my vision in the money drawer and began to extract his change...

"I'm sorry about not having a shirt"

You should be, I thought. But no, a welcoming attitude is what the local small-town grocery store is about. Appreciative of his remorse (which still failed to cancel out the horrible crime he perpetrated on my memory), I proceeded to leaf out his change as I nonchalantly replied, "Nah, it's all right."

"Really? It looked like you made a face."

What the hell? I was not expecting that. Do you blame me? I looked up at him and quickly put my most sincere smile on. If I had made a face, I had obviously been caught. I learned that under extreme pressure, my body has more control over itself than my mind. This guy was not here to play games...so I whipped up the most sincere tone possible with a white lie to match.

"Oh, no, I've just been standing up for 7 hours."

More like 2, actually. And even so, I'm not that much of a lightweight. But lies for the benefit of others are always self serving, no? Razzle dazzle them, as the song goes. Of course, what I really wanted to say was "Yeah, I made a face. I was hoping it would result in some Medusoid chain of events where you would turn into stone and disintegrate, but I forgot to pray before bed last night so I suppose God wasn't too inclined to grant me a miracle. Satisfied?"

But I didn't. Because I'm a respectful being who just thinks what everyone else is thinking without actually saying it. I don't think that makes me a bitch. What kind of answer did he honestly expect?? Don't start something you can't finish sir, because you could have actually had a bitch checker who told you what everyone wanted to say. What now?

But yes, this entry has run long enough I believe. Hope you enjoyed the latest Cashier Chronicles! (See how I gave these occupational commentary blogs a name? That's me pretending I'm a legit columnist, which I'm not. Yet.)

Safe shopping, puppets!
Diana

P.S. I'm getting wireless in a few days, so no more Internet cafe! Therefore, more efficient posting. =)

P.P.S. Look who got a Facebook....

Dos and Don'ts for aspiring cashiers.

2008-07-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

I know, I know; every time you proceed to the supermarket checkout counter you just gaze at the checker in sheer envy of their position. The parties, the sex, the glamour...who wouldn't give their left eye to be where I am? I find myself very lucky with the knowledge that only few achieve such an honor as righteous as this. In an effort to be gracious, I have compiled a list from my throne on high of dos and don'ts for aspiring cashiers*. Read and take notes, my suckling lambs, you don't get inside information like this everyday.

DO, if there is a dress code, try to vamp it up as much as possible. A reputation as a stiff-collared prude is not beneficial if you intend to make progress in the grocery industry. Sex appeal is half of what it takes to get noticed more by your boss; swift scan-and-bag skills and putting out on a regular basis are the rest. But be tasteful...you don't want the customers to think you'll sell them more than just bread and paper towels.

DON'T dress radically if there is no stringent dress code. Wearing modest attire will help bring the number of passes from ogling, skeevy men down to a minimum, and will preserve your precious reputation as a virginal**, responsible employee with your boss and peers. NOTE: perverts will never be completely eradicated from the shopping system (they need to get their lube somewhere, after all), and they are still within their rights as a customer to shout out "Keep the change, baby!" and then scuttle back into the crevice from whence they came like the cockroaches they are.

DO fake a smile and laugh at the sad, pathetic observations customers make about the facility ("Oh, I'm supposed to go on this side of the counter!!"). DON'T make them feel stupid by telling them you hear the same trite phrases multiple times on an hourly basis, even if their IQ is obviously of lower numerical value than the pennies in the change bowl on the counter.

DO mix flattery with playful banter...example: "Why didn't you check my ID?" "You have honest eyes..." NOTE: choose your conversation victim wisely. Those with little sense of humor will not be appeased. But if you can swing it, bring it.

DON'T persist with sarcastic insults. Not only does it get old quickly, but you you hold up the line and risk a humiliating reprimand. Which is like acute cell death when it comes to the number of hours you get next week, and therefore your paycheck. Example "Hahah, you're the reason behind the 'No Shirt, No Service' sign on the door!"

DO handle money gingerly and accurately. Announce totals and change values audibly so the customer feels secure in their exchange. Be sure to count the cash being given to you for counterfeits, love notes, and inaccurate totals (if a customer plays you with their payment, the boss will say it's your fault). Take your time counting change so you don't give out the wrong amount. Work on perfecting the art of placing the change into the customer's hand, bills first, then coins.

DON'T toss the change onto the counter in front of your customer. Don't press the money forcefully into their hand, drop coins all over the place, and most definitely do NOT make contact with their skin as much as possible; remember, you're trying to give them their change, not a boner, so enough with the caressing of the bills in their palm.

DO greet every customer with a cheery "Hello! How are you doing today?" This will make them feel as though you take a special interest in them in particular, despite the fact that you probably don't. Let them ride the wave of feeling special right up to the shores of, "That's nice. Your total is $12.88."

DON'T go on talking about yourself for two minutes non-stop when asked by the the customer how you are doing. Give him a little credit: he gives just as much a damn about your happenings as you do his. Shut up and start bagging.

DO let your boss know which shifts you prefer. Make it clear that you can work whatever shifts he wants you to, but if he knows what you like he'll be more inclined to give you it. Also, all sexual favors between you and him are on your own time.

DON'T fall under the assumption that you can't ask for help. Better to ask boss for help than to mess up with the customer. However, don't be too bossy and assertive...You're a submissive little virgin, remember?

DO dance and be silly during the slow times with no customers. You need that break in order to stay sane after standing up for 7 hours, repeating the same things, and dealing with all those people. Save jumping on the counter and dancing for special occasions, and make sure to clean up after. Customers will not appreciate mysterious dirt in their fruit salads.

DON'T let your boss see your folly. Unless he is really cool with it and decides to join you in a fit of ergot-induced mania. And do NOT let your customers see you fooling around, otherwise they'll get the impression that you aren't devoted to serving them every waking moment of your day.

DO flirt mildly with worthy customers. Be cautious in doing this...less talking, more upward glances, hair flickings, tiny smiles, and suave credit card transactions. Do not exceed fluttering the eyelashes. This is a grocery store, not porn. If he likes you, he knows where to find you. Restrain all seckshual phantasies to your thoughts; no one wants you clean up after a lust-induced loss of composure with your customer.

DON'T make it a point to try and sexually manipulate every man who walks through your checkout counter. Though it may be fun at first, you'll eventually get exactly what you were looking for; dirty old men who come in three times a day just to drool at you over your change bowl. There is no repellent for these parasites, so remember that you must reap what you sow.

DO have multiple responses prepared and on the ready for quick and painless conversation. Just add enthusiasm and a cheeseball smile and you're good to go! Examples: "Hahah, don't worry about _______, you're not the first and you won't be the last!", "Yeah, we have no sales tax, but we have a ton of income tax!"

DON'T make the mistake of saying the same things over and over to each customer. They'll eventually catch onto the fact that they are not seen as special in your eyes and will simply become indifferent to your remarks. Eventually they will avoid your counter altogether, which results in a demotion or termination of your job.

DO remember that all of the customers' children are beautiful, adorable, and and simply darling, even if in reality they are filthy little brats who cry for soda and candy.

DON'T think that the male companion of any woman is handsome or desirable. This will only cause rage and envy on her part, and she will most definitely storm off in a huff and forget her box of tampons on the counter.

DO resist the urge to physically maim annoying and rude customers. The customer is always right, and you will always be fired, no matter how worth it it was to tear open their chest and punch them in the heart.

DON'T let yourself get walked all over. recall those days in sex-ed and in the school cafeteria? Your mentors always taught you to say NO. So say, "No, I really don't think that ice cream is on sale for 3 for $7.00." People will try to play you. Don't be a dummy.

DO make a point to look good. This echoes the "dress well" suggestion, but if you have a shabby visage you will look like you threw on your best outfit with no time to clean last night's wild sex off your face.

DON'T stare at customers incessantly. Unless their looks truly do result in a retinal orgy, but be sure to catch yourself before the drool escapes your lips. Do NOT stare at less-than-appealing customers; they are either blind to the fact that they do not know how to draw their eyebrows on properly, or are fully aware of this fault and are crying inside.

DO occasionally make friendly comments about the customers' purchases. Examples: "Oooh, marshmallows and chocolate, I wonder what's for dessert!!", "Nice choice with these avocados, I swear I can never find them ripe!"

DON'T make comments on sensitive goods that will only make you sound like a total dickhead. Examples: "Is this pregnancy test for you? Good luck!", "Rawr, condoms and whipped cream, look who's having fun tonight!"

*These suggestions apply to dealing with strangers, not people you are familiar with. You'll also notice all this information is directed toward the female humanoid creature. This is because rarely will you see a man as a cashier. Boss knows that women employees will attract more customers, and he probably enjoys our company just as much as every other man who shops there.

**For those wondering, my virginity happens to be pristine and in tact, so my reputation is rather deserved (even if I can be a little saucy on occasion).

Now fly, my chickies, and prosper in the world of retail!
Diana

Just a little anecdote...

2008-07-22T10:24:00.001-07:00

It's not all bad in the grocery business. In fact, this job really puts things in perspective: everyday my customers remind me why I'm glad to be single, why I don't want kids, and to thank God that I'm not fat.

Okay, that's a bit cruel. But what can I say? I can't sypathize, let alone relate, to people who don't bother to take care of their relationships, their children, or themselves. The frustration at the supermarket isn't all the staff's fault. And especially since I've been inhaling books on nutrition for the past two months, I think I can say that food really is a judge of character. So if you ever find a dollar bill that has "STOP CHILDHOOD OBESITY...EAT HEALTHY!" written on it, that's my doing. I don't think it's out of line. Most people have no idea what they're eating, but I'll save that for another blog entry.

I'm the one who has to stand for 7 hours a day putting up with exploding bags of Lemon Drops, juicy packs of meat secreting fluid on my hands, and listening to the same goddamn music on the radio. Seriously, there are only so many times you can listen to the song "Thnks fr th Mmrs" without wanting to scream, "Hello, 'Dance, Dance' is obviously Fall Out Boy's best single!!" (oops, that's not how that sentence was supposed to end...but I'm just saying that some of the music is so repet...oh, fuck it)

Anyways....

If you check my Flickr, you'll have seen I have new shots up...I learned a few things from those pictures:

1) Don't set lens flares at the highest power otherwise you get extremely harsh highlights
2) I'm thinner than I thought I was (yay!)
3) Never do an impulse photo shoot right before you're supposed to go to work, otherwise you look like a manic lion with lip gloss, and you're ten minutes late.

But yes, a few more paychecks and hopefully I'll have enough for my new camera!!

This is a weird entry, so I'll end it here.

Take no offense, puppets!
Diana

Responses.

2008-07-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, puppets, days off are lovely when they do arrive. They are even more lovely when Netflix decides to send DVDs on time, but you can't have everything. Reclining to the delightfully summery tunes of Ella Fitzgerald with a nice refreshing glass of calorie-free water will have to suffice till next weekend.

So today I was enjoying my second day off work when at 4:50 PM I get a pleasant little phone call from my boss...

"Diana?"
"Yes?"
"Do you feel like bailing me out?"
"Um...what does that mean?" (I'm not a total idiot, I knew what it meant, I just wanted to feign apprehension and groan-inducing disappointment)
"Work."
"Ah. When?"
"Tonight."
"You mean a regular shift?"
"Yeah, a 5 to 9 thing."
"Um...okay."
"You know that's in 10 minutes, right?"
"Uh...yeah (giggle)."
"Tell you what, I'm going to call one other person to see if they can do it, okay? And I'll call you back."
"Sure. Bye."

Then there was the ten minute scramble to make myself look presentable, which, following another 7 minutes (clock-saavy readers will time this to be approximately 5:08), ultimately reached its climax when my boss called back saying that I didn't have to go. Which was good, I suppose, but meant that I had wasted several grams of makeup for nothing.

If I had supermodel looks, by this time last year I would be ferried around the world shooting glamorous spreads for magazines, living the swift life, and I would still be in time to puke up the salad I had for lunch. I just keep telling myself one thing: This is the meantime. This is the meantime. Cities of awash with sparkle, splendor, and the brisk scent of freshly debauched innocence await me, I feel it!

When you're in a town that survives off of tourism, there are several tourist venues at which residents may find themselves working. Mine just happens to be a grocery store. And inevitably there are tourist questions. I wish I could write about skeezie perverts asking me about my virginity and my bra size, but I can't because that frankly hasn't happened (yet). The truth is, the most annoying questions are the most common. A lot of questions I get are mainly exclusive to the town/area in which I live, but there are a few that are probably relateable to cashiers everywhere. Here are the current top 5:

Q: "Is there a (insert name of huge conglomerated store chain here) in town?"

A: Take a look around you...there are trees, wildlife, and cabins. The closest thing we have to clothing stores are tourist T-shirt shops. Does it look to you like there's a Costco in town? And if I get asked one more time if we have a hardware store, I swear I am going to somehow buy a chainsaw and start eliminating limbs.

Q: "Are you sure that costs that much?"

A: See the barcode? See the scanner device? When I scan that barcode, the computer fishes out the price of your item so I don't have to memorize thousands of useless numbers. I don't make the prices. If the computer says that's how much it costs, then that's how much it costs and I'm sorry (but not really). So just pay for the fucking watermelon already, no need to look for one that weighs less!

Q: "Which ID do you want to see?"

A: Whichever is more convincing, really. As long as it has a picture of you, your signature, and your name so I can Google your ass later. I'm not a modelling agent, no need to get nitpicky here when is comes to cardage....what, you think you need to impress me or something?

Q: "Where's the bathroom?"

A: Just give me a moment, I'll draw you a map...so you can see how much of an inexperienced tourist you are. Bathrooms are ALWAYS in the most obvious place in the store. Not just that, it's the law to have a bathroom. So the next time I get this question I seriously will answer "No, we don't have one" just to see what happens. Then you can put 2 and 2 together and go look for it yourself. (By the way, it's immediately to your right as you enter, past the chips)

Q: "Oh, am I supposed to help?"

A: Let's explore the options here. Either you didn't develop the left side of your brain during fetal development, or I'm going to smack your wrists if you try to lend me a hand. Which is more likely? It's called logical thinking, why not take advantage of this human skill? Remember, this is what kept our ancestors from plunging themselves into tar pits and leaving their drinks unattended at all the Stone Age soirees. But there is a $15.00 fee for asking obvious questions (as well as me bagging your stuff, so either help out or fork it over).

And just to round this entry off right, here's my most annoying response of the week:

Q: "May I see your ID please?"

A: "Uh, I don't have it on me. I think it's in the car. Do you want me to go get it?"

R: "Yes, and while you're there could you slam your fingers in the car door? Thanks."

Thank you for sticking around for this...next time, you'll see list of products I just don't really...understand. Prepare yourselves!!

Farewell for now, puppets,
Diana

Discreet

2008-07-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

I have a plethora of updates, but funny thing is none of them are set in stone. So why bother at the moment?

Anyways, I've been really transforming this past month. I feel the best I've ever felt in many years. It's not like I'm rich, successful, and stunning yet, but I feel so much better about myself than when I used to have a higher standing. I really can't explain it.

Oh god, the grocery store job. SO many stories to tell!! I'm probably going to write you this massive, cynical, bitchtastic, brutal, hilarious blog soon attacking the customers I've encountered, but I figured I should give you a taste of the people who come through here:

To the guy with the chocolate fetish: Everything in this guy's basket has chocolate. Chocolate pudding, chocolate bars, chocolate pie crusts, chocolate chocolate chocolate! And no wonder your teeth are historically frakked. You couldn't find that shade of tooth in paint swatches at Home Depot, and you probably wouldn't want to anyways. But his girlfriend (sister? girlfriend and sister? I wouldn't be surprised) is...a contrast. Lovely girl indeed. So there must be something in that chocolate...or maybe in his pants. But who am I to say?

To the the older men who ask me why I don't card them for alcohol: Because you don't look under 21, or 30 for that matter. Because I know that it'll flatter you and you'll start to think I want to sleep with you (ironically, I'm more likely to be attracted to you if you're older, but pretend I didn't say that). Because if you really were under drinking age, that would mean I'm young enough to be legally aborted from my mother's womb. Enough said.

To the obese woman buying Cheetos for her infant son: I had to do a double take when I saw this one. Okay, let's just forget the fact that Cheetos and all other junk food are Satan in cheesy, crunchy form. How can you sleep at night knowing you are passing those awful eating habits to your kid?? You'd think that with all that we know about nutrition, people would make wiser choices. But no. Not 10 minutes goes by with out an overweight person with some crap food in hand. At least try! Ma'am, let me put it this way: your son is going to hate your guts when he grows up because you didn't teach him how to eat well. This isn't aesthetics (well, partially, but that's my catty side peeking through), this is health. Grow a brain, or maybe just pick up some mashed peas for your baby like any responsible mother would.

To the families who buy cartfuls of food and then expect me to do my job quickly without help: Let's look at this scenario: I'm ringing up your shit, you're standing on the other side of the counter in total silence, and the minutes are passing by. We're all really impatient and just want to go, but since I am your servant this is somehow my fault. What's wrong with this picture? Here's an idea, get a fucking bag and help me get this all out the door! Don't look at me like I'm trying to slow down your day because I couldn't care less. I know you and your blond children are too good for this and have never seen the other side of a service counter in your life, but I'd appreciate your help as much as you'd appreciate getting on the road ASAP. And then I check your ID and see you're from California...really!?! I couldn't have fucking guessed!!

Well, that's all I can recall the the moment, but prepare yourselves for future snarkyness.

Baci, puppets!
Diana

Off

2008-07-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

Puppets, I honestly...have not had the desire to go online. I'm thinking over a lot, and the past few week has been quite tumultous. But I'll find the time, eventually.

Farewell, puppets!
Diana

Just watch me...

2008-06-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

Puppets, I am very pleased to say that this new pursuit of positivity is serving me quite well. I'm feeling a bit more peaceful and it's really putting my goals in perspective...I really don't know how to describe it. Eradicating most of the negative thoughts just changed me for the better. I feel that things are improving, and I'm not going to start doubting it because I'd like to ride this wave out as far as it will take me.

The job is going well. I have yet to get my first paycheck, but I know for a fact that as soon as it comes I will have enough money saved to buy a round-trip ticket to Italy! I want to get the ticket ASAP because the price will rise substantially with the passage of time, but I'm also a little apprehensive because I'm still saving up for the new camera, which will undoubtedly cost several thousand dollars, and purchasing that ticket will definitely deplete most of my savings. My birthday is coming in August so I think I'll get a little bit of help financially, but I really want to get the camera and the ticket.

Not a minute goes by when I don't think about being abroad once more. Memories of past travels are swimming through my brain at a constant pace, and I intend to continue my life under the assumption that I will return to Europe. It has to happen. I need this...it will happen. I can't let myself down.

Sorry for the constant repetition of my tone, but this really is all I think about at this point.But no worries, I plan to have a few very fun entries up soon!

Baci, puppets,
Diana

Standstill

2008-06-22T10:22:00.001-07:00

Puppets, I am a victim of my own perfectionism. I can hardly stand to take pictures anymore because I don't like my camera, I don't have the props/clothes/settings I want, and because I'm fed up with being mediocre.

But...I'm trying to turn a new page in my life through positive thinking. Always thinking negatively has gotten me nowhere. Never fear; I'm not going to turn into sunshine and rainbows before you because there is a part of me that can not an never will make that transformation. But from now on instead of saying, "I can't," and, "It's never going to happen," I'm going to start saying, "I WILL."

Therefore I lay down these propositions:

- I will, will, WILL be going to Italy at the end of November. I'm going to make enough money for a ticket and I will stay there for several months. In that time, my portfolio will flourish as it did last summer when I was there. This is a promise to myself that will not be broken.

-I WILL save up for a new camera. Even if it means that I will not take pictures for several months, because I refuse to take pictures of a lesser quality from now on. I will not spend my money on other pointless things, and I will not rest until this vow is resolved.

-I will start controlling my eating habits. I can't give in to pressures any longer; if I want to get in shape then I need to commit. I will write up a strict set of rules for myself and I will NOT deviate.

Anyways, I'm getting kicked off the Internet at the cafe, so ignore my decrees if you wish...but they will come to fruition!

Later, puppets,
Diana

C'mon puppy, let's play dead.

2008-06-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hello puppets! How are you on this here Monday morning?

I downloaded Angelspit's Blood Death Ivory, and it's all I've been listening to for the past few days. At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but by the time I had listened to it twice I decided that it really is a great album from them....a definite step forward! My favorite tracks are "Paint Hell Red," "Devilicious," "Skinny Little Bitch," "Kill Kitty," "Lust Worthy," and "Girl Poison." So yes, I have new music to unwind to!

My new job has kept me busy for the past few days....here's a brief illustration of what goes through my head at work (click to enlarge it):

Seriously, I can't believe how many people buy junk food. Especially with all we know about exactly what they put in it, how bad it is for you, etc. Maybe I'm thinking this way because I've recently decided on eating more organic foods, but I just wish people at least tried to be healthy. But mainly it's just fun to internally draw conclusions about their lives from what they buy...it's just one way to pass the time. I fill in the duller moments by imagining that I'm eating a breakfast of yogurt and honey in Istanbul again, or walking through the Circeo National forest in Italy in the late afternoon, or re-living a multitude of pleasant memories that I hope to someday make real once more.

My mom is showing me how to sew...we're making a sundress right now. My mom has done most of the cutting of the fabric just to show me how it should be done, and then she's going to show me how to piece everything together. I am really going to have to practice! But I don't like wasting my time on things I don't plan to master, so it'll be worth it. Anything to keep my thoughts off of unnecessarily negative things...

...and I say that because while it is part of being realistic to be negative, there is a line that really shouldn't be crossed. I know I'm not exactly positive myself, but finding reason to hate everything is just a massive waste of time. You don't need to be all sunshine and rainbows, and you don't have to be optimistic and cheery all the time, but after while you realize that never being satisfied for even a little while gets you nowhere at all. Unless you enjoy always being upset.

Mini-rant over.

Anyways, I'll be on later, puppets.
Diana

Anniversary!

2008-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've officially had this blog for a year!! Goodness, this certainly brings back some nostalgia...wrote on the blog through my magnificent Italian summer (which I will read once I finish this entry), through the hellish months of autumn (albeit cryptic, I still know what happened), through relocations and photos, and so forth. I hope this summer will be exciting to write about, but times change, and every year cannot be spent like the previous one.

So yesterday I went out to civilization and did some shopping. My mom is going to teach me ow to sew, so...I bought a sewing machine (*gulp*, that was expensive). I'm just starting out with simple patters right now, until I get the hang of things. I'm eager to learn!! I hope I don't fail too badly at this, but my mom is going to help me out. Then I went to Staples to buy some foam boards to use for fills for my photography (thankies, Zee, for that tip!) and HOLY JESUS, those boards are more expensive than I remember! Remind me to hunt down whoever prices those things because I want to rip their hair out out their scalp.

I'm looking at a plethora of accessories for the lighting kit I have...barndoors, grids, booms, gels, etc. Again, super expensive to a rage-inducing degree. I have some money saved up from my job, but I really have my sights set on a replacement camera. I'm just so damn frustrated because I am really starting to resent the camera I already have...I don't feel like taking pictures of that quality anymore. Not that my Canon Rebel XT is a bad camera: it does what it's supposed to do, but multiple reputable sources have told me I need better. It's not a matter of greed, it's just the simple truth.

As far as art, I have a TON of ideas that I just can't pull off...again, very fucking frustrating. Dammit!! I need to turn things around.

Speaking of jobs, I have a new one. NO, I didn't get fired!!! What happened was that my old job was mainly preparing the store for customers, but now that the store is all set up there is nothing left for me to do. So now I have a job at the grocery store, working the register. I thought it would be awful because the cash register at the restaurant marked my downfall, but it's actually a ton easier to use and I've gotten the hang of it rather quickly. I like this job the most of all the ones I've had so far; I get to observe the human species more. It's interesting to see the things people buy...I get an idea of who they are, in a way. I still have problems with making small talk, but I think I can learn. My only lament is that I wish I had more shifts so I could get paid more.

But yes, that concludes my 99th entry on this blog. If you've followed for this long (or at all), I thank you!

Toodles, my puppets!
Diana

I hope you like it here.

2008-06-07T17:36:00.000-07:00

So...a week ago I was in San Francisco, with my lovely and talented friend Zeynep! We had a tremendously fun time. Of course, we took pictures, I was was also content with simply hanging out wither her and her boyfriend, gallavanting throughout the city, watching movies, and chattering about various subjects. I very much hope to repeat the experience (and I plan to this August!). I travelled by bus, which was an adventure on its own...heheh. The details are far too tedious to commit to writing, but perhaps on my next trip I will give you a road trip diary.

(Speaking of, I still have a road trip diary to write about my April trip to Montana...would you still care to read it?)

Anyways, my little weekend trip really put things into perspective on a few levels:

-Having contact with friends has been a nearly surreal experience that I frankly had almost forgotten. I believe the last time I met up with a friend was at the turn of the new year! Aside from that, it has been family and regular day-to-day interacting. And it made me realize how important a feeling it is, not only because Zeynep is a dear dear friend of mine, but also because just the feeling of being involved with some one's life is something I feel I have to learn again. For those days I felt like more than words in a blog, or pictures on the Internet...and it felt nice. But I was too busy trying to convince myself otherwise that I didn't see how important it was.

-Realizing exactly how disconnected I've been was another shock for me. For example, where I am in Montana honestly barely has a culture; there's no style, no diversity, and no room for impractical desires. Being re-introduced to that world was refreshing considering I'm not very in tune with practicality. And my company was understanding and she and I saw eye-to-eye on that, which gave me the cue to relax and feel free in my environment, even if only for a few days.

-Another discovery....Greyhound buses are not as inspiring as the great Billy Joel makes them seem [in his inspiring song "A New York State of Mind"]. If planes were cheaper, I definitely would have flown. But I suppose it was a good thing to learn. Every stop we made along the way made me dread the people who would come on board, and I didn't want to give up the seat next to me for some stranger to fill. Odd, isn't it...because I love flying and it is essentially the same thing. Perhaps the price of the respective modes of transit makes a difference? I think so. But yes, Greyhound is all I can afford.

-I got an idea of how drastic my change in elevation is! When I was in the Bay Area, I could sense when I was singing that I, for some reason, had more control over my breath, and therefore I felt I sang with greater ease. At first I had not realized the effect the elevation of Montana had on my lungs, but upon my return every note I sang felt like it needed to be pressed out of my chest! I believe I am several thousand feet above sea level!

-Just being with real people made me feel a little more relaxed and less insecure. I mean, Zee is certainly a person worth envying, but I didn't feel the need to focus on those problems; I just had a really good time. Everyone puts up such a front online that it's really strange to get back into the real world. And I really felt it when I got back from the trip...all my insecurities crashed into me like a wave upon my return. So I must reflect upon this fact....

But yes...that trip has injected my brain with a few more good memories that I can think upon in the future.

Other than that, any updates I have are purely psychological. The main one being that I am finally giving the past two years of stress a sense of closure. I have come to terms with the fact that anyone who uses their time and whatever intelligence they have to hurt others is not a good person to have in one's life, and I advise you all alike. I'm sick of still feeling hurt over events that occurred so long ago, and I will never again place myself in that position. I recognize the people in my life who are positive, and though they may be few I know that I am content with my company.

That is all, my puppets, and I hope to be more frequent here!
Diana

All hands.

2008-05-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been absent for a while, my dears, I have distanced myself from the internet because it can be a source of frustration. I've been in a rather irritable mood lately and interweb did not seem very beneficial.

I'm not too sure what to say right now...pretty much everything to write about lies in my future, and since I am not capable of predicting the future, I have no clue what is in store for me. Therefore, no new updates.

However, the upcoming week provides me with some excitement and adventure that you will learn about soon enough!!

Later puppets,
Diana

Social problems

2008-05-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

So, as you probably know, I have a really twisted mind. Goodness, sometimes the things I think about are wrong on multiple levels (at least in the eyes of modern society). But enough of that!

My future is a bit foggy again...I'm not sure where I'm going to be after the summer is out. I would very much like to live with my family in Italy for a few months, but I try not to bring up the desire too often in conversations with my mom because I don't want to sound pushy and imposing. I may end up staying in Montana for a bit longer, too.

My mom and I had a nice conversation yesterday addressing my social problems. Not like there is a serious mental issue I need to diagnose, but I definitely have problems interacting with people in person. I don't know if therapy would help, because, as has happened with past therapists, I would probably not divulge much out of fear of being judged too harshly (remember what I said previously about my twisted mind?). So...this is something I must overcome.

I've been craving food like crazy for the past few weeks...I really must learn to control myself better. I have been going to the gym, but sometimes I just wish that exercise wasn't so...boring. That's why I wish I had my own equipment; I could just put an elliptical in front of the TV, pop in a Battlestar Galactica DVD, and just focus on the toaster-secks instead of my sore legs and burning lungs. So after I write this entry I'm going to bike for 7 miles or something like that...

Anyways, my job is a total bore. Bore, bore, bore. Gahhh! What else can I say? I work in a t-shirt store for 5 hours non-stop.

The good news is I've been churning out some poems. I really keep tossing around the idea of getting a little poetry-photo anthology bound in the future...would anyone buy a copy and help a struggling artist out?

Enough begging, my BSG just came from Netflix, and my bike isn't going to ride itself.

Later puppets!
Diana

Food industry

2008-05-10T14:50:00.001-07:00

Little to report, puppets.

Aside from some very exciting travel plans in the future, life is pretty boring at the moment. I started my other job, and it is frighteningly dull to a near coma-inducing degree. But it pays more than the hostessing position I got fired from...not that I took nothing from that job. It was a very insightful experience. I got to observe the customers and their habits, and have gained a serious appreciation for the restaurant system. In the words of Daniel Tosh, "Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their life...so they realize their ranch dressing isn't that fucking important." So with that said, here are a few things I learned:

-People who make a huge mess...how fucking old are you? And then you cover the splatter with napkins like you're either trying to hide it or because you think it will somehow minimize my disgust. Because really, that little pile of napkins is a fucking fortress and I think of you in a greater light for doing me that favor. Next time, try not to put yourself in that position. I bet you don't even make that kind of mess with your food at home. Sure, you're paying customers, but that doesn't mean you rent the table for an hour and can do whatever you want with it. I mean, don't you even have some self respect?

-Parents: please control your brats. At such a tender young age, teaching them manners is crucial. No, I do not think it's cute that they can blow bubbles out of their spaghetti. I do not think it's cute that they can gurgle their milk and sing at the same time. If you think their antics are so cute, I'll give you the rag so you can clean up their mess yourself. So I offer you this one warning: restrain your kids...or I will restrain them for you.

-Cranky old couples who sit down and carry a silent frown on your face all through dinner: cheer up. Seriously, you're eating out. You're on vacation. Stop looking like eveything is so unsatisfactory to you. And when you give me that blank, puckered stare when I pour you some water, please understand that I am simply trying to do my job, not drown you.

-People who ask to change the details of the actual restaurant...are you kidding me? I just work here, I'm not a goddamn feng shui guru. And if you don't like the music, go home and play your own; we're a restaurant, not a fucking jukebox. The food we're feeding you gives you the perfect excuse to keep your busybody mouth shut, so just chew it and try not to piss me off. Sorry if the food is not good enough for you.

-Girls who come in with their boyfriend/husband...please don't look at me like I'm the whore of Babylon trying to steal your man from you. Yes, he's very sexy. Yes, I know you're on a date. Yes, I would let him have his way with me if he cornered me in, say, one of the restroom stalls. Yes, yes, and yes. But tonight I'll be content to simply undress him with my eyes while you prattle on about whatever shallow topic you can hypnotize him with. So do not look at me as though I am a threat...I'm only here to make him think twice about his choice of companion.

-Families who drive all the way here, get seated and are served water, read the menu, and then just leave...did you know you could read the menu before sitting down? I still have to clear away all your glasses and menus when you're finished with your little stint. Too expensive? I can sympathize, but what did you expect, McDonalds?

-And most of all, to the customers who looked at me like I was the most pitiful human to exist...sorry you never had to work an annoying job ever in your life. I'm just trying to make a little money here, so I'm sorry if I take my damn time ringing up your bill. Sorry if I'm trying to be polite and all you can do is just sit there with a stony stare on your face. What exactly is your problem with me? Is my hair too long? Am I too young? Do you think I'm a prostitute when I'm not cleaning your shit from the table? Because I don't understand why I'm the one who merits your dirty looks when all you do is sit on your ass wasting space. The reason I don't spit in your water is because the only thing I want from you is your money, and that's why I have to fake a smile and engage in your vacant conversation. So I'm fucking sorry if my service isn't good enough for you...if I had it my way, you'd be choking on your salmon, except that would only inconvenience me more because I'd be the one who'd have to make the ambulance call. So take your elitist attitude and choke on that instead, you ungrateful slime. If you want I can go home and you can serve yourself.

Grrr, that made me re-live my restaurant days. Hahah. It's not that I hated all the customers; there were some great people who came in...but still, remember to respect your local food providers. We're humans, we appreciate it!

Tis all for now, puppets!
Diana

Vacuous

2008-05-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Gahhh, I can't wait for Angelspit's new album Blood Death Ivory. They released the song "Skinny Little Bitch" as a free preview download, and now I'm just so eager for the full album release. At first I was a little bit unsure of the new track, but it got more and more addictive the more I listen to it. I want June to come sooner!!

On the train of all things Australian (Angelspit hails from Sydney), the new cycle of AusNTM has started! Well, it did a few weeks ago. My favorites so far are Alex (even if she's a bitch), Alamela, Alyce, Belinda, Demelza, and Emma. Hahah, I know it's completely contradictory to the above topic, but we all have our vices; televised modelling competitions happen to be one of mine.

One thing that surprised me is how fast June is approaching (which means this blog will soon be a year old). It feels like March for me...this is really weird. And I'm turning 17 sooner than I'd like, too...I often wish I was still 15. I try to ignore age, but growth is a fact of life I suppose. And it's a sucktacular fact of life.

Good thing I have awesome music releases (and hopefully the new Canon camera release) to look forward to. And I really need to start working again! I got a gym membership and a bike yesterday, too, so I hope to get in shape once and for all. One thing I dread about returning to school in the fall (aside from my normal problems) is getting a "student body."

But yes, more later my puppets!
Diana

Free as a bird, broke as a kettle.

2008-05-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

So...might as well just come out with this: I got fired from my hostessing job yesterday. If you want to know why, ask, I'm not in the mood to type it all (not because I'm upset, but because it could be very easily misinterpreted). But please know that I'm actually quite glad!!! No tears over here. And i still have my other job, which, incidentally, pays more. And I get to choose my hours. So...I may be able to take a weekend off to VISIT CERTAIN PEOPLE *hinthint call me*

I felt really uncomortable with my job in retrospect. I was just really awkward with the customers because I lack people skills...I've always been really reserved, and I looked and felt stupid doing all that smiling and small talk. I was worried it was going to happen for the past few days now, but to be honest I didn't expect it deep down so I was surprised. The only thing I'm really upset about this whole situation is that I wish they had fired me sooner so that I could have spent all of yesterday in town shopping instead of rushing to get back home!

There are no hard feelings, aside from wanting to burn the restaurant down, but that doesn't count because it's a joke.

Anyways, take care puppets!
Diana

Faint

2008-05-02T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm deciding which would be more pleasurable: tearing out my eyes or an extended hospital stay. I'm banking on the hospital stay, although ripping my eyes out of my head would land me at the surgeon's anyway.

I haven't been online for the past couple days, and my brain hasn't been on either. I just got a second part-time job, so that means more money but less relaxing time. I also will start working 4 nights a week at the restaurant instead of the usual 3. So things are really picking up.

And I'm just so damn tired.

Yesterday I almost fell asleep at work. This morning I felt like fainting, and my throat felt really constricted. I feel like just lounging on the couch with some Battlestar Galactica DVDs for the next few days. This is only the beginning! The months ahead will not be simple.

I don't know if I'm just physically exhausted or mentally exhausted, or both. I mean, I'm glad my jobs keep me on my feet because I tend to have a hard time staying active, but my mind is uneasy...I'm worried about college in the future, I'm freaking out about my weight, I'm battling immense amounts of confusion...it's not that I feel like I'm about to break, but this is obviously a test of my endurance and I have no intention of failing, even if the payoff may not be entirely worth it.

Ugh, I feel gross. And I'm craving pie, which I really don't need. Fuuuuuck.

Anyways, the new schedule leaves me very little time to go out of town for supplies. So I'm grounded at the moment.

I don't know what else to write.

Farewell puppets,
Diana

Murky

2008-04-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

At last, new photography!!! And here's how it was done.

A few weeks ago I my landlord bought me a small container of black water-based paint (well, I asked him to pick up a tin when he went into town). I also knew I wanted a piece of glass, but it's not exactly something you pick up at the grocery store...so again my landlord helped with that. He said I didn't have to pay him back as long as I didn't paint the house with it!!

But even after I got the glass and the paint I didn't really set the plans into motion. Then I got my laptop and saw that I really had no reason to hold off taking pictures...I guess I had been out of it so long I got used to it. Then last night I decided to at least figure out how the setup was going to work. I knew I wanted it to be in the tub, with me submerged and the glass above me acting like a tank, smeared with the paint. As I started setting things up, I figured "What the hell, I might as well shoot this tonight!"

Getting the camera elevated above was something I had to figure out, but it was the lighting that was a bit trickier. I used one brolly (umbrella light) and my reflector, and getting the reflector into place was absolute hell. Eventually this is how it stayed up:

I had to bungee-cord that sucker to the shower head to keep it up. Placing the brolly was simple after that...all I had to do was point it very slightly up so the light would be reflected off the white shower walls and also bounced from my reflector. The light was above the camera.

Then I practiced a bit with the glass in place (without water or paint). My main struggle would be activating the remote and setting it back down on the tub rim, getting my hands into the frame before the shutter released, and try not to drown. See, my original plan was to have the water pressing against the glass and me blowing bubbles to create more of an underwater effect. But my thoughts were elsewhere as a problem emerged: the reflection of the camera was painfully evident on the glass. And I don't have a polarizer filter. I had no intention of backing out tonight, so I continued my plans with the intention of working around this obstacle. I figured the paint would help mask the reflection, so I smeared some on the glass. Unfortunately, I did not realize that a little paint goes a long way and was disappointed to find that half the frame was obscured by the black paint. I knew this simply would not do, and began the wash it off.

That was when the water turned completely black. See, the black water was not originally in the plans, but when I saw it I realized that it would really round out the shot. So I pulled the stop and filled the tub. Well, almost. I soon saw that the idea to have the water completely up against the glass would be more of an inconvenience. And besides, the water all fit into the frame. I was pretty happy because it meant I was going to be able to breathe!! And the risk of killing my remote was slightly alleviated, too.

Anyways, to make a long story short, here's some more pictures of the setup:

The black paint on the glass really did a great job of hiding the camera reflection. When I washed it off the first time, it made this really awesome diluted effect that looked very oily and filthy. I loved it!

I was under the glass. I had the remote perched on the end of the tub, and I surprisingly had enough time to click, replace, and pose without losing time. I took breaks, and when I felt comfortable with what I got I cleaned up the tub (lucky it was water-soluable paint), and then took a shower (sorry pervs, no pictures of that!).

Most of the shots were very good and had stunning detail, but I hate posting series so I picked out two. This one was my favorite:

And this one was my mom's favorite:

Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

It's good to be back, puppets,
Diana

Practise!

2008-04-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hello, puppets! I tried to record a video blog for you, but that didn't work out as planned, so soon, hopefully!

Anyways, I'm off work until Thursday. Business is picking up and I'm trying not to fall behind in my hostess/bussing duties. Now I sincerely hope that we get some more staff because it is so hard to keep up!! But I got my first paycheck on Friday, so that was an experience. It's not like I'm making a fortune, though.

I haven't been able to get voice lessons because it is clear I won't have the time to take them. Which saddens me because I really want to master singing and I feel completely hopeless. When/if I return to California in September, I would like to get started...however, if I do return it will probably be to attend school. Which would leave very little time indeed. Fuckery! It is obvious that fortune has conspired against me.

Goddamn Rapidshare!! I hate it when I need to download something that comes in parts and it takes me two weeks to get them all! Especially now that I have limited internet time. Anyone have an account they want to share with me? I promise I won't change the password, I just need to download CDs and videos, it's totally innocent.

Grrr, I hate begging.

But yes, not much else to update on. I spend so long in this cafe when I get on that the owners probably think I'm horribly addicted. I pray my landlord caves and decides to buy a router.

Keep it together, puppets,
Diana

Conjugate

2008-04-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

Puppets! Save me from my American nightmares!!

So I watched the latest ANTM episode...y'know, when they're in Rome. And as predicted, nostalgia took over. Everywhere they were, I've been, and I probably know how to get there too. In my head I was screaming, "That's the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier!!! And those steps you just drove by, that's where my parents got married!! And if you just keep walking a bit further down that street, you can go to Feltrinelli's to buy books!!" Oh, and my ears bled as they completely butchered the pronunciation of everything. I'm not saying they're bad people and I hate them...I mean, I understand why they would have problems with the language.

But still, I can't help but feel the way I do. One of the things I love most about being in Italy is being able to blend in without seeming American. I feel comfortable there. And I feel that if I don't go back soon, I won't be able to go back for a long time. My visits there were pretty much a given due to my schedule, but now things have changed so much and I fear time may be running out. School (and the worries that follow) are not only looming on the horizon, they are completely consuming it. Along with any other opportunities I may have to actually have a life of my own. Dammit!

Sorry for the consistently bitchy entries. But not much else is going on at the moment.

Love for my puppets,
Diana

Ouch, Tyra.

2008-04-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! My laptop has arrived!! THANK YOU, DAD!!

I'm at the internet cafe right now, installing iTunes, Photoshop plugins, and catching up on ANTM. Which brings me to a tirade brought about by last week's episode (so don't keep reading if you don't want a bit of a spoiler).

Okay, this isn't exactly about the happenings of the girls or who got eliminated. It's about the overseas destination. Tyra really knows how not only to burn the show's contestants, but how to burn the audience members too because guess where the ANTM girls are going? Rome.

In case you don't know this, Rome happens to be in Italy. Italy just happens to be my second home. And (not to be cyclical) most of my family happens to be in Rome. And if you read my blog regularly, you'll know that I really, really miss being there. So yeah, it hurts to know that I'm stuck in the US while the models are traversing my homeland.

You honestly have no idea exactly how much I miss being in Italy, and that this yearning increases exponentially by the day. The sun shines differently there. The streets aren't all so tiringly perpendicular to each other. The more time spent there provides more to see. I haven't spent nearly as much time there as I feel I should. Sometimes I find my mind wandering back to those days, weeks, months spent there throughout my life, but the memories never last lucidly enough.

Dammit, Tyra...why must you torture me so??? I'm probably going to cry when I watch the upcoming episodes.

However, I've been realizing exactly how lucky I've been. In the short life I've had so far I've had the privilage of visiting several countries on multiple occasions when there are many people my age who haven't even been on a plane. I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying that I am extremely grateful for the travel opportunities I've had. I meet people 5 times my age who say, "Oh, I want to go there before I die!" and I'm grateful that I will never be in that position. So even though I am not in Europe right now, I am thankful for the memories I have.

Missing Italy,
Diana

Missing

2008-04-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, darlings. I feel so sloppy and confused.

I have no doubt that you have all felt the sensation of wanting to just cry for hours and not being able to. The smallest things make me feel so inadequate and depressed...not being able to go to a concert, missing the Renaissance Faire, paranoia about my weight, not being able to take new pictures, the persistent envy that clouds my thoughts, being horrifically broke, feeling stuck, disappointing people, disappointing myself...it all just adds up and I don't know how to force it all out. Although tears could never solve my problems. I think I just want a sign of hope.

And of course, words are useless. Why bother even writing this down if I can't do my heart justice? Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!!

There's no point in continuing this entry, so I bid you a good day.

Diana

Overcharge

2008-04-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

Good God! Apparently my laptop is almost ready to be replaced! They managed to save my files and put it into another body. All that needs to be done is to reinstall CS3 and then ship it over to me in Montana...so maybe I'll be back with pictures sooner than I hoped!!

It snowed again yesterday! I was giddy with delight, but simultaneously disheartened because there was nothing that creative I could do with it; I have no awesome outfits fit for a snowy setting! So what I did was shoot some landscape shots so that when I finally get an awesome outfit I can make a composite.

I've also been gathering materials for some new pictures...turns out my landlord has a hoard of crazy antiques he has no use for!! I want to take a look at them but I feel that if I ask I will sound too greedy and imposing. Oh well, someday! My main frustration is that I always have an idea for a picture in my head, but when I finally try it out it fails miserably. Tis the nature of self-portraiture I suppose.

I've been in a poetic mood recently. I've slowly been piecing together another poem; however, it usually takes me weeks to complete just one, so I have nothing to show for it yet. Perhaps it's because I've been feeling quite...unsure. Something happened a few days ago (well, someone told me something) that really upset me. I wish I didn't have to take it to heart, but it's been nagging me for the past few days. My mom has been really helpful, but I just have no idea about my future at this point. All I know is that I want the impossible...or at least, what's impossible for me to attain.

I have to go back to work tomorrow (I forgot to mention on this blog that I got a job hostessing at a restaurant). I'm still incredibly nervous, but I think I have improved. I just need to learn how to do voids at the register and what to do in certain situations. It isn't a terrible job, even if I am being paid minimum wage. I'm glad the tourist season hasn't fully begun yet so I can practice on the few customers we have. I'm not one of those people who enjoys work only because of the end result (for example, when a customer walks in I think, "Awww, fuck!!" instead of, "Ooooh, more tips tonight!"), but the prospect of more money coming in soon makes me at least a trill bit hopeful. So far I work 3 days a week from about 4:30 to 10:30 PM, but when the tourist season begins I will probably work even more days and for perhaps an extra hour later into the night!! So I'd better get paid a ton. I just hope I'm not so awkward by that point! But I might get a second job during the day to bring more money in.

See, I'm trying to save up for a Canon 5D. However, I don't want to save up too quickly and buy it because rumours are rampant saying that the 5D is to be upgraded within the year. I hope so! But it's been frustrating because I would loooove to buy some new clothes and instead I'm in a phase of monetary celibacy that will probably have to last into autumn. Oh, and even though the price of the 5D is going to drop if there is indeed a new release, I'd rather get the better quality, more expensive model. Even if the files are going to clog my computer. I want a damn good camera that will last me a long time, and there are a few shortcomings to the 5D so I hope they'll replace it and I hope I can afford it!!! I went to the bank today to open a checking account so that I can just shove my money in there and not spend it in two seconds.

Hahah, fun fact about me: I register all my cash at http://www.wheresgeorge.com/. I also have the tendency of having too many $1 bills on me, so today when I made a deposit I had over $60 in ones!!! And about 40 of them were registered at Where's George. But because I had written on the bills, the bank tellers told me they had to send them out for mutilation, which fucking blows. Grrr!! I wanted to wring their necks!

Anyways, this has been a rather long personal update, yes? Therefore, I shall bid thee good morrow. Also, I don't have Internet on weekends, early in the morning, and after 6 PM, and I also can't go on AIM anymore. So if you have my number, call. If you have my address, write. I don't want to be out of touch!!

Fare thee well, puppets!
Diana

The weight of it all.

2008-04-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

Hello once more dearies! Yes, it has been a while, hasn't it? Well, I am not yet certain as to how often I will be online, so I figured I would not waste the time I have now on pointless drivel. So I decided to write another one of my entries giving you my personal input on social matters today (in the style of my religion, feminism, and ephebophilia/teleiophilia blogs).

Before I start, let me say that I'm not a doctor, I'm a girl with an opinion. So don't take everything I say to heart.

And without further delay...my opinions on body image!!

Typically when you turn on the news, you find updates on the war in Iraq, sports news, which celebrity has just entered rehab for the third time, the latest happenings on Wall Street, etc. But no doubt have you seen the occasional special in a health segment about nutrition, obesity rates, and the unrealistic pressures to be thin. They always bring in the doctors, show the newest results of studies, and tell us what we already know: that being overweight is bad, and that we all need to get off our asses and exercise.

And then there are the magazines...with those skinny models on one page, and then an article on "loving your body" on the other. Hmmm, do I smell hypocrisy? Or do I see false advertising? Like it or not, the thin models are here to stay. So is the Photoshop and the endless use of smoke and mirrors.

Damn these pressures, right? Let's listen to the people who tell us it's okay to carry a few extra pounds. Big can be beautiful, too! Put away your water bottles and salads, girls, grab a steak and fries! You want a triple-layer, fudge brownie sundae? Go for it! Let's show those skinny bitches that we can enjoy our meals! Eat like you won't get fat from it, because you are beautiful, no matter what size!!

By this point you can probably sense the sarcasm here. Trust me, I don't hate overweight people. I like burgers, too. And I don't think everyone needs to look like Irina Kulikova in order to be beautiful. Yes, we now live in a society that rivals any other point in history with obesity, heart problems, and lack of good habits. Despite the countless studies proving that a bad lifestyle will be the death of many, despite the common knowledge that taking the family out to McDonald's for dinner isn't exactly wise, the overweight population continues to climb.

This isn't about aesthetics anymore. This isn't about trying to look like a supermodel. This is now, and always has been, a health issue. Even being a little bit overweight puts you at risk for diabetes, heart disease, and so many more illnesses later in life. Bad nutrition can cause degenerative diseases like osteoporosis. And yet we still load our food intake with hydrogenated fats, synthetic sugars, and imitation foods. A lot of so-called "healthy" snacks are actually calorie bombs in disguise. And while I'm aware genetics has a lot to do with being thin, control is still an option.

Anyways, the weight issues are increasing...and what does the media do about it?

They tell you that being overweight is okay, and that you shouldn't feel intimidated and inadequate next to celebrities. There are entire businesses that depend on you being fat in order to survive. Magazines compensate for their use of use of skinny models by telling you to eat full meals, and by running polls that tell you guys love girls with "a little extra pudge to grab onto." The media is feeding us bad habits!

Because honestly, who is telling us that we need to look like Kate Moss? Could someone please show me the popular articles and television specials telling us that we need to be emaciated? Yeah, fine. We see countless diet plans and exercise regimens splashed across at least 5 magazine covers at the supermarket check-out (as we pay for our Hostess cakes and ice cream). But they're not telling you to look like a supermodel, they're telling you to be healthy. And there's a reason people think that thin is ideal; it's because it helps you live longer. Because that would be terrible, right?

Oh god, shocking! How dare those evil magazines tell us to be thin!! How fucking dare they tell us the switch the fried Twinkies for an apple!! Those bastard doctors are just making all the data and statistics up! How can we deal with all this pressure? Do they want us to die of starvation? Because really, it would kill us to be within the healthy weight range. So don't you dare tell me I'm fat! I'm luscious! I'm fine just the way I am!! You say overweight? I say BULLSHIT!!

You know what's also bullshit? Saying that it's okay to be heavier than the recommended weight range. Because while I agree that it can be beautiful, it really isn't going to serve you well in the long run. And it really saddens me to see the obesity spreading to children, too. Parents are supposed to instill good eating habits into their children, not give them gummy bear hugs and heaping, fatty kisses at bedtime. If a child is overweight, chances are high they'll keep that weight, and that it will contribute to health problems later in life.

Alas, we are so afraid of offending people that we need to make unhealthy seem okay. It used to be that I had problems finding clothes my size because I was too short; now I have a hard time finding clothes in stores because everything is L-XXL. Small is the new medium. One time I bought a pair of jeans that were a size 0 when I'm actually a size 3! You know how frustrating it is going to the petite section and still not find things my size? People think short = fat! And then when you see paparazzi pictures of celebrities eating, entire tabloid articles are devoted to saying "she is anorexic because she only had half a salad for lunch!" Because people think that "healthy eating" is stuffing your face. And when we see candid shots of certain "big and beautiful" celebrities pigging out, they are commended for eating so-called healthy portions.

Speaking of, there seems to be this call for "regular" and "healthy" models. This is a humorous notion for me, because the audience seems to think that regular and healthy means overweight. Even more laugh inducing is the fact that when a magazine runs an editorial with "regular and healthy" models, all we do is criticize them! What do you want? What will be good enough to satisfy you? Honestly, I like supermodels. You know why I think supermodels make good models? Because that's their job. Would you say, "I want to see some regular people in the Olympics! It makes me feel lazy to watch all these fit and toned athletes do what they do best." We have supermodels to be supermodels; you don't have to look like one unless you plan on having that career. So I vote that they stay in the magazines and clothing campaigns...and I vote that people stop calling borderline overweight "regular and healthy." Because I am regular and healthy (albeit slightly out of shape) and I definitely do not look like what is nowadays considered average.

More importantly is what we poison ourselves with on a daily basis without a care. I go to the bakery at the supermarket and see cakes baked with 5724936 lines of ingredients that don't even need to be there. That's why I try to bake and cook things myself. People are being fooled into thinking that artificial sweeteners are better for you because they have no calories, but they aren't! It's the same as all the sweets on the shelves loaded with modified fats; it's still fake. Just because "fake" has no calories doesn't make it good for you to put in your body. Would you eat plastic food if someone told you it had no calories? Why the hell would you load your body with engineered products? Also, if you look on the "nutrition facts" panel on boxed products you see "*based on a 2000 calorie-per-day diet." The truth is, that's a lot more calories than necessary for some people. If you know how to calculate how much you really need, do so and you might be surprised by the contrast! This is one of those times where it's important to pay attention to the numbers.

For example, a healthy BMI is between 18.5 to 24.9 (if you don't know what BMI is or how to calculate it, just Google it). So if someone squeaks in at just 24.7, they think they are not at any risk because it's normal to have a little extra weight. So while it's true that this hypothetical person is within the healthy range, they really should watch their weight, not pretend that they are in perfect health.

On the other hand, there is now the "pro-ana" movement. I sympathize with these girls; I know what it's like to wake up nearly every day and hate my reflection. It sucks, it really does. I see websites full of advice on eating disorders and ponder the risks. And while I definitely don't completely agree with EDs, I can't say that I am completely shocked by their actions. People think that by shutting down pro-ana/mia websites, the ED problem is solved, which is really dumb to think. These girls don't need a reprimand, they need support (but not encouragement). I just wish the pendulum didn't swing this far; on one end, obesity...on the other, anorexia and bulimia. Can there not be a happy medium? Starving really doesn't work all that well anyways. Losing weight is about controlling your diet and exercising, not not eating.

Now I'm going to humor your curiosity and tell you my personal standing because I'm pretty open about these things (at least, as much as I'd like to divulge, as there is a lot which I am concealing on the subject): I'm 5' 3", I tend to float around 110 lbs., and my BMI is 19.3. And while I'm not perfect when it comes to eating habits (for instance, I tend to snack when I'm bored), I know what I should and should not do. One thing I know I don't want to do is gain weight. And people think I'm too thin!! I'm at a healthy weight for my height! One time someone hugged me and then said, "I can feel your ribs! I think you should eat more." Um...I'd rather feel my ribs than not be able to. Seriously, do I need fat on my ribs? Is that a paramount concern? My doctor says I'm fine, so don't bother me about it. I'm not even as thin as I could be! And my bone structure would probably never allow me to wear below a size 1 in jeans. I am never going to look like a supermodel, even if I tried.

I see this kind of mantra everywhere. Maybe my perception of fat and thin is severely distorted (admittedly, I wouldn't be surprised if it was), but I see beautiful, thin girls get called "too thin" or "scary thin." One thing I noticed, though, is that the condemnation comes from people who are...well, not thin themselves. So again, personally judgement comes into play.

I hate that I'm being pressured to feel guilty because I happen to be thin. Big girls can scream from the rooftops, "I'M OVERWEIGHT AND I'M COMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY!!!!!!!", but I can't say "I'm so glad I'm thin!" because someone somewhere might feel bad about themselves. Well guess what? I like being thin. I love it, in fact. No boy, no magazine, no anything will ever convince me to gain any more than I'm comfortable with. The whole world could tell me I'm too thin and I wouldn't change a thing about it. Sorry to offend anyone, but I'm not saying anything that is fundamentally offensive, really. In the same way many girls wouldn't be comfortable with being too thin, I wouldn't be comfortable weighing more than I do now.

In conclusion:

-There's a reason thin is ideal, and it's because it's healthy. You can prevent future health problems by managing your weight!

-While I'm fine with plus-size girls, I worry that this generation is being conditioned to think that "being a little pudgier is okay" means "being pudgier is healthy."

-Go as natural as possible with foods. Rule of thumb; if you can make your own meals, do so. And go for real food.

-Everything in moderation! I'm not saying starve yourself, I'm saying monitor your portions. Hey, I like a big hearty meal just as much as the next person, but don't get carried away. It's easier to gain calories than burn them.

-And most of all, use common sense. When you hear that being big is fine, don't immediately think you should just pig out. And when you see the supermodels in magazines, understand that (to quote Sleepy Hollow) truth is not always appearance.

Takes care, puppets. And don't kill me if you don't like what I wrote.
Diana

P.S. I'll be back on to update as soon as I can!

Computer problems.

2008-03-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

My laptop has finally died. I won´t have internet access for over a week, so if you need to talk, call me (if you know my number) or...yeah.

See you eventually, puppets
Diana

Up Short

2008-03-29T11:07:00.001-07:00

Oh puppets, I find myself in need of so much right now, but I am so broke I could cry.

I got my Polaroid camera in the mail today! It looks as though it is is working order, but I can't know for sure until I test it. But I can't afford the film. I also need to buy a neutral density filter to adapt it to 600 film, and I feel like punching myself in the throat because the filter is around $10, and I could have afforded it...had I not decided to order the stockings immediately after the camera. Dammit!

I also need new clothes. At this point, it's not because I really want clothes, but I because I really do need them; all I have are 2 badly fitting pairs of jeans, 7 or 8 shirts, and my decrepit All-Stars. But I can't afford new clothes, either. God, this fucking blows.

The good news is that I should be moving in about a week, and hopefully I'll get a job very soon after so I can pay for all this. Then I need to get a checking account so I can actually pay for things like a normal human being.

Sigh...anxieties are piling up. But I'm not too scared, I'm just really fucking impatient.

In other news, I wish I could produce my art on a more frequent basis, but I can't right now. This is so frustrating because I'm so close to this move, and yet I'm still stuck for 7 more days watching everyone's lives accelerating as mine remains still. I feel like I'm fading.

Anyways puppets, that's a quick update for you. Perhaps this fog will lift. Until then, I must find ways to distract myself. Maybe I'll go look at all the lovely clothes at Lip Service that I can't afford.

Good day to you, puppets,
Diana

Counting

2008-03-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Puppets, the days waiting for this move are an agonizing bore. We're thinking of leaving in around a week, but it feels like I'm waiting for another month to go by. I just want to see the road changing from desert to wooded. I want to see the horizon changing from barren to mountainous. I want to feel the temperature drop the farther North we go.

I'm banking pretty much everything on this move. Money...I've spent most of my reserves because I'm expecting to get a paying job. Exercise...I'm counting on getting to Montana so I can hike often and walk more, because I barely work out here. Inspiration...I'm waiting for the change of scene to bring it to me.

I haven't touched my camera in what seems like a long time. How long has it been, a week? A week and a half? I don't know. But I just can't work here anymore. I know I seem to be expecting such a great artistic harvest from Montana, and that is because I am. I don't like being mediocre, and that's what I will be if I stay here. I'm not vain, I don't think I'm great, but I always thought that the virtue of being humble and modest was just a way to keep yourself from being disappointed by your surroundings. Not having a certain sense of pride keeps you from being ambitious, and I am very ambitious. So this move is just another step forward that can't come soon enough.

However, there are some things I will not be expecting. Rather, I need to stop thinking will happen because they've never happened before. First off, I will not expect to be greatly liked. This is one thing I've always imagined happening every time I went to a new school, and it never happened for me, so it's time to stop kidding myself with fantasies of being accepted. Secondly, I will not expect this to be my whole future. This move is simply expanding my horizons a bit, but I do not expect a complete miracle. I know this sounds pessimistic of me, but I've been hurt before by these self-inflicted illusions.

Anyways. I suppose that's all for now.

Farewell, puppets!
Diana

An Odyssey of Polaroid Proportions

2008-03-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Puppets, I fear I have entered a state of shock from which I may never recover. I suppose it would be best to recount this harrowing experience from the beginning:

It started this morning when I woke up at around 7:40, lumbered over to the computer to check my messages, and logged onto deviantArt. The front page greeted me with this lovely DD ([link]), but the minor pleasant find was soon shattered when I made the horrific discovery that Polaroid would be discontinuing all instant film products.

Before I continue, I must state the obvious question: "What sick fuck would do such a thing??!?!?"

Okay, now I may resume my account.

Honestly, I never had a very good Polaroid camera, but years ago I had a small one that I could not get enough of. Certainly my family recalls the endless miniature photo albums I created of my cats growing up, etc. So to hear that this monumental technology would soon be coming to an end was quite incredible to me (and I mean that in the literal sense of the word). I honestly could not fathom such a travesty ever unfolding, and yet, the proof was undoubtedly before me. I picked up my cell phone in my daze and dialed my dad's number to alert him of this crime, but he did not pick up. I had to panic to somebody, so I found my mom gardening and loudly informed her of this unfortunate and cruel development.

I had been planning on buying a real Polaroid camera for quite some time, and now that the end of an era was approaching I figured I had to make haste. I quickly threw some clothes on, grabbed my purse and shoved it into a backpack, rifled through the garage for transport and mounted my semi-decrepit, mangy old Razor scooter. I was on a mission, and there was only one destination: Wal-Mart.

You're probably thinking Wal-Mart?? Did this girl have opium for breakfast?? And I completely understand your train of thought. However, the town in which I currently reside is a bit less...supplied. Wal-Mart is the one and only option, pretty much. But it was the first thing that came to my mind because that was where I had bought that miniature Polaroid camera so many years ago. And so I began my mission with high hopes, a stomach full of green tea (which I must add is one of the most disgusting beverages God foisted upon the human race), and stones in my shoes. The early morning air greeted me with a slight breeze and a hint of fear.

As I crossed the sandy, scraggly desert path where the coyotes roam (puppets, I am not shitting you), visions of kidnap, rape, mugging, and being hit by cars danced before my eyes like some nightmare of a mirage. Obviously the sacred spirits of Photography were testing my endurance by enchanting me with thoughts of danger, but I would have none of it. I am the girl who can easily come up with around 17 creative ways to castrate someone in public, so no such petty anxieties would prove ill to my quest. I was determined to bring glory to the Polaroid empire, even if I risked life, money, body parts, or my virginity in doing so.

At last the doors of Wal-Mart stood before me. Running on pure adrenaline, I quickly made my way to the photographic section and scanned the shelves. And what I found tore at the veins of my very soul; there was no such camera any longer. It was as though such a magnificent technology had never even existing within those walls. I eyed the staff with suspicion, for the vile stench of conspiracy was wafting in the air with such tangibility I could probably knit a sweater with it.

"Fine," I whispered under my breath. "You want to play dirty? Try me. I can beat you at your own game."

The cashier feigned the innocence of a deaf ear, but I knew my challenge was heeded. Now it was war. And war requires the proper arms to fight. They had theirs in connections, and now it was to find mine. I had two choices: beg like a dog, or look them straight in the eye while stabbing them in the heart. Everyone knows full well that when push comes to shove, shove holds the knife. I had no intention of being the pusher, and so I carried on with my mission.

Stage one of my attack involved opening doors for myself while sending a clear message to the enemy that I'm the one on top. That is why I chose the Visa Gift Card as ammunition. Sure, Wal-Mart might have robbed me of my camera, but they did not rob me of the means of finding an alternative method. They obviously knew of my inability to order online, but now I held the ace and they were caught unawares. I packed my cash into that debit card and triumphantly walked out the door, relishing the fact that there was nothing they could do to stop me.

Stage two began upon my return home. First step, rigging my PayPal account to work at maximum efficiency. Second step, considering my options: which model of Polaroid did I want? After filtering through several top-secret files and brutally interrogating world-renowned experts, I set my sights on the SX-70. But I had been warned that to obtain one would be a journey on its own. Yes, the previous events were cake compared to what was in store for me. I would have to peruse the blackest of black-markets, deal with the scourge of humanity, and perhaps trade my uterus and my soul in order to acquire my precious Polaroid. This was a world into which I had not yet delved. This was the greatest test of my willpower. Even in retrospect I tremble at the task that lay before me. But I knew that there was no going back, not after I had gotten this far.

It was time to enter the dreaded world of eBay.

Perhaps a man (or woman, I'm not discriminating) of greater stature would laugh in the face of such threat, but I had never before stepped into this forbidden market where all dark desires, sexual fantasies, and diabolical gadgets are on display and fulfilled on an hourly basis. I tried to conceal my fear, puppets, but I knew I could be gutted at any turn. I did not know the ins and outs of this dangerous realm, and I admit I still remain in the dark.

It wasn't long before I found the dreaded merchant who stood in the way of my triumph. To describe him as sinister would be an understatement; his lank hair, hooded eyes, and bony build gave away his motives from the start. His countenance reeked of dishonesty and greed, but such lullabies of quality and satisfaction rose from his rotting lips like the sweetest of siren's songs. I was completely entranced, and pretty soon I found myself drooling over a Polaroid SX-70 Alpha 1 Model 2 like a delirious patient in an asylum. And when I saw the camera, the seeds of devotion were planted within me. I knew I could not leave it behind.

"Wha-what do y-y-you want for it...Master?" I inquired as I gazed up in a child-like wonder at the villainous god before me.

He snickered and a coy smile spread across his hideous, cruel face.

"I think you know what I want," his husky voice returned. I was completely under his spell. His hand stroked my cheek with a touch as comforting as a maggot's kiss. His face leaned in close, his tongue postulating as my eyes fluttered in rapture. And just as my virtue was about to be undone, suddenly his rank breath brought me back to my senses.

"No!," I shrieked, stumbling backward. A defeated roar ripped from his throat. "There must be another way!!"

The merchant's eyes clouded with obvious anger and disappointment.

"Well...I suppose you could Buy It Now," the heinous creature said. "But do not expect such mercy if I ever see you here again!"

And with that the transaction was quickly made and I managed to escape the confines of eBay with my body intact (though my sanity lies in pieces right now).

And now I wait for my camera to arrive. Hopefully the dreaded merchant's honesty is as clear as his mercy. Unfortunately, he left me with no money to purchase film with, so while I managed to emerge victorious in the camera department I am left deserted by means of film.

Well, puppets, I am quite rattled by this experience, and I only have a small amount of money left for retail therapy. Therefore, I wish to employ your help and choose which color of these stockings is best ([link]), though it will take much more than a yummy pair of socks to stabilize my soul.

Farewell, puppets!
Diana

Water based

2008-03-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last entry, so here's an update for you!

I've been re-thinking my diet. Not that I'm a diet freak, I just would like to be healthier. So I've been eating less crap, and eating less in general. No, I'm not starving myself, I'm just decreasing my portions. I'm becoming a bit more conscious of calories and fats, too. I had beef for the first time in months at Easter dunch yesterday. Actually, I've noticed that since I came to my mom's house I've been a bit trimmer due to the severe difference in diet that I had previously. For example, at my dad's we eat tons of pasta and massive portions of grains, dairy, oil, and butter; a typical Italian diet, heheh. At my mom's, however, there are a lot of greens, barely any pasta, not as much dairy, and less emphasis on big meals. However, I've been taking calcium supplements because I'm starting to have problems with that again.

Anyways, I'm seriously considering becoming pescetarian. I'm one of those people who adores seafood, and seafood is a good source of healthy fats and phosphorus. One of my all-time favorite dishes is polipi (octopus) stewed in tomato broth. I'm also a huge fan of shellfish, as well as fish in general. And since I'm going to be near rivers and lakes in Montana, I can fish my own meals! I love fishing. But yes, though I lovelovelove beef, I've come to realize that it isn't very healthy when eaten too often. I hope I'll find a way to have access to different kinds of fish when I get to Montana (I'm mainly talking shellfish because there isn't exactly an ocean there).

The Montana move should be happening in a couple of weeks now. I'm thinking about what kind of job I want; I don't want a boring job, but I also don't want one that makes me deal with more people than I have to. That's going to be hard to figure out. It's not that I don't like people, I just don't like how people can be sometimes. However, I'm going to be in a tourist town so customer relation is inevitable. I'm thinking of either waitressing (not my dream job, but apparently you get a lot of money in tips and it'll keep me on my feet), working in a fishing shop (once I learn more about the area and equipment), and...well, I think I'll look around when I get there and see what there is to offer.

In other news, I'm considering starting video-blogging. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but I just don't want my family to find out. And I don't know if I'd upload to YouTube or not because I don't want to have my thoughts broadcast to idiots. Also, my sister has my compact camera. So I'll have to figure this out. But maybe I'll have something up when I make the move. :D

I think this entry has been sufficient, yes?

Farewell, puppets!
Diana

Cramp

2008-03-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

The past three days have been quite an emotional tumult for me! Time to recap:

Since our plan was to leave for the Seattle road trip this upcoming Sunday, last Saturday we took our van in for an oil change for good measure. That was when we found out that our car was on the brink of death; there was an oil leak in our radiator (or something like that). The mechanic said that it wouldn't last a trip out of town, and that it wouldn't be worth repairing. So immediately we started thinking of a new car. At first I'm completely thrilled at the prospect of a snazzy new car. We were thinking about maybe getting the a Toyota Highlander, something we could pack everything into and not worry too much about gas, etc.

If only it were that easy. The next day (Sunday) my mom and stepdad start talking logistics; a loan? How much could we save? Can we trade in our van? Questions like this until it finally boiled down to can we even afford a new car? This was all very fast. We only had a week to replace our van before Seattle and now the problems were piling on. Hours of talk and looming tension lead us to a disheartening conclusion that perhaps we wouldn't be able to go on the Seattle trip....and perhaps the Montana move was out of the picture, too.

Puppets, I was was devastated beyond words. I know it sounds stupid: a road trip? Montana? Is that really something to get extremely upset over? The thing is, it was more to me than that. It was change. Change is the future, the chance to break the unbearable monotony I've been living in for the past 6 months. Seattle was just the beginning, it was Montana I was most upset over. See, I was planning on completely reinventing myself. I had ideas; I was going to make money, get fit, get off my lazy ass and get started with life in a beautiful place I could explore. It certainly wasn't my dream and my final frontier, but it was a step forward, and hopefully in the right direction. I was so hopeful I didn't even have to hope...I was running on pure optimism. And suddenly, because of a stupid fucking car, all that was taken away. I was left with nothing. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day (Monday), I was despondent and listless. I felt I had nothing to live for, and that this was once again another let-down in a lifetime of events that didn't work out for me. For once, I was looking forward to the future. And now? What was I living for? And if I died, who could prove that I was ever here?

I know that sounds really emotional/over the top, but that was my state of mind. I was crying on and off all of Monday, wallowing in the bitter reality that any change for me wouldn't be a positive one.

And then, I found Jesus.

Actually, that's a total joke. Sorry! Here's what really happened:

We received a call from Montana the next day (Tuesday) with wondrous news. At last, a permanent place to stay!! We had found an apartment! I was elated, yet confused as to how we would get there. Mom said, "We'll get there." So hopefully, we will be in Montana in the next 2-3 weeks!!

We're looking into the car problem, too. Apparently the mechanic got it wrong or something and we just need to get some things replaced/flushed/whatever (I still have no fucking idea what's wrong with the car and exactly how it's getting fixed). However, the Seattle trip will NOT be happening because the cost of renting a car for the trip is about the same as the cost of repairing our van. So yeah, I guess I'm pissed about that, but at least Montana is still happening.

But yes, most of my hopes have been restored. Which is good, because I was seriously starting to consider moving to Nevada and joining a brothel. Apparently prostitution is legal there.

[for those lacking in the sense-of-humor department, that too was a joke]

Anyways, till next time, my puppets!!
Diana

Winds

2008-03-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hello, puppets. I'm slowly coming back online. So...yeah. I won't be taking any new pictures until I get to Seattle so I'll only be active through comments, messages, etc.

I think the hardest part of Brusie's death are the little thoughts my brain jumps to, especially when it seems as though she's still here. For instance, today is very windy and I though to myself, "Oh wow, it's quite windy outside, if Brusie were out there now she would probably fall over...." and then I remember that she is no longer here. So I have to condition my brain to realize that Brusie is not alive anymore. She's been around before I was born, and even that is mind-boggling to me.

I've been busy distracting myself with movies, singing, etc. I've made some progress with my singing voice (finally nailed diaphragm breathing!), and as far as movies go I've finished watching Lolita (you're damn right if you think I have an opinion about it, I'll cover that in a later blog) and now I am watching Casanova, which will be followed by Dangerous Liaisons. All very sexually charged movies, I know. But I'm not a prude, so I enjoy it. I'd rather be open about my opinions on sex than freak out over every suggestive thing that happens.

Oh, and America's Next Top Model...(bear with me, I know this is a guilty pleasure of mine not everyone shares). My favorites are Katarzyna (love her), Anya, Lauren, and Aimee. Claire is nice, but I think they butchered her with that makeover. Amis! I love her personality! I just wish she could have gone farther, she was a favorite of mine. At least she wasn't a bich. And speaking of bitches: Fatima...grrr. I know I'm supposed to like her because of her terrifying past, but it would be easier to do so if she didn't have such an awful personality. Being smart doesn't mean you have to be a bitch. I mean, she's condescending, arrogant, and doesn't seem to like people who follow their own path. Not to mention she has absolutely no sense of humor or personality. All I've heard her do is complain, complain, complain. PLEASE axe her. I love you Katarzyna (and Anya and Lauren and Aimee)!!

Moving on....

I've also been working on a poem for the past several weeks that I hope to finish soon. It's coming along nicely, but as soon as it is done (as it is quite long) I will have to edit it and smooth it over, which in itself will take a little while longer. I'd tell you what the poem is about, but that will have wait until I write that blog on Lolita as the subject matter and themes are connected.

The plans for the Montana move are falling into place. We have a little cottage that we will be staying at for a month, which will give us time to find more permanent lodgings. I'm so excited! I need a change of scene, and Yellowstone is one of my favorite places and climates in the world. I'm also nervous about getting a job. I've never had to handle income before, so I will learn a thing or two. Hahah, I'm already planning on what I'm going to get with the money:

-Canon 5D (god willing...it will take ages to save up for that)
-AlienBees Ringflash with portable power source (this thing is awesome, if I can't get the 5D I'll at least get this)
-A new corset (I'm afraid the last time I said I was getting one it didn't quite work out, so hopefully I'll be able to add another one to my small collection of corsets)
-A shitload of stockings from Sock Dreams (I already bought a small amount of tights and gloves from them, but their selection is divine and I simply must have more)

...and several other things I have yet to some up with. =)

Anyways, changes are happening and I cannot wait to see what will become of them. The Seattle trip is less that 2 weeks away, and soon after I will be Montana bound. So things may just be looking up!

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Sudden Loss

2008-03-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

There is no eloquent way to say this, so I will put it simply: Brusie, my oldest cat, was just put to sleep.

When I woke up this morning I had no idea this was going to happen. While it was true that she was old (she would have been 19 next month), she did not display any serious health problems. She was a little underweight and lazy, but I attribute that to her age. So I was quite shocked a few hours ago when she woke up, staggering, and unable to walk. Very quickly she was too weak to hold herself up. At this point, there are some things that do not need to be written; we took her to the vet who gave us a prognosis and told us our options. We decided that it would be best to put her down.

I'm still dealing with how sudden this was. A little over a year ago we put down Brusie's older sister (Ginger), who was in an awful state of health. We thought Brusie would give us a few more years. Brusie has been a constant in my life...someone who had always been there. Now with her and her sister gone, I have only a few constants left, those constants being my family. If there is one thing I have found luck in, it has been that I have yet to lose a human family member. All my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, parents, siblings, etc. are still alive. All I have ever lost are pets. Now I am beginning to realize that I have no idea how I will deal with the loss of a relative. There is no doubt that a death will eventually happen, and I dread it beyond words. I'm not sure I could survive such a loss.

Brusie wasn't a beauty queen, she was not particularly amiable, and she wasn't very graceful. Yet she knew we loved her and though her personality was a bit erratic, the last few years of her life were relaxed and many hours were spent in our arms. She loved us as much as a cat of such demeanor could, and she did love us. The fact that I could count on her presence was more than enough of a reason to give her my love.

I do not believe in any conventional god, but it is times such as these that make me hope there is a heaven of some sort. And if a better place exists, I hope her soul has found her way there.

Brusie, as shot a week ago.

Rest in peace, my love.

Diana

P.S. I will be online to check messages, but please do not expect replies for a while.

Stone

2008-03-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

So, here's the deal darlings:

I might be moving sometime in the very near future. Not the kind of shove-everything-you-own-into-a-Uhaul-and-say-goodbye-to-everything moving, but I will probably be out for quite a while. And this isn't a vacation, either. I'll be there for several months. Where will I be moving, you ask?

Montana! Hahah, I know that wasn't expected, but I'm pretty excited. I don't know if you know this, but I adore the outdoors. Nature is lovely. And the town I will be moving to is just outside the northern gate of Yellowstone! Picture opportunities! I'll probably get a job there, too.

However, I stress the phrase "might move." It's not set in stone yet. We need to find a place to stay. But if it does happen, we will probably move sometime in April.

But I can't wait for a possible change of scene. Next step, Europe! Where my heart lives...

Later, puppets
Diana

Better problems.

2008-03-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

I had a few ideas for pictures this morning, so I decided to finally figure out how to work my backdrop system. I got everything into the living room, set it up (with my stepdad's help), and now I sit staring at my backdrop. It is indeed a wondrous thing, and will no doubt serve me well.

However, this thing is fucking mammoth.

Let me tell you a little fact about myself; I cannot estimate distances/weights/heights to save my life. If you ask me how tall something is, or how far from here to there, or how heavy someone is, I absolutely cannot tell you. So when I was at the photo store getting the backdrop and they told me it was going to me 10' x 12', I thought this was going to fit in my room snugly. Well...oops. I'm lucky that my mom's living room has high ceilings because there is no way in hell that this could fit in my bedroom. My backdrop is large enough to make all the bedsheets in my house cower in fear, not to mention I'm going to have to iron that sucker every time I need to use it.

I am staring at this behemoth as I type and one thing is going through my head: I'm totally fucked.

Why? Because I won't be able to use this. I am now confronted with the uncomfortable reality that I need more space than I have. To put it simply, I need an actual studio. I cannot use my room for much longer, I just can't. I spoke with my mom about this and she says we could build a shed out back that I could use for a studio. This means, however, that I would need a job (and probably an awful, crappy, minimum wage job) so that I wouldn't be a freeloading leech. Then I would use my crappy minimum wage income to pay for some more equipment, and maybe help pay for the goddamn shed. I would also need to get a motherfucking driver's licence, and then use the goddamn money from the fucking low-wage job to pay for a shitty car and gas. So that 5 years or so from now I will finally get this whole fucking photography thing started.

And all this means is that I'm probably going to have to move from my dad's, which is going to be fucking psychotic.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I'm just really stressed right now. Things aren't exactly sunshine and rainbows, so apologies for the angst. God fucking hell!!

Anyways, let's see if I can inject some sugar into this entry.

I went thrift store raiding back in LA on Friday and I found three DIVINE dresses that I can't wait to use. I just need the right settings. One of the dresses is absolute love in it's purest form. I can't wait to use it!

I've been missing Europe more and more. There's just a sort of magic there that cannot escape me, and yet I will only feel fulfilled whence I return (hopefully soon).

Anyways, m'dears, I apologize once again. And if I seem distant, it is because I have a lot I need to think about.

Love, puppets,
Diana

P.S. I am almost desperate enough to start asking for donations. How fucking low is that?

Thought process.

2008-02-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should just end this.

I have no clue what I mean by that yet, but that phrase has been repeating itself in my mind for the past few minutes.

Yet.

Anyways, I'm going thrift store raiding on Friday, so hopefully I will have new pictures.

Dammit, don't I always say that? Every fucking entry, every fucking submission, don't I always write something along the lines of "I'll have new pictures soon" or "as soon as I get more ideas" or "as soon as _____ happens." Because at this point, it's practically a given. I'm struggling so much to do this, and I love it when it works out, but how often is that? Once or twice a month? Where am I going with this?

I don't even know what I want from all this. Recognition? Increased skill? Maybe I just want to feel wanted for any reason at all. What else have I got going for me?

The word "picture" seems so cheap to me now. Picture, photo, photography. That's not what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like what I'm doing instead is reaching out for something, trying to make something great, grasping for this thing that fills me up. I don't feel consumed by art yet. I feel like I'm going no where, and that the one place I want to be is not what I wish it was at all.

I want enchantment. I want magic. I want to lift the curtain one morning and find that there's something more than just what you'd expect. I want to find that I don't need to parade myself in front of a crowd of people in order to feel I'm worth something. I don't want to compete. I want to be in the right place at the right time, always. I want a world that could not possibly exist.

"World" is too broad a word, actually. "Life" is too general as well, because even the word "live" has a decreased meaning for me. Living is cheap. I don't want to live, I want to...permeate. I want to be the air, I want to be the trees, I want to be the silence of a forest when absolutely no one is there. I want to exist as the importance of a rainfall, the formation of the clouds, the peace of solitude. I want to be the moment when you forget what you look like because suddenly it no longer matters. I want to be the virtue, be the rage, be the definition of a million senses and emotions. I want to be the musical note that makes your insides swell with passion. I want to be the word you cannot think of no matter how hard to try to remember, I want to be the emotion without a name.

I'm sick of looking at "deep" art and finding nothing. I'm tired of listening to songs and hearing nothing but words and sentences. I'm bored with being told that I need a boy to make me feel whole, or that I need a cause to speak for, or that I need to be the best at everything in order to feel needed. I just want to wander the world without the constant reminder that I'm not the prettiest peach on the tree, that I'm not as well liked as whatshername, that I need to serve in order to be worth something to the human race. I don't want to feel in danger at every moment.I want to forget that I am human, forget that I'm a girl, forget that I can't have everything I want. I want to know be things that truly matter in life...I want to not have to be whole. I don't want to exist as a whole, or a fraction, a plus or a minus, a pro or a con, a black or a red, an asset or a liability; I just want to exist.

-----

"stubborn fool!" the mentor cried
to failure in her folly
stubborn fool, the mentor too
for preaching less than he suggests
if you can swallow, you can breathe
a useful skill to say no more
if you can breathe, then you can speak
though praise will have seen better days
i killed the girl, the girl has killed
all hope of being found
her spirit salvaged, not in tact
or would you rather the cadaver?
to give a life, to give a fuck
completely different things
protect me, so you say you will
this sacrifice shall not suffice
a clock, a path, a slice, a spill
alas, and such is life
an order thrives with zeal and yet
this did not matter to the hatter
i lost an art, but gained a task
and followed blindly through
the gaps in time i could not place
now wrack my brain with pain of shame
a waste, a loss, a useless vein
the rust within the gears
reflecting on the lives i've lead
my envy feeds the long since dead
thus giving rite of passage to the ghosts that fill my head

© 2008 Diana Pinto

Accidental?

2008-02-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

Ahahahha, Zeynep just showed me this video and I just had to share:

There is no way that was a coincidence...dirty dirty!!

But yes. Updates!

I've been working on my singing, and I'm improving quite a bit! I do wish I had the opportunity to take formal lessons, though, as I am sure that I would be able to target my vocal desires more specifically. As far as photography goes, I'm in a bit of a dry spell once again. I'm going to raid some thrift stores on Friday, though, so hopefully inspiration will bless me with its presence.

On another note, I am increasingly frustrated by pop-ups adverts. Sometimes it will be late in the evening and all is quiet when suddenly a voice erupts from my speakers, "Congratulations! You have been selected to win a free Apple iPhone!", thus scaring the living hell out of me. It takes all the self-restraint I posses to not wake my family by shrieking back at the woman who provides that annoying voice "Congratulations! You have been selected to have your uterus gouged out by yours truly! Who feels special now, bitch!?!?"

And the same goes for television commercials. Like that one Nutrisystem commercial where that leggy bimbo giggles to the screen "I love Nutrisystem because it works so good!" Seriously? Are you fucking serious? You'd think with the 5 million dollars the company paid to produce, scout, edit, film, and air the damn commercial, not one of the crew members could wave their little finger and say, "I think you mean well instead of good, you illiterate trailer scrape." Would it have been that hard? Okay, I get it, our nation's schools are on a serious decline, obesity rates are ballooning faster than you can say the phrase "Eat your veggies, you slags!", and Tila Tequila did not find true love on her television charade, but that does not justify adverts treating us as though we have the brain power of an apricot. Perhaps the director didn't think the 30 million+ people who watch TV would notice that grammatical error. Maybe he didn't want to offend the poor spokeswoman by correcting her out of fear he would have one less starving actress to stroke his dick between takes. Or maybe he was too damn tired to hold up a cue card. Fine. All understandable under the assumption that no one will buy the dehydrated sewer scraps you call "healthy eating" (because who decided that eating food that came in the mail was a delectable alternative to COOKING YOUR OWN GODDAMN MEALS?).

And don't get me started on those Viva Viagra! ads. I have a feeling that real men do not sing their praise for ED treatments in public...who knows, maybe there are basement meetings where men talk about the miracles of Viagra and cry out whatever drop of testosterone there could possibly be left inside them. Do their wives know? I hope not. Yeah, that's a total turn-on, knowing your husband is going to a jam session with Sonny Softie and the Wilting Limps. But then of course, ladies, perhaps your husbands have a hard time getting rise because they're worn out from the hot young snatch they're plowing on the side. And by young, I mean half your age, with a body obviously a few decades younger than yours. Everything happens for a reason, they say. So please, give me a fucking break.

And who could forget this commercial:

"This is Bob. Bob is doing well. Very well indeed. That's because, not long ago, with just a quick phone call and a free brochure, Bob realized he could have something better in his life. And what did he get? Why, not only a boost of confidence, a little more self esteem and a very big promotion; he got the very thing that makes a man really successful: a very happy Mrs. at home"

The defense rests. I'm a bit too worn out at this point to comment on Bob's creepy smile, reminiscent of kiddie porn purveyors everywhere. Good move not having kids, Bob. Very good move indeed. Keep the Mrs. happy at home while you diddle the neighborhood tots with your Enzyte, you sick fuck. As if no one could guess.

Apologies for the rant, but I'm a bit frustrated right now and I alleviate my mood with snarky bitching sessions.

I don't know, dear cupcakes. I simply do not know.

Later, puppets...
Diana

Function

2008-02-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

Life is a bit confusing at the moment...actually, when is it not? But that is not the point. So here are a few points that I feel must be made:

-I'm going to be spending a month and a half here at my mom's, so...yeah.

-I've been focusing a little less on my art and focusing more on my singing voice. Not to say I'm dropping photography, but I would like to nurture my vocal chords a bit more. And I'm actually getting better! Which means I must practice, practice, practice. At least an hour and a half each day. And I need to develop my vibrato.

-I'm getting another corset!! I know, you haven't even seen the one I already have and yet another is on the way. But yes, yummy yum.

Changes are a'comin'. I can feel it.

Later, puppets
Diana

When will the blood begin to race?

2008-02-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

As I have been watching The Phantom of the Opera again, I begin to question Christine's choice at the end. It is true that Raoul was gentlemanly, loving, caring, rational, and kind. On any other occasion, Raoul would be the anachronistic man I would yearn for. But I still find myself attracted to the Phantom...despite the fact that he was deeply flawed, he had more passion than Raoul, was artistically inclined, and understood the power of art. Obsessive and murderous, true, but I do not think that he was evil. When you look at it simply, the Phantom was painfully lonely, comforted by the voice of a girl and nurtured by music in a world of cruelty. While I am not solidly certain as to what I would have done in those circumstances, I still find that Phantom desirable.

Ahhh...I was out in the snow for the past few days. It has been too long, not to mention I rarely get the chance to see snow. I live with my father, who abhors cold weather to a vehement level. My only chance is when I am with my mom.

The mountains were magnificent, and the snow was...inspiring. I swear I could hear music entwined in the flurries and whispered through the trees. I cannot understand how I survive the day-to-day in such a mundane location, when elsewhere thoughts fill the air with the wind. It will take me weeks to fully recover from the two days I spent in the bliss of winter.

Ah, yes. It is time to watch POTO again, so I will go now.

Yearning, my puppets,
Diana

Abandon thought and let the dream descend...

2008-02-10T12:11:00.001-08:00

Finally! My internet is letting me post directly through blogspot, so now I don't need to be paranoid about editing it later...

So I'm a my mom's house now, and I will be for 2 weeks. Hopefully I will be productive. I hauled my lighting equipment over here and I made a rather large order from sock-dreams.com that will be here by next week I'm assuming. Not to mention I have my corset and my curls from IKickShins. Ooooh, and I finally got a backdrop system!! So things are definitely looking up.

One thing that I really want to do though is raid thrift stores. The thrift stores in my mom's town are really awful, but I won't be back in LA for 2 weeks. I've never really been to thrift stores at all, really. But I must make the time to do so.

Sigh.

Anyways, in a little over a month I will be going to a road trip to Seattle. Our plan is to get out of California ASAP, make our way through Oregon and visit Corvallis (the town I used to live in before I moved to California), and then go to Seattle. The whole purpose of this trip is that my sister wants to visit some friends. Despite that, I'm so excited!!! I can't wait for new settings...and that I may visit Zeynep!! Gahhh, this is going to be good.

In other news, I really wish I could take my singing further. I have a pretty good singing voice, but I need to work on it a bit more to make it fuller. All the practise I get is singing musicals (while my sister tells me to shut up) or listening to a few voice training CDs every now and then (but I always get distracted). I used to take voice lessons, but I quit because I didn't like the lack of freedom. Part of me regrets it, but now I want to forge my own path. I especially want to have an operatic style of singing. Right now the two musical soundtracks I am obsessed with are Sweeney Todd and The Phantom of the Opera (2004). I tend to like the movie version of soundtracks because there is more emotion wheras stage performances tend to place more focus on big voices. But yes.

I know this is weird, but I get really sad watching Phantom of the Opera because it reminds me of being in Italy. I've really been missing Europe so much it almost hurts. I want to be back there exploring, appreciating, and I know it will not happen for quite a while.

Anyways...here's one of my favorite scenes (and songs to sing) from The Phantom of the Opera:

By the way, that's an example of how to seduce me. :D

And now I shall flee.

Till next time, puppets!
Diana

Stay or go.

2008-02-07T19:21:00.001-08:00

Hello dears! I know, I've been neglecting my blog. But I've been trying to unwind a bit and limiting my Internet activity helps.

Unfortunately, my mind does not rest at ease. My week has been quite nerve wracking and as of late I'm feeling ashamed, vulnerable, self-conscious, ugly...the list goes on. Things have not been pleasant and I'm not sure if I am comfortable going into further detail. I think this downward spiral will soon end, but the feelings of guilt and self-loathing persistently linger.

One thing that will certainly help me is the fact that I will be out for the next few weeks. I will be at my mom's and we plan on going skiing. Therefore, there will be snow, new photo opportunities, and the male staff from New Zealand and Australia on their winter break who will flirt with my at the ski lifts. Hopefully I won't humiliate myself as I did last time...

...hmmm, perhaps it is story time. Hahah. Here's what happened. I think I was thirteen and I was skiing and absorbing the flirtations of the staff boys. Of course, being from Australia, they had an accent. Things were going splendidly and eventually one of them decided they wanted to ride the lift with me, which was awesome considering boys never really like me. I kept on going up that lift and talking to them...until I unfortunately misunderstood their accent. I think they said something about snowballs and I thought that they said "snowboard." Oh god, did I feel like an ignorant loser. But things have changed!! So when I go back this year I will work on my social skills. :P

One of my rules of skiing (well, actually, trying to impress guys) is to always wear my hair down. Always. Even if it means that ten hours later my 2.5 ft. long hair will be transformed into a mass of frizz. No matter, it hopefully looks spectacular as I fly down the slopes at 15+ miles per hour.

Anyways, enough of that foolishness.

As far as my photography, I am busy getting organized. I'm trying to get some new accessories and props because I have a plethora of ideas I must try out, but it will be a while before I get settled. So hopefully there will be new pictures soon!

Anyways, farewell. More posts as things develop.

Love to my puppets,

Diana

In regards

2008-01-30T11:03:00.001-08:00

Apologies for my absence! I've been trying to spend less time on the Internet recently and perhaps I am doing too good a job. I fear people believe I am being standoffish and greater-than-thou, but I assure you that is not the case and I apologize if it seems as such.

Well! What has been going on? I've seen Sweeney Todd about 7 times now and have had the soundtrack on repeat for a while (with breaks to listen to the Chicago soundtrack). It's really addictive and demented and I love it! I just wish that it wasn't as big a fad to like Tim Burton movies. It seems that so many people watch them not because they appreciate the story or the set but because it's so "cool" to. Ah well, enough with the complaining. I haven't done any acting (stage-wise, of course) since high school and really want to get back into it. And singing, too. Hmmm.

Along that vein of talk, I've been designing some clothes on my tablet again. I REALLY want to learn how to sew. First, I need a sewing machine. I've talked to my mom about it and she says she's been wanting to replace her sewing machine anyways and she could teach me how to use it. First, she says, I should learn to use pre-made patterns and learn to personalize them by adding details and embellishments, but it will be a while before I can actually sew my own designs. Sighsigh, such patience will take an effort! Alas, I fear this will be one of those plans that never comes to fruition. :(

In other news, my corset arrived! Well, almost. It was sent to my mom's house so she's going to send it over here for me. But the problem is that when I casually told my dad about it he kind of freaked. The thing is, he knew I was getting a corset and knew that I've wanted one for a while, but he never actually understood exactly what it was. Apparently all he knew was that it was a historical garment that was notorious for being painful you don't see people wearing everyday anymore. When I told him about the waist training and reduction, he immediately put a ban on it! He said that I will not wear it 24/7 and that he wants to talk to my doctor about whether it's healthy. See, he thought this was a crazy weight-loss-diet-me-freaking-out-about-my-weight thing. So I had to argue with him and explain that this was not a weight loss scheme and it was perfectly healthy because I got it custom made. It was difficult because he just wouldn't understand that it's a girl thing and that it's not a terrible thing. I think I got him to be a bit more lenient but it was frustrating because he knew it was coming and as soon as it's here he says "no." Gahhh!

Anyways, puppets, I will flee. Remember, I don't live on the Internet so don't be offended if I don't reply ASAP.

Love,

Diana

No common sense included? That's just my style!

2008-01-24T10:51:00.001-08:00

Hello puppets!

As I briefly mentioned in my last post, I've been reading through the Best of Craigslist. Now, there are a lot of truly hilarious rants, sales attempts, and personals, and thus I became intrigued and decided to browse through the posts on the actual posting pages. After a few minutes of searching for people in my area who were selling a certain camera, I made my way over to the "casual encounters" section just to see what kind of weirdos were begging for a lay. And I was not disappointed.

Now, let me clear something up. I didn't go over there because I wanted to meet people or because I was remotely interested in what they had to offer. I just wanted to see what the typical horny craigslist poster tries to pull in order bone someone no-strings-attached. I'm not a psycho, and I'm not that desperate.

So anyways, I was expecting to read the most vulgar, ignorant, undignified propositions. And guess what? I did! I'm not going to go into detail because I don't feel like repeating their exact phrases on my blog. I'm not here to preach their lifestyles but...are you serious? Are you really serious? Any girl with half a brain should be able to realize that while they may not be catering to a serial killer, they could still become the new breeding ground for really nasty strain of infection. But this system works in their favor!! I mean, obviously people take up the ads otherwise they would not still be in business. I wasn't surprised, shocked, or disgusted because I'm not too squeamish when it comes to this kind of thing, but there were some things that I couldn't ignore.

For example, last night was a rainy night. So when I was looking at the ads in my area, a lot of the guys were talking like "It's raining out, wanna be kept warm?" (trust me, that was probably one of the mildest examples of a subject line). All I could think about was "That's the same rain that's falling on my own roof!! I'm sharing that rain with him??" And there were ads from my own town! Ads from people only a ten minute drive away!! Disneyland may tell you that it's a small world, but you never realize how big your city is until you get an idea of all the sick fuck living there. These people know exactly what they want and they want it now. These were not ads for the long run, oh no. These were men saying "Come on over tonight." And I just thought to myself, "Who is this guy? He could be my neighbor! He could be one of my old teachers!!" And then there were the really this-is-obviously-not-a-good-idea kind of posts, like "Meet me off the I-95?" Who the hell in their right minds would meet some craigslist creep on a freeway ramp??

That rant is over. While it was an eye-opening experience, I will never ever meet up with those men. And just for your own safety, if you go browsing through there to see what I'm talking about, do NOT click on the ads that have pictures attached unless you're ready to see some really intimate anatomy. :/

Over.

Yes, I finally got to see Juno last night. I thought it was very cute and very funny, even if the soundtrack annoyed the hell out of me. One thing I really liked was that despite the whole pregnancy thing, the movie wasn't so kid-centric. I really liked Ellen Page in Hard Candy. She's very good at playing teenagers. Kudos.

And those are my observations for the morning.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Let's see if this works...

2008-01-22T12:39:00.001-08:00

Good Morrow, puppets!

Okay, I'm trying this thing now where I post entries through my email. I'm having this issue with my Internet where every time I try to post an entry, IE says it has "encountered an error and needs to close." I don't plan on having my blog indisposed for long periods of time, so let's see if this works!

Enough dallying. Here's what's been going on in my life:

-I've been experimenting with my new lighting equipment, which is delightful! I still haven't got the hang of it completely, but I'm working on it.

-I've been watching a lot of period movies. This is within normality, of course, but I have a new current favorite! Dangerous Liaisons with Glenn Close, John Malcovich, and an extremely young Uma Thurman and Keanu Reeves. Grrrrr...let's just say John Malcovich's performance was indeed quite riveting. You might even say ravishing. Hahah. But yes, few things make me more giddy than a lascivious man in a powdered wig and Georgian fashion (when it's on the decadent bedroom floor, that is). Oh dear, such prurience is condemnable!!

-I've been slowly eating my way through Jane Eyre. Not exactly the most uplifting story, but it's a great book to read before bed and I am quite enjoying it.

-Waiting for my "special delivery" to arrive. I've wanted one for years and I'm finally going to get one!!! Gahhh, I am quite impatient.

-Reading though The Best of Craig's List. It's so awful of me, but there is some really funny stuff in there. :/

-And thinking about love. Not that I like anyone in particular, but I have been observing people who do love someone and I wonder what that feels like...to love so much it hurts. I mean, it's really adorable that most guys would rather nail their closest guy friend than to even approach me, but it gets quite tiresome being so undesirable. Part of me wants to know what (if anything) I am doing wrong, but I fear the possibility of making a complete change of heart frightens me and I begin to wonder if it's worth it. I have my doubts about love anyway. I can honestly say that I have verily rarely seen true love prevail. I don't want to risk the humiliation of being hurt, and feeling so stupid. They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, but even with my lack of experience I disagree. I've lost hope for that.

Not to say I want a relationship anyways. I really don't at the moment. But I just want to feel wanted, you know? I've never been in demand, and I doubt I ever will. I feel pathetic for being so pessimistic over something I have yet to experience, but I just...don't have any other way to feel. I'm not even waiting for some to sweep me off my feet, and yet it seems I have already given up the very thought.

Anyways, my puppets. I bid thee adieu.

Fare thee well!

Diana

Hardest of all

2008-01-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry about my absence! There are some technical problems with my Internet. I'm on a different computer now and thought it prudent to provide you with an update. A lot has happened since my last post!!!

1) First and foremost, I got lighting equipment!!! I know, finally, right? I have 3 lights, with 2 brollys and a softbox. I have a few test shots on my Flickr. Not only are these lights incredible and exciting, but they also pleasure me sexually (for those out there with absolutely no sense on humor, that was a joke). Yes, I can't wait to start getting the hang of them because I have a plethora of ideas just aching to come to fruition.

2) This was a long time coming but....I ordered a corset! It's sort of a late Christmas present. It's a training corset that will eventually take my waist size down by 6 inches! I can't wait for it to arrive. I only ordered it today and already I am eager to try it out! So expect lots of corsety goodness in the near future. :D

Oh my, did I say a lot had happened? Hahah, I guess not. But what has happened means a lot to me!

On a completely different note:

Do you know one thing that really pisses me off? When people insist on being 'fashionably late.' It's no longer fashionable to be late; it's just rude. Trust me, when people are late to a gathering I'm not thinking to myself, "Oh goodness, they must be so incredibly important and that's why they must be late!" No, I'm thinking, "What the fuck, bitch!!?! Would it have killed you to arrive on time? Did you not understand when I told you to be here? When I say to meet me at this place at a certain time, I mean haul your ass over here promptly! Jesus Christ!!!"

But of course I do not say that to them when they arrive. :P

Anyways, my dears, I will update again as life develops.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

The complete deterioration of beauty as we knew it.

2008-01-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

Here's some love for some of my favorite classic ladies:

(Sophia Loren)

(Lillian Gish)
(Louise Brooks)

(Claudette Colbert)

(Veronica Lake)
(Lana Turner)

(Hedy Lamarr)

(Marlene Dietrich)

(Grace Kelly)

(Audrey Hepburn)

(Clara Bow)

But they don't make women like that anymore because people are too busy drooling over skanks like this:

Ugh. Puke. Ew. What happened to the classic genes of the Golden Age? They didn't even have Photoshop back then and they managed to look about 8943378468 times better than any so-called modern "hottie", not to mention they were effortlessly classy to begin with. And now that we have this great photographic technology, we have to waste it on greasy, gross celebrities who don't even try to be elegant. Hollywood used to be a beacon of hope for girls around the world; now it's a place where historic movie theatres are being torn down and turned into nightclubs. And people wonder why I want to get the hell out of California.

Sighsighsigh...things were very different back then...if they ever succeed in making a time machine I would be the first on it for an extended trip to the past. I want to be there for the excitement of the birth of a new era instead of the current decline of it.

Later, puppets,
Diana

Revision

2008-01-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

A few friends have recently brought up the subject of implied nudity in artwork and I felt compelled to write an entry about it.

To be clear, I've had to shoot some photos without clothes on several occasions. I see no point in hiding it because it's not like I'm doing anything dirty; it's not like you see any "parts" of me. And typically it ends up hardly being evident. But nowadays even if you have a bare back showing you're on the verge of being a slut. Hahahah. That's sad. Sometimes clothes can interfere with the way a picture is going to turn out. For example, if you're shooting a headshot with shoulders visible, do you think it's going to look better with a shirt/tank top on? No, it wouldn't.

I suppose it always depends on the context. If the picture truly is tasteless, then yes I understand why people might freak out. But if it's not slutty (as in, it is artistic), there really is nothing to be afraid of. If people aren't mature enough to understand that then they really aren't worth your time.

And people freak out over the silliest things!! Like legs or backs. What the hell? It's a pair of legs! Everyone has them, and we all know what they look like! But people think if you show too much leg, you've been around the block several times. Same with backs. A bare back has nothing inappropriate about it. It's funny that the media says girls need to stop being ashamed of their bodies when society can hardly handle the presence of flesh. I suppose that when people see exposed skin they immediately think "sex!!!" That, my friends, is idiotic. Skin is a canvas and is explicit only if you make it so. Yes, there are some horny bastards out there who probably get off to the sight of any skin. But there will always be the exception, so I'm not going to let those people rule my life. Not to say that my work is full of skin, it's just that if I do more of that kind of thing it won't be inappropriate.

Anyways.

It's so weird...I used to really dislike She Wants Revenge. Then, almost overnight, I really really like them. I saw the video for "These Things" with Shirley Manson in it and I ended up liking that song. Then I downloaded their albums and now I really like them, especially the sensuality and narrative in their songs. I think I didn't like them because I didn't like their first single "Tear You Apart." Hahah, funny how things change.

While we're on the subject of Shirley Manson:

...who easily has one of the most interesting, unique, and beautiful faces in the world. I can't believe she was bullied for her looks when she was younger. Some people are absolutely blind because I would give my left eye to be born as beautiful as her.

Not to mention she's a total bombshell in the SWR video:

But yes. I'll end here.

Farewell, puppets!
Diana

Back! Sort of!

2007-12-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

I have my laptop back! But it's still broken, so sometime eventually my computer will be back in the shop. Since the loss of my computer I have literally read over 2000 pages of books including the magnificent The Sweet Far Thing by Libba Bray. Amazing, amazing book! Anyways, I'll catch you up on what has happened! With candid pictures!!

So on Christmas Eve, out of the blue, Dad decides to spend our Christmas in Santa Barbara. We pack some clothes, essentials, and a whole bunch of other crap together and hit the road sometime in the afternoon. I had the most stuff because of my camera equipment. The first night was mellow; we ate a lovely dinner and turned in. When I say "turn in," I mean "my sister and I watched TNT until 3 in the morning." Which led to the personal discovery that pretty much any crime drama on TNT turns me on.

The next day was Christmas!! We stuffed ourselves to bursting at the lunch buffet at our hotel (where I tried to undress this one really good looking man with my eyes). Afterwards we hung in our hotel room and I took a walk alone on the beach, which was lovely. Soon after we went for a walk along the wharf. Despite her intense hatred of being photographed, I managed to force my sister into a few pictures:

Yep, she's a Mawrter now. She just got accepted into Bryn Mawr! And she's not bad looking either. People either think we noting alike or that we look identical. We've been mistaken as twins at airport security on 2 separate occasions, which is a little scary when you think about it because these are the people who are supposed to protect our country from terrorists. I personally think we look extremely different.

I did a silly series of pictures that I may post onto Flickr eventually. This what happens when my older sister decides to intrude in my pictures:

Please ignore how hideous I look. But if you want another picture of me looking hideous and my sister:

Hahah.

Anyways. To condense the following 2 days into a list, I bought a lot of books on lighting equipment, I discovered that I like edible flowers (I'm not shitting you), I watched TNT to my sheer pleasure, we drove home, and I read read read. And now it's new year's eve.

It's weird knowing that in a few hours, it'll be 2008. No, that's a lie. What's interesting to me is that in 2009 I'll be 18 years old. Gahhh! But regarding 2008, I'm really hesitant. It just doesn't feel like 2007 is over. We're not even partying or anything. It feels like any other day, except that there's more food.

And so ends the last blog entry of 2007.

Oh well. Till next time my puppets! And here's to the new year! Good luck to all.
Diana

P.S. My New Year resolutions:

-Get fit/lose weight
-Commit to things
-Get more art done
-Get inspired

So no one gets confused...

2007-12-22T20:39:00.000-08:00

My laptop is still in repair (and will probably be for quite some time), but I've managed to get on the internet for a bit. Don't expect too much activity from me until I get my laptop back, but I'll get back to you guys soon!. Anyways, I just thought you should know that I would very much like to be courted by any man who looks and dresses like so:

And I'm done.

Love from your anachronistic friend!
Diana

P.S. Thank you to madamekat for the photos! :P

Character

2007-12-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

NOTE: MY COMPUTER WILL BE OUT FOR REPAIRS FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL DAYS. I know, I know, it seems my computer is always broken. But this should be the last repair for a while, I promise!!! So I won't be online to check messages and what not. If you want to talk and you have my phone number, call me! Anyways, on to the entry...

---------

I've finally figured out one way to describe myself, or, more specifically, my style. I call it the "whatever the hell I want" style. I don't fit perfectly into any fashion/music/artistic culture because I often contradict myself. Some days I'll dress goth, and the next day glamorous. If I like it, I just go with it even if it's different from one minute to the next. Same with my art; maybe I'll make a creepy picture, and then a pretty picture.

Anyways.

List of things I really shouldn't like but, for some reason, do:

-Certain TV shows. I mean, I watch decently intellectual shows such as Battlestar Galactica and House MD on a regular basis, but when I really want to relax and have a good time I watch silly shows like Family Guy, Futurama, The Mighty Boosh, and American Dad! I also watch really superficial shows sometimes, like America's Next Top Model or Fashionably Late with Stacey London. I honestly have no clue why I'm attracted to these things! But I don't take them seriously, trust me. I just watch them to laugh or pass time.

-Certain bands. As with my style, it is again one of those "whatever the hell I want" things that are really erratic. I try to listen to music that is relevant and deep, but sometimes I find myself listening to the same stereotypical bands that most everyone else does. I don't even have to list them because you probably know what I'm talking about (or you can go to my Last.fm profile). I guess I find something in there worth listening to...hmmm.

-The Internet! Damn you mystic piece of technology! Leeching my time, forcing me to browse though sites of clothing I'm unable to buy and check my inbox every 5 minutes, as if anyone really is that eager to talk to me. Not to mention the hours spent on AIM, despite the fact that I'm on "invisible" most of the time (because most people online make me want to puke...I only talk to the same 2-4 people who know that they must get past my shield of invisibility in order to talk). I mean, I love meeting people online. But it gets a bit frustrating when it's just pixels on a screen. Damn, damn, damn, fuck, damn!

-The mirror. Trust me, I'm really not vain about my looks. I'm not exactly the prettiest peach on the tree. But whenever I get the chance to eye my reflection, I do. I think everyone is guilty of this. I'm also quite handicapped when it comes to makeup, unfortunately. I know how to apply lip gloss and I can use an eyelash curler and mascara, but beyond that I am clueless. Which really sucks because I don't know what I can do with my face. I know my face can't handle a lot of makeup very well, but I wish there was someone who could tell me what would be good for me cosmetics-wise.

Ehhh, I thought the list would be longer.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

--------------------------

EDIT:

You know, I was thinking about that list I just made and realized that I shouldn't feel guilty or dumb for liking those things. Why should that be a judgement of my character? Okay, so maybe I'm not as straightedge as I could be. But I never understood why people feel that in order to show their love for something, they must hate something else. So I think I should feel better that I have an open mind. I know that I'm not a brain dead flake that mindlessly follows things, and hopefully my friends know that too. I don't associate myself with any of today's "scenes" and it feels very good. I think it's good to have a mixture of interests that makes one multi-faceted.

I just wish people knew me more. I'm one of those people who thinks that it takes time and effort to get to know people very well. Therefore, I don't waste my time on people I know I could never befriend. I have a hard time talking to people I can't connect to, even if it's a casual conversation or a simple one liner. I've learned that the hard way, but I'm sick and tired of surrounding myself with negative relationships. So if I talk to you, it's because I really want to know you as a person. Hell, I'm not afraid to say that it's because I care about you to a certain degree. I just wish people would let me in more often.

And that's that.

G'night lovelies,
Diana

Rrrrrra!

2007-12-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

What do washing machines, double beds, sandpaper, powdered sugar, jury stands, dining room tables, checkered floors, marble staircases,windowsills, armchairs, and elaborate gardens have in common?

I'm not telling youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

Anyways. I really hope I can get out of the house for a while. Other than that, I really love this Levis commercial:

Rawrrrr.

Oh goodness, I can spend hours on end looking at pictures of pretty cupcakes and pastries! I used to do some cake decorating, but haven't done it for a while. Maybe I should start again soon? Heheh...

I think I'll take this time to say that this past cycle of ANTM was complete bullshit. The winner, I mean. I loved a lot of the girls this cycle, but Saleishia did NOT deserve to win. It was totally rigged! Tootie has had previous experience and has known Tyra since before the show. Well, I've know for over a month now that Tootie would take home the trophy (thanks to leaks), but I was hoping to get proven wrong. She really is too...Target catalogue. In a way I'm glad she won because she still won't be successful. Everyone else will have pretty good modelling careers. My favorites from this cycle were Victoria, Heather, Lisa, Sarah, and Kimberly. I think it's a good thing they'll be able to forge their own paths, but in terms of merit...Tootie didn't deserve it. But I will continue to watch the show because I enjoy it for some reason. I like watching the photoshoots mostly. :P

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Chocolate

2007-12-11T20:11:00.000-08:00

I need to stop eating so much chocolate! Hahahhahah. I'm a fiend!

Anyways. Updates in my life are minimal. So far it seems as though I'm still stuck at home for Christmas, and my mom already left for Italy so that option is out of the question. This will be my first Christmas in SoCal in all the 10 years I've been living here. :(

In other news, I might be painted by Michael Hussar! If I can get my dad to allow it. Hussar also went to ACCD. He's the genius behind this painting...you may know of it:

"Daddy's Girl"

But yes. Other than that, things have been mellow. I've been coming up with ideas for pictures, waiting for the opportunity to get them done. Perhaps if we go to Santa Barbara for a few days, I can use a hotel room to my advantage...? I'm not trying to get my hopes up, though. But this dry spell is driving me up the wall!

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

My views on religion.

2007-12-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

I feel I need to clear this up quickly and thoroughly so nobody gets confused about it anymore. I'm going to lay all my opinions out on the line so nobody can say I've been darting around this matter. So here we go: my views on religion.

I feel I need to start out by saying that I personally am agnostic. I've pondered for a very long time over whether or not I'm an atheist or not, but for now I've concluded I am agnostic. I do not connect with any religion because I'd rather not waste my time on something we can never prove. I most definitely could never ever follow the "God" who is so predominate in today's religions. Everyday I live in the fear that religious people will judge me as vile due to my lack of faith. That's how it is right now. A good Christian can proclaim their love for the lord without anyone standing in their way, but if I were to shout my disbelief from the rooftops, I would be immediately branded as amoral, unethical, ruthless, cruel, and heartless.

I have morals. I have standards. I have respect for people, and I am compassionate. I have emotions because it's natural. I am often guilty of the Seven Cardinal Sins because I'm only human. What I can't do is believe in, and certainly not love, a god who ordered the killing of millions of people whilst simultaneously stating "Thou shall not kill." I cannot believe in a god who says that in the event of a rape, a woman should be stoned at the gates of her city for not having cried for help, thus insinuating she enjoyed it and was sinful. I cannot love a god who says that children of "sinners" should be slaughtered, and that an entire town of innocent people should be burned to the ground if one of the inhabitants does not have faith in him. I can't ignore the atrocities of God and focus only on the better traits.

Oh, and please don't get me started on the other countless hypocrisies in this religion of "love." The Bible states that God promotes peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, forgiveness, and mercy and yet it is often stated that God is vengeful, jealous, violent, angry, and unsatisfied with man (by the way aren't those all cardinal sins?). In my eyes, God is the abusive father who molests you regularly and often beats you into submission for talking back, but then says he loves you because you are his child. If God were your father, would you want to live under the same roof with one so volatile? If God were a human, would you tolerate his erratic and cruel behavior? How can God be righteous when, in my opinion, he embodies all the evils he preaches against? And God wonders why so many people don't love him.

I could never love someone who lets people die in shootings, wars, terrorist attacks, natural disasters, etc. If God created everything there is, I cannot love him for creating the cancer my mom just finished treatment for. I cannot love one who allows rape and murder to happen on a daily basis. How could I? God seems to bless the world with such acts of hatred. He says it's a test of humanity, and that it is all part of his "plan." I've never understood what God's plan is. What is his plan? Why do people blindly worship him for a plan that never seems to come to fruition? Seeing how selfish God seems to be already, how can this plan possibly benefit us? What if his plan is to kill us all? Why should we trust him? Trust needs to be earned.

Perhaps my lack of faith is due to my scientific mind. I'd rather look for a conclusive answer to my questions instead of thinking "God made it so, and so I will not pursue it further." I'll question whatever I fucking want, thank you very much. If everyone had left everything as it was because God made it so, we wouldn't have modern medicine. There would be no vaccines, no penicillin, and we probably wouldn't even know what AIDS is. Face it; science has brought humanity out from the darkness of barbarism and high death rates. Sure, we're playing God. But on a scientific standpoint, animals will always do what it takes to survive. That's why evolution took place. That's why the flu virus mutates on a yearly basis and kills many unfortunate people. And if we need to scorn our creator to keep on living, so be it. You might be a creationist and deny that evolution happened, but there will come a time when you will have to take your fingers out of your ears, uncover your eyes, and understand that whether you like it or not, science holds the truth. And if God is so disappointed with us doing so, why not kill us all? If humans are so deceitful, why are we worth keeping around? If he places sin in our hearts as a test of our nature and is constantly unsatisfied, why not get rid of us?

God seems to be a strong supporter of modesty, but the Bible is so full of sex, violence, and substance abuse that it could be rated XXX. They just don't read those parts to you in church. Doesn't it fill your heart with joy and love to read about how God ordered the killings of millions of people? Doesn't it make you feel so fuzzy and warm inside to read about the rape and slaughter of women and children? Also, religious people think they are so pious nowadays, but if they really wanted to go to heaven they'd follow every single outrageous rule in the bible. Which they don't. Nowadays you can be a total slut and a jackass, but people look at you like you're a saint if you believe in God. This is why I laugh every time a dirty priest rears his head (or penis). It's human nature to lust. That's why we have thousands of nerve endings in our genitals. If sex didn't feel good, nobody would reproduce. And isn't it God's wish for humans to be fruitful and provide more sinning children for him to kill?

I also hate it when I turn on the news to see some bible beater talking about the evils of rock music. In case you didn't know, religion has killed more people than rock music ever has and it continues to. It's a personal thing. If a kid listens to a rock song and then kills somebody, it's not the song's fault, it's how the kid interpreted it. The Bible, on the other hand, explicitly orders the killing of non-believers. As Marilyn Manson said, it's better to write a song about hatred instead of actually hurting someone.

My opinions aren't formed on an ignorant basis, by the way. I've had lots of experiences with religion. My family used to be religious ("used to" being the operative phrase). I went to Bible camp once. I went to a religious middle school that made us go to chapel two times each week. I bit my tongue at every prayer because I knew I just couldn't believe in what was being preached to me. I've had this seed of disbelief planted in my head for quite some time now, and I've had a lot of time to think about this.

After all of that, I feel obligated to explain some things I respect about religion. When I travel to Europe and visit ancient cathedrals, I am always in awe of the architecture. I find myself appreciating the fact that without religion, such a magnificent structure would never have been built. That doesn't mean I still believe in or love God. I do not wish for religion to be obliterated from history because history has been enriched by these beliefs. And though religion never taught me the things I know and the morals I practice, I know that religion is what keeps so many other people from doing wrong.

I'm not saying that I'm so good and religious people are so bad. I'm just saying why I can't believe in God. It's not in my nature to pray, spend perfectly opportune Sunday mornings in church, and devote my heart to something that doesn't exist. I know how to be humble without having to fear a greater being, because fear isn't love. And if you want me to give you my advice, I say just live your life. Be moral and respectful, but live your life without worrying if you're going to hell or not. Just because you indulge in what you want doesn't mean you're a bad person. I don't know why anyone would follow a religion that says you can't enjoy yourself. And besides, heaven sounds boring. In the words of the immortal Billy Joel, "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints...the sinners are much more fun."

Anyways, to wrap this up I'll say that I don't believe in God, I don't agree with and am disgusted by most of what he says, and I never will. There's just too much hypocrisy for me. I also don't think that there is absolutely no possibility of some form of supernatural in this life, but if there is I do not believe it takes the form of "God." I respect people's opinions, but please respect mine. However, I'm going to disable comments anyway.

Till next time my puppets!
Diana

P.S. Here are some enlightening videos on this matter:

VERY good interview. Of course, I disagree with O'Reilly, but Marilyn Manson makes some very good points.

I really do not enjoy politics, but I found watching this worthwhile because Mitt Romney is obviously in the wrong here. I applaud Keith Olbermann for pointing this out.

Another video with a focus on Marilyn Manson, but again, Manson makes very very good points that cannot be shrugged off or ignored.

Unthreatening.

2007-12-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. Moving on feels so fucking good. Memories of the past are painful to recall, but ideas of the future breathe life into me. I can honestly say that the one thing keeping me from losing my sanity is hope.

By the way, no sexual predator is that good looking:

Trust me, I've been keeping a (responsible) eye out. ;-D

Also, I am dying for Emilie Autumn's 4 o'Clock to come out! I really want to pre-order it, but I'm broke. Anyways, the preview sample of the song "4 o'Clock" sounds absolutely incredible. Listen!

Time for a silly survey....

ARE YOU:

1. An Asshole? - Nope
2. Tall? - Hahhahhaha, no. No. :P
4. In your pajamas? - Not anymore
5. Left handed? - Nope
7. Sensitive? - Erraticly so. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.
8. Easy to be a friend? - As soon as I get to know you, and if you don't keep secrets from me or talk about me behind my back....
9. hot or cold or perfect? - Perfect. Which, for me, is cold.
10. Angered easily? - Yes, but I hold it in and it goes away quickly

LAST:

1. Friend you saw? - Oh wow. That's a really hard one. I have no clue.
2. Chore you did? - Sweeping the dining room
3. To punch you? - Nobody. Because I'll rip your heart out of your chest, fill the bleeding cavity with gasoline, and set your insides on fire if you do.
4. Thing you drank? - Water
6. Time you cried? - Within the past week
8. Purchase? - Supplies for my last pictures
9. Thing to make you smile? - I don't recall...probably something from BSG.

FAVORITE:

1. Number: - 3? I'm not sure
2. Colors? - Almost all of them, excpet standard colors and the color brown. I HATE brown.
3. Food: - Meat! Fish! Your innards on a kabob!
4. Song: - I can't answer that, there are so many.
5. Day: - I have no days anymore.
6.Season: - Autumn and Winter

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q: What's the first thing you did this morning? Clean the table.
Q: Do you have anything bothering you? Yes, I have nothing to do and I'm trapped in my house and I can't get any pictures done...
Q: Where is the last place you went? I honestly don't know. Probably the mall? I really don't know.
Q: Where did you sleep last night? In my bed. As opposed to in someone elses.
Q: Why did you sleep there? Because I don't have anyone I'm fucking quite yet.
Q: What was the last reason you cried? The usual reasons.
Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night? "4 o'Clock"
Q: Rate life as of right now one being bad ten being great? 6.5
Q: What do you hear right now? The laudry washing, my dad and my grandma talking...
Q: What's your favorite way to do your hair? Down in waves.

1. Where is your girlfriend/ boyfriend right now? Rotting under the floorboards of the dining room.
2. Last place you hugged someone? Living room
3. Name three things you did today? 1) Woke up, 2) Slaughtered the neigbors' dog for breakfast, 3) Listened to music
4. Last thing you said? I was singing "4 o'Clock"
5. What kind of phone do you have? Crappy, ugly phone.
6. What are you doing right now? Doing this survey whilst twisting the heads off small animals
7. What color eyes do you have? Brown and green. Like the gangrene on a corpse.
8. Is your hair up? Yes.
9. Are you wearing shoes? Slippers
10. Do you have a chair in your room? Yes, and it takes up too much hspace
11. What are you doing tomorrow? Hopefully taking pictures, and torturing the children I keep locked in the closet.
12. Do you know anyone named Betsy? I think I dismembered someone by that name...
13. What's the color of your hair? Brownish
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Of course I do! I used to sing at school a lot.
15. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? No, because I'm pretty sure they've decomposed completely by now.
16. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? Yesterday, and that's the last time anyone could ever speak to her again.
17. Do you play an instrument? Surgical instruments, of course.
18. Do you like fire? It's very convenient when eliminating evidence.
19. Are you allergic to anything? Nope.
22. Do you miss anyone? I miss Europe so badly...

Take care, puppets! The third season of Battlestar Galactica awaits. Frack me!

Diana

I could never...

2007-12-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

Another mass shooting today. At all mall in Omaha, Nebraska. 8 innocent people are dead, and the gunman shot himself. Why does this keep happening?

I have a decently strong stomach. I can be very tolerant of what some people do. But these shootings make me so fucking sick. Nothing, nothing justifies such an awful, despicable act. No matter how depressed or angry anyone is, there is no reason for such evil. I've been depressed, I've been angry, but never in my life would I ever do anything so vile to people who don't deserve it.

There are people who deserve to die certainly. Hell, I've known people who deserve nothing less than a shot to the face. But innocent people, just living their lives? I couldn't do that to them, or their families.

I don't believe in God, but if there is a divine power, I hope it carries the souls of these victims to a place of peace. As for the shooter, I hope his soul burns and is tortured in the most wretched of Hells.

Diana

Silk-spun dreams...

2007-12-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a very lovely book at the moment. It's called The Luxe, by Anna Godbersen. I have a love for period novels thanks to my fascination with history and my desire to live the life of previous eras. Especially the ones that take place between 1700-1900.

Oh, how I wish I could go back in time and mingle with the elite of centuries past! I'd attend costume balls wearing massive gowns of silk and satin, my waist tightly cinched by exquisite corsets that were much more easily accessible than they are now. I'd sway to the tunes of a live orchestra, the cloth of my skirt rustling and twirling as I pick up speed dancing Viennese waltzes with the fine young gentlemen vying for my affection. I'd cause scandal in the papers, travel the world by steamboat, gain acquaintances, and do it all in impeccable style.

Sighsighsigh...alas, this dream will never approach fruition.

Till next time, my puppets!!
Diana

The curse of free speech.

2007-11-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

Goddammit, you know what makes my blood fucking boil? People who feel the need to be disrespectful or critical for absolutely no reason. There are times to be critical and times to just shut your fucking mouth. If I complain about something in my personal life, I'm not trying to start a revolution, I'm just stating my opinion. I'm not running for office, there's no need to get snarky. Ever stop to think that there's a good reason I'm complaining? Ever stop to think that I've actually given more than 10 seconds of thought to a topic that I'm discussing?

You know what I hate even more? People who use "I'm being honest" as an excuse. There's a a fine line between honesty and being rude. If an overweight person complains about not being able to find clothes their size, do you tell them, "Well, maybe you shouldn't be such a fatass"? No, you don't. Because even if it's true, it's just out of line. You might ask "You're complaining online, why shouldn't I?" The thing is, I'm complaining out of passion; you're complaining about me just for the sake of being a dick.

Hey, you know what? I love free speech. I love being able to log onto my blog and write to my heart's content. But "free-speech" isn't exactly your ticket to be a bitch. You still should have some courtesy because even though this is just the internet, there's a girl on this end of this connection who's going to be affected by what you say. Here's a little rule for you: If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, don't you fucking say it to someone online.

You also know what I love about the Internet? That I can disable comments. Because lord knows how many bitchy comments I might get on this entry if I allowed them. Luckily, I don't have to deal with your shit.

Good fucking night,
Diana

Give me a moment to sound like a stereotypical, body-concious flake.

2007-11-26T11:25:00.000-08:00

I have definitely not been getting the same amount of exercise I did in high school. Not to say I worked out, but we had PE which helped (even if I skipped PE most of the time). However, my more recent semi-sedate lifestyle is starting to take its toll...and I'm gaining a little weight. Not a lot (about 5 pounds so far), but it's probably going to keep on coming.

Now, I'm decently thin. However; I am not in shape, thanks to a neck injury that threw my fitness off the rails. I'm not too embarrassed by my proportions (I'm 5'2.5" and 110 pounds the last time the doctor weighed me a month ago), but I DO NOT need, and most definitely do not want, to gain weight. I told my dad this yesterday, and all he said is that I should do chores around the house to keep me in shape.

Okay, that isn't going to help. I need cardio. I need to get onto a treadmill or something like that. Scrubbing a bathtub will not get me into shape. I want to go to the gym and work out a bit, but I probably won't be able to. I'm going to ask my dad anyways, but chances are he'll complain and say no. I've been trying to work out a bit at home, but it really isn't going to make a difference and I know it.

My diet isn't exactly salads and lean chicken, either. We're Italian, which means we breathe carbs, dense sauces, oil, pan-cooked meats, and dairy products on the daily. Dad's already made it perfectly clear that he's not going to change his cooking, and that's fine because I don't really want him to. I just want to get out of the house and get a little more active before I gain weight I'll never be able to lose.

Anyways, sorry for the silly entry. I might right something of importance later.

---------

Hahah, it actually wasn't hard getting a gym membership from my dad! That was cool. So I'm signed up for a month and we'll see what happens after that. I think I'll start going tomorrow...if I can get my lazy ass out of bed without crawling to the computer. I'll go for an hour probably. I'll try the treadmills, stationary bikes, and stair-stepping equipment.

What's not cool is the fact that I don't have gym clothes. Well, I still have my PE outfits from high school, but that's just ridiculous. Maybe I'll get my sister to go out and buy me something decent. Hahah.

But yeah.

More later.

Access

2007-11-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

The internet is definitely a wonderful thing. I particularly enjoy watching TV shows online...but Christ, it gets so annoying when a video doesn't load or is unavailable! I wish I could rent movies, or at least buy them through iTunes. I've been trying to find the miniseries for Battlestar Galactica all day, but all the links have expired. :(

Hahah, yes, I like BSG. I haven't watched it extensively, but I like what I've seen already. It feeds the inner science chick that still dwells within me.

I'm still not sure what's happening for Christmas break. My mom isn't sure if she can take me to Italy with her, and my dad's pretty sure that we aren't going anywhere. I swear, if I have to stay home for Christmas I will fucking lose it.

Anyways, more later.

Stars...

2007-11-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Had a lovely Thanksgiving! I have no doubt that I gained 5 pounds or more. Doesn't help that I love to eat! I have a fast metabolism, yes, but I'm not exactly slim and slender. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm really short...I don't know. I mean, I'm glad I have curves, but I don't want to weigh anymore than I already do. Every time I think about my obsessiveness on this matter, I think about this part from a song in American Dad!:

"American girls, we do pilates,
Starve ourselves until we're hotties,
Why? Because we like our bodies!"

But yes, enough of that. Thanksgiving was delicious and I wouldn't have missed that meal if I had the choice to.

I've been reading a lot about Edie Sedgwick recently. Her life and death were indeed tragic and I am sympathetic, but there's something about this whole situation that nags me a bit. She's a '60s icon today, loved by many girls around the world, but I have to be honest; what makes her different from every other drugged-out, rehab-bouncing celebrity today? Nowadays we look down upon stars like her, targeting and labelling them as awful human beings. However, if history repeats itself, girls like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Anna Nicole Smith will become the new pop symbols 40 years from now.

This is not to say I hate Edie or anything, it's just an observation. I just don't see why we honor so many people who, almost shamelessly, made such a mess of their lives.

Anyways.

I'm continuously stressing over my art. I fear that I am wilting. It's not that I don't have ideas, it's just that I can't pull them off. I've been considering taking a break from art, but that would be silly because I've hardly done anything good in a long time anyways. I've been anticipating Christmas break, where I traditionally go to Italy with my dad to visit my family, but I have discovered to my horror, shock, and dismay that I may not be going at all this year. I've never been home with my dad for Christmas the whole 10 years I've been living with him, so needless to say I am surprised and heartbroken. This would mean that I stay home, trapped in the house, as I already am. I am absolutely crestfallen over this matter. I'm trying to see if Mom can take me to Italy instead, but I'm not holding my breath. I find that every time I'm out of the house (typically on vacation), my creativity blossoms. Being at home feels like I'm strapped to a hospital bed breathing nitrous.

-------

Might as well do another survey...

Be honest

1. Dropped your phone in a pool? No, but I dropped my iPod in the toilet once.
2. Slept in a different bed? Yes...
3. Made out in a movie theater? No.
4. Made out with 2 different people in one night? Making out in general would be victorious for me.
5. Thought your cousin was hot? ...Um. Guilty? Shit...
6. Been in love? No.
7. Slept? What the fuck is this supposed to mean?
8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex? No! Not yet. ;P
9. Gone over the speed limit? I can't drive, you son of a bitch.
10. Painted your room? No.
11. Drove a car? Once.
12. Danced in front of your mirror? Almost daily
13. Gotten a hickey? No
14. Been dumped? Never had the chance
15. Stole money from a friend? Not from a friend.
16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? I almost did. And I would've done it if I wasn't picked up by my mom first.
17. Been in a fist fight? No
18. Snuck out of your house? When my dad wasn't home.
19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Feelings meaning lust? Probably.
20. Been arrested? No
21. Made out with a stranger? Jesus fucking Christ, what do you think?
22. Left your house with out telling your parents? Yes
23. Had a crush on your neighbor? Not yet.
24. Ditched school to do something more fun? Not school, but classes
25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? Same, yes. Opposite, not yet.
26. Seen someone die? I've seen animals die...
27. Been on a plane? I love planes!
28. Kissed a picture? Not really.
29. Slept in until 3? God, no!
30. Love someone or miss someone right now? I miss a lot of people. I love my family and friends...
31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
32. Made a snow angel? Not in Cali-fucking-fornia.
33. Played dress up? Yessss
34. Cheated while playing a game? Yessss
35. Been lonely? I am
36. Fallen asleep at work/school? At school
37. Been to a club? Not yet
38. Felt an earthquake? Yep
39. Touched a snake? Hahah, I have a very interesting experience with one actually. I like snakes.
40. Ran a red light? CAN'T DRIVE
41. Been suspended from school? no, but I've gotten people suspended and expelled.
42. Had detention? Yes, thanks to the pricks in middle school.
43. Been in a car? What's a car?
44. hated the way you look? Full-time job
45. Witnessed a crime? Yep
46. Been lost? I have
47. Been to the opposite side of the country? ...and I miss it...
48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? Yeah
49. Cried yourself to sleep? Only a few times
50. Sang karaoke? Yeah
51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? Always
52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? No
53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Not yet...
54. Kissed in the rain? No.
55. Sung in the shower? Of course.
56. Had a dream that you married someone? I don't recall...
57. played getting married? No
58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
59. Ever gone to school partially nude? No...
60. Been a? Probably, and probably not
61. Sat on a roof top? Yep
62. Didn't take a shower for a week? When I was reaaallly young
63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? Yes
64. Played chicken? Yeah
65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? No
67. Broken a bone? My collarbone, when I was 1
68. Been easily amused? Yes
69. Laugh so hard you cry? I think once...
70. Cheated on a test? Yep
71. Forgotten someone's name? I'm not good with names, I'm better with faces
72. Blacked out from drinking? I'm not that stupid.
73. Played a prank on someone? ;D
74. Gone to a late night movie? Yep.
75. Made love to anything not human? Besides the fact that beastiality is illegal and disgusting, I happen to have my virginity in tact (unfortunately)
76. Failed a class? ....
77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? I can't play instruments
79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? Never had the chance
80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? I was in Italy this year, so no
81. Thrown strange objects? Probably
82. Felt like someone? Meaning?
83. Thought about running away? I already have emergency plans
84. Ran away? No
85. Had detention and not attend it? Yes
86. Made parents cry? Unfortunately. :'(
87. Cried over someone? Grrr, yes.
88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? I think so
89. Dated someone more than once? I don't date
90. Have a dog? Not yet
91. Own an instrument? Yeah, but I can't play them
92. Been in a band? No
93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? Yuck.
94. Broken a cd? Yeah
95. Shot a gun? Yep
96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? On rare occasions
98. Have a major crush on someone right now? No
99. Have a cell phone? An ugly one.
100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? Yes

Till next time, my puppets,
Diana

Unremarkable.

2007-11-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

I continue to toy with the desire to create music. Since I am unable to play musical instruments, I would, of course, use software to create the harmony/beat/whatever I fucking want to accompany my voice. I have quite a few songs written, so that wouldn't be a problem. One nice thing is that my dad has some pretty good recording equipment I can use. He already has Adobe Audition, which covers the basics. I'm looking into programs such as KORE 2 and a bunch of others in the Native Instruments line as far as instrument software, but they are dead expensive and I would get a bit too nervous if I downloaded them illegally.

This is not to say I want to switch to a music career. It would be more of a self-fulfilling hobby...if I can get it off the ground. I'm afraid to even approach Dad about this because then he might try to control every aspect of the songs, especially lyrics and style. Gahhh!

Anyways. I'm getting increasingly frustrated and decreasingly self-confident. I feel absolutely obsolete and unremarkable...I need a change of scene before I completely go over the edge.

Hmmm, what else? Oh! I really like Tarina Tarantino's newest line of jewellery. I'm a sucker for cameos! I've been looking for some for the longest time. These are lucite, not genuine, but they're close enough. They're still pretty expensive. I like her idea of the neon cameos, but I'd probably still get them in black because it's just more versatile. I could probably afford only one thing...what should I get? I'm looking at the cameo drop earrings, but I like the cameo mod ring, too. I actually really love the multibead cameo necklace, but that's just wayyyyyy too expensive. Sigh. I also really like the fleur-de-lis earrings, but the cameos are really calling out to me. Oh, imagine that cameo necklace paired with this fleur-de-lis necklace! Now that is beyond too expensive for me, but it's a nifty little dream. Speaking of dreams, this bridal necklace is lovely (but the price isn't). I think there's a small store close to where I live...maybe I could get my sister to drive me there.

Hahah, I got really carried away on that, didn't I? I can't help it, I have a really girlish streak somewhere deep inside me.

Well, I have nothing else to say that hasn't already been said before. So I'll do this survey I stole from Zeynep:

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1. I'm sorry, but I really don't know how to talk to you. Or even if I should talk to you.
2. Stop sleeping around. It used to be interesting, but now it's just proving how much of a whore you are.
3. I wish you knew me as I am now, because I've changed a lot.
4. If you died...I would laugh. I'm not even exaggerating. You are the scum of human existence and I would probably kill you myself if I could get away with it.
5. I miss how it used to be.
6. I hate how much of a bitch you've become.
7. I'm glad I have you to talk to. But I feel guilty sometimes, like I only talk about myself. But I'm glad you're there.
8. You can never see the good in me. I've told you that before, but even though you deny it, it's true.
9. I hate having to feel bad about the tiniest things.
10. I'm keeping a big secret from you. I'm keeping a big secret from all of you because it would just prove you all right; I am a failure.

NINE things about yourself:

1. I'm yearning for Europe...
2. I'm a compulsive snacker and I really need to stop.
3. I'm getting bitter and frustrated.
4. I love to sing very much.
5. I am very sinful.
6. I am more like you than you think.
7. I don't think I'm pretty at all, I just like posing for my camera.
8. I go through obsessive phases.
9. I'm afraid of an afterlife. I'm agnostic, but when I die, I want it all to be over!

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1. Having an open mind
2. Listening to me rant when I feel upset.
3. Not making a big deal over the smallest things.
4. Don't laugh at things I take seriously.
5. Someone who is well-read and educated.
6. Someone who is slightly sadistic (with me, not to other people) and knows how to use it. :D
7. DO NOT TREAT ME LIKE I AM STUPID
8. Someone who is passionate. Not sexually (well, yes, probably), but passionate about something.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. REVENGE
2. Clothes. :) I can't help it!
3. Things that make me laugh
4. Things that piss me off
5. Ideas for pictures
6. Snippets of poetry that I always forget to write down
7. EUROPE

SIX things you wish you never did:

1. Acted so immature in high school. I just get really caught up, but that's not who I really am.
2. Screwed up my life so much
3. Disappointed so many people.
4. Obsess over stupid things...
5. Buy such wasteful things in my childhood. Now I know why parents are so stingy about what kids buy!!!
6. Quit piano lessons! I wish I could play!

FIVE turn offs:

1. Really cult-ish people who push their views on you and are really corny
2. Guys who read shit like Playboy, Maxim, and FHM.
3. Rap music. It's all the same.
4. Tastelessness
5. Ignorance

FOUR turn ons:

1. Really sexy cartoon characters
2. Uh, sexy older men? Great, now my blog is going to be stalked by perverts.
3. Androgynous guys
4. Nice people.

THREE smileys that describe your life:

1. :/
2. ;D
3. :'(

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1. Travel everywhere!
2. Make money! Hahah, I pretty much copied Zee in this section, but she totally nailed it.

ONE confession:

1. Sometimes, I just want to forget everything and everyone and start over. But I probably won't because I've come across some great things and people despite all the crap that's happened.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

I dreamt of Paris again last night...

2007-11-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

Oh, Roger...I know how you feel when you said that line...

I know I may have mentioned on several instances that I'm missing Europe with a burning passion. However, I don't know if anyone really knows how much my heart is yearning.

Visions of travel cloud my eyesight...the very thought of being back in Europe again fills me with dreams and sorrow. Everything brings me back to those days spent, those planes flown, those nights awake looking at the lights of the city life...

I'm not just talking about this past summer. I've been to Europe many times before (and mainly to Italy to visit my family for Christmas) but it's never enough. While I'm there I'm normally caught up in the bustle of daily life, but oh! how I cherish being there. The narrow streets, the cobblestones, the shops and cafes. Perhaps I'm a dreamer. Many people could easily say that actually living there is not so great. Well, living here is not doing much for me.

I've been spending more and more time obsessing over this. I've been reliving the memories, planning for my next visits, and, for some reason, closing my eyes and dreaming as I listen to Edith Piaf.

Such rapture she puts me in!

Sigh...farewell, my puppets...

Diana

P.S. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the wind, but I wonder if anyone reads this blog. Oh well...

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

2007-11-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today I was sorting through junk mail; the usual coupons, financial offers, sale notices, etc. Suddenly I was holding in my hand another crackpot advert with these words in big letters:

TIME IS RUNNING OUT!

If it had been a few months ago, I wouldn't have given it a second glance. The phrase was obviously urging the masses to give in to an petty offer before it was too late to save money, but those simple over-used words have been reverberating in my head ever since.

It's not a cliche for me. It's a warning.

Life is passing me by. I'm trapped here, less than content, helpless, and yearning for fulfillment and time is not resisting the current of history. Others are moving forward and I am standing still. I am in a Dark Age and I don't know how to get out.

I have places I want to go, things I want to do, but I'm tied down "for my own good" because I'm too "immature." Most of all, I feel that people think I don't deserve to live my dream life. I'm not demanding anything instantaneous, but I'm making absolutely no progress in my current environment. I'm stuck in the same repetitive cycle no matter what situation I'm in.

What if I really don't deserve to do the things my heart wants so badly? Being a good, obedient little girl for is not what I consider satisfying, but is it such a crime that I'm not giving in to society's demands? Am I more than just a bad girl, am I a bad human? I want to see the world! Is that such an outrageous request? I want to live! I want to figure out what love is, because I've never felt it. I want to be swept away by the draft of existence!

And yet, I remain shackled in this place. When will I start living free of guilt, and when, if ever, will I start breathing my own air?

Time is running out, and it breaks my heart.

Lip stain.

2007-11-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

If one word could best describe my week so far, it would be "slow."

I cannot wait for Thanksgiving break (for you international friends tuning in, most of us Americans get all of next week off) any longer! I have places to go, things to want to do...and yet, time does not seem to be on my side. Especially since daylight savings time happened. Grrr. When it's 12:00 PM it feels like 4:00PM, and when it's 4:00PM it feels like 8:00PM.

Speaking of slow, my computer has been moving slower than a puppy drowning in the Great Molasses Flood. It takes ten minutes to load a filter in Photoshop and about 5 hours to watch one episode of American Dad! (because Seth MacFarlane rocks my world). I empty my hard drive every now and then, but I have a feeling my wireless network isn't doing so well at the moment. Doesn't help that I'm stealing Internet from the neighbors...

By the way, I watch a lot of shows like Futurama, Family Guy, and American Dad! because they crack me up and help me relax; not because I think they teach me life's lessons. I don't take them seriously, I just enjoy them. And yet, adults seem to look down on me for doing so. What's wrong with enjoying myself? If I want to chillax, I'm not going to watch the presidential debates. I'm not one of those people who thinks that TV rots your brain, but I do think you should have a life as well.

Sigh.

Anyways. I really want these. They look like fun (especially for pictures!), but I'd probably get the long pair...which happens to be the most expensive. I need money, but I can't get a job and I don't get allowance. And besides, I'm saving up for a corset. Well, I'm trying to. I hardly get money so it'll be a looooong time before I have enough for a good tightlacer.

But yes, there's an update.

Farewell, my puppets!
Diana

Faint...

2007-11-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

Grrr! I got a lucid dream last night, but as soon as I realized I was dreaming I woke up. :(

Oh well, I'll try again until I get it.

Anyways, I made a mixtape. Download it here if you're interested.

Drained. Update eventually.

...puppets.
Diana

Homewrecker

2007-11-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

I got a wide-angle lens!!!! The 17-40mm. Happyhappyhappy!!!!

I went to Santa Barbara today on a little day trip. I've been there more times than I can count. I don't know, I'm not really a beach person. Well, I like the beach and the ocean, but only on gloomy, foggy days when absolutely nobody is there.

Anyways, at one point my dad, my sister, and I were walking towards the water when this inebriated homeless man walks towards us, looks at me and my sister, and tells my dad very drunkenly "Girls like that, uh, cause divorces" before we quickly moved on. I suppose he was telling me I was good looking, but he was also calling me a homewrecker. How can I be a homewrecker when I haven't even been kissed? Guys. Just. Don't. Like. Me.

So I'm not a homewrecker. Yet.

(joking...maybe.)

On another note...John Galliano's Fall/Winter 2007 ready-to-wear collection is absolutely divine.

Makes me wish I knew how to sew, or at least afford his clothes. You can see the entire show on his website in the "Ready-To-Wear" section.

Anyways, g'night my puppets!
Diana

Fork and Knife

2007-11-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

I've started keeping a dream journal as part of my quest to have lucid dreams. I've considered keeping a dream journal before, but never managed to commit to it.

I'm very interested in having lucid dreams for many reasons. First off, how cool would it be to be able to know you're dreaming and control every aspect of your dream? You could kill anyone you want, fuck anyone you want, do anything you want. It'd be like living your dream life in, well, a dream. The main reason I want to have lucid dreams would be to learn more about myself. Apparently when you're in a lucid dream you can ask your subconscious questions. You can also test out solutions to real life problems, face your fears, and find inspiration. Lucid dreams take time, patience, and exercise, but I'm definitely going to try it.

There's a difference between lucid dreams and vivid dreams. I dread vivid dreams most of the time. A vivid dream is as realistic as a lucid dream...except you don't know you're dreaming. So it feels real and you can't escape, which would be bad if it were a nightmare. I don't want to be one of those people who wakes up screaming in fear! I especially dread the possibilities of false awakenings. False awakenings are dreams where you dream you're waking up in your own room/bed but you're still asleep. It would suck if I had a false awakening and dreamed that someone was standing over my bed...

Speaking of, I once had a false awakening that bewildered me for quite some time. I woke up a few summers ago one morning with one of my usual headaches. Groggy and in pain, and reached for my Excederin. I took it and tried to fall asleep again, but the pain just kept coming back in waves and I tried to figure out what would help make it go away aside from overdosing. All of a sudden my brain realizes that I never took my Excederin at all...I only dreamed I did.

So yes. I hope this endeavor works out.

In other news...I've suddenly become very uneasy. I know why, but I don't think I'll write it here for various reasons. It's not exactly a massive secret, but it's one of those personal triggers.

Piece of advice for the evening: always return to those comfort things you know you have long since cherished. Having a security blanket always helps me out. It might be different for you, but for me it's certain musicians (like Brand New and Billy Joel) who make me feel like myself and no one can touch me. Find something for yourself that keeps it all together.

Lastly, I've been dying to see "Avenue Q" for ages now. My sister got to go! Wahhhhhh. I have a feeling lucid dreaming won't help me with this one.

Anyways.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Devil's Hell Cake

2007-11-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

Well, it's baking night. Tuesday's at Dad's are baking night because he's out of the house and I get to use the kitchen without having to be interrogated. I normally make brownies or biscuits, but tonight I had other things planned. I was hoping to make a massive batch of simple chocolate-chip cookies, but was stopped due to the lack of brown sugar (remember, Diana, get brown sugar next time you're at the store!). So I decided to tackle angel food cake.

I thought it would be simple. I had the ingredients, and the recipe, and thought I'd try it. So I start sifting together the flour and sugar, and then move on to the 12 egg whites. Everything was going fine until the 10th egg, whose yolk fell in the whites. I dove in with my fingers to get it, failed, got a spoon and tried to scoop it out. I got most of it out, but I knew that this was a bad omen.

To make a long story short, I got ahead of myself. I was getting ready to mix when I couldn't find the measuring spoons! I had to blind-sight the cream of tartar, the salt, and the vanilla. Then came the most complicated part.

You know, I thought there was really only one or two ways to mix ingredients...take a spoon and stir, or whisk smooth. Oh no. The recipe said "fold the dry ingredients in" and I was totally baffled. It didn't help that it said to mix into "medium stiff peaks." My brain is screaming "What the deuce? God dammit!" and my brain was racing to recall what little I had read on the Internet. Eventually I just mixed gently in hopes everything would be fine.

The recipe said to use a 10 in. tube pan, but since I had no fucking clue what that was (and fully aware that we probably didn't own one), I went with the 9 in. loaf pan in hopes it wouldn't matter. I poured this batter in to he pan and popped it into the oven. I cleaned the dishes, licked the mixing spoon, and waited.

What happened to this magical mixture? I do not know yet. It's in the oven as I type. All I know is that the batter didn't taste bad at all....but only time will tell whether this escapade was disastrous or not.

I'm not a bad baker at all. Seriously. I can come up with some scrumptious things. But there are nights when everything goes completely wrong! Like that one night I misread "baking powder" as "baking soda" and my brownies were this bitter sludge. Hahah.

Anyways, I'll tell you how it went. I'm calling this cake the "Devil's Hell Cake."

------

Hmm. It wasn't disastrous. However, it was far too dense and way too sweet and tangy (no doubt due to me miscalculating those measurements for the cream of tartar). It's not revolting, but it's not at all where it should be. I must learn to perfect this recipe...

I couldn't finish more than a few pieces. :( Ech. Next time it won't be so...wrong.

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Cheaters

2007-11-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

The worst times to get my headaches are when I'm in bed. I always try to deny I'm in pain because I'm comfortable and trying to sleep, but it just gets worse until I'm forced to get out of bed and get some Advil. I can't stand this! 4 years of chronic pain is enough. Every headache feels like a gangrene infection eating at the surface of my brain. And it's bad enough that people think I'm a pill popper: my dad is starting to think that I eat Advil as a snack!

I wish it would end. I can't believe it's going to be like this for the rest of my life.

Anyways.

I want to go back to Europe so badly it hurts. It's as if being on another continent is just enough for me to be distant from my problems. I want to go somewhere and see it differently. I'm so used to seeing the landmarks and I just want to go and explore the districts and the little shops. I want to see why others call that place home instead of why tourists flock there, and I want to see the places tourists don't go at all.

I don't feel like an imposter when I'm away...I feel more like an imposter when I'm home.

Farewell, puppets
Diana

Untimely, unseemly...

2007-11-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

Here's to 40 posts in my blog! Not that anyone reads it, probably. :P

Yesterday I was idly passing a few minutes worth of time in my backyard, watching my cats prance in the sparse patches of grass, and glancing at our bird feeders as the local common fowl gorged upon the bird seed. All of a sudden I hear this thuuurmpfff! and the panicked shrieking of of a bird that was obviously in pain. I quickly turned in the direction of the bird feeders expecting to see one of our cats mercilessly killing a bird...instead, there was a hawk flying away with a tiny sparrow in its talons. I watched as the hawk flew the screeching bird to the rooftop of a neighbors house, where it proceeded to kill its pitiful prey once and for all before it took flight to a nearby tree.

It was in those 10 seconds that I reflected on our mortality. We are so fragile, with nothing but soft, delicate tissue keeping our entrails from spilling onto the ground. And yet we take our existence for granted, resting assured that we will live past the next second in our frivolous forms. We live in the blissful ignorance of that sparrow, not at all thinking about how we could easily be speared by the talons of death at any given moment.

I'm not saying we should live our lives in fear...I'm just saying that our frailty should not rest so lightly upon our hearts.

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I'm an avid lover of antiques. In case you haven't noticed, I'm entranced by the recently passed centuries and would gladly give up my place in this era to live in a previous one. Today I stepped into one of my favorite antique stores (Patty's Antiques) and let myself be engulfed in such niceties for about an hour. Brass bed frames, oaken cabinets, antique spoons, dolls, tea sets...I could live in there!

Anyways, today I picked up a novel (on a complete whim, might I add) called Tina the Little Lace Maker, by a Mrs. Georgie Sheldon. Sounds silly, I know, but it's actually quite good so far. It was first published in 1882 (my copy is from 1915), thus ensuring that it contains several of my favorite literary themes: lace, Europe, pretty things, and women working under men. No doubt Kate Chopin would be revolving in her grave 50 times over if she read this one! But I can't help it, I happen to enjoy reading of women's misadventures in a men's world.

One thing that makes me smile when I read it is the linguistics. I wish people used words such as "thus", "maiden", "fair", and "declare". Each character speaks as though they mean what they say! I can take them seriously when they use such terms, something I rarely find nowadays. But I happen to be a sucker for flowery language. Sigh...

Anyways.

Farewell my puppets!
Diana

Archival...

2007-10-31T20:28:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! I'm afraid I didn't do anything except watch movies, but it was quite alright with me. I wish I had dressed up, at least. The main thing I like about Halloween is that all the really odd accessories that I would wear year-round suddenly become available! So I suppose my main disappointment is that I didn't get this dress I really wanted. Ah well, maybe I'll be able to buy it eventually. I would dress very ornately every single day if only I had the wardrobe! Someday, perhaps, someday...

A few things I felt like talking about today!

1) I've been festering this obsession with 19th-century post-mortem photography over the past few months. Some people collect stamps, pop culture memorabilia, or baseball cards, but the only things I've had the desire to collect (aside from corsets, of course) are antique mourning photographs. I find them to be very...dark of course, but slightly inspiring as well. Children, brothers, mothers, fathers, all propped up and posed to replicate the living in their sleep. You wouldn't even conclude that they are dead. Imagine, living your whole life with an antique family photo and not realizing that they are, indeed, deceased! Sigh. It is disturbing, when you think about it. All the examples you see of antique photography are of the living, but hardly have we ever been exposed to the other types (including 1800s erotica, yes). So as soon as I can acquire the funds and the means of storage, my collection of post-mortem photography will grow.

By the way, if you've seen the movie The Others (fantastic film, I highly recommend it) you might be aware of how strange this practice is. Imagine if we still did it as frequently today!

If you still have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a decently freaky example:

The girl in the middle is dead. Look carefully at her feet and you'll see a device that's propping her upright. Imagine being those parents! Having to stand for minutes with your dead daughter leaning on you like some mannequin.

But yes, I'll probably shoot some pictures inspired by this practice.

2) Vampires. And ghosts. How I would love to be paranormal! I wish I was a vampire. I would have all eternity to make a life for myself. I long to be a creature of the night. I would also delight in being a ghost...haunting people and places, making others shriek and be confused! There's really no reason why we should rule out the existence of these beings. There are so many biological oddities already in existence...so why can't there be blood-sucking, photo-sensitive humans in our midst? Do you really think humanity is all evolution could come up with? Myth tends to be based on fact. Alas, I may never know...

3) We took our new kitten to the vet today and discovered that he has herpes! Not herpes encephalitis, but a virus in his upper-respiratory system. It's still a life-long condition that is contagious between cats, but it's manageable. Squinting eyes and sensitivity to light are the side effects equivalent to the breakouts of herpes encephalitis. Anyway, it's not really anything to be freaked out or disgusted by, but it is unfortunate to have a less-than-healthy kitten.

4) I've concluded that I need a set of those silly poetry magnets. I used to scorn them, really, until yesterday; my mom and I were visiting houses on the market and one of them had this magnetic poetry stand. On a whim, I started rooting around and writing a poem and all of a sudden my mind became a little more clear! Inspiration came very quickly. And even though I took down the poem (out of fear that the owners of the house would come home, find it, claim it as their own and publish it), the magnets were a great jumping board for a poem a ended up writing later (I'm not sure I would count on them to build unedited poetry). It may not be everyone's method, but I found it really helped me. I've added the ones I want to my Amazon Wishlist if anyone here gives a fuck.

5) If I had all the money in the world, FairyGothMother corsets would probably be some of the first things I would buy. If only they weren't so expensive! I would list my favorite corsets, but "all of them" pretty much sums up which ones I like. The dresses and skirts are absolutely delectable as well...it makes me weary to know that it will be a very long time before I will be able to get my hands on even one of them!

And now I bid you all adieu!

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Talk to this!

2007-10-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

New template! It was a bit of a struggle to set up, but I'm happy with it. I drew the background on my WACOM tablet (you may recognize it from this drawing of mine). It's quite simple, yes? Yes? Good.

Anyways. Tonight is Hallows Eve. I have no plans for Halloween, unfortunately, but it's nothing new; I haven't had a Halloween in 3 years for various reasons. How I miss it! So I'll probably just watch Family Guy and avoid the trick-or-treating brats. Hahah. Maybe I'll give them something disappointing, like almonds.

Tonight is also special for me because it commemorates the tenth year I've been living in Calfornia. I'm grateful for the opportunites I've had in the past decade...but I hate living in California. Ugh! Get me out of this state, please! I don't know why people like it. It's not glamorous at all...

Sigh. I had a chat with a good friend of mine today about certain MySpace kids *cough cough* who think they are artists. It's so sad to see unremarkable pictures recieve so much merit simply because the "artist" has 2365748435 friends on MySpace to laud them. It's beyond infutirating! What is legitimate about someone with no talent who happens to be somewhat good looking? I only hope they understand that they are not so deserving.

Anyways, m'dears. I'm going to tweak this template a bit more and then I shall flee!

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Plotting...

2007-10-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went on a little day-trip to Bishop and, from there, South Lake. The aspens had just dropped all their leaves and were completely bare. The forest was soooo perfect for pictures! I'll definitely go back if/when it snows or rains for pictures. I just need a dress for it.

Something you may not know about me: I love nature and the outdoors. Hiking, camping, etc., I love it. Nature can give you any setting you want...serene, edgy, barren, creepy, harsh, and the list goes on. I am in awe of the majesty of the outdoors.

However, I am very picky. I can't stand direct sunlight. Nothing makes me more gleeful than to see the sunlight wither and die behind a slew of dark clouds! So when I camp or hike, I need it to be foggy and cloudy in order to enjoy it fully.

Another thing: I'm not a beach person. I really don't take pleasure in going to the beach at all. It's too filthy, crowded, and uncomfortable. The same reasons I don't like theme parks. The only time I love the beach is when it's empty, foggy, and gloomy. Alas, such occurrences are rare.

Anyways. I've been coming up with a lot of really creepy "Roses are red, violets are blue" rhymes, but I'm saving them for V-Day (or, as I call it, Vasectomy Day).

I have so many ideas for pictures but I can't do them because...I just am not equipped. There's always something I need- a setting, an object, certain lighting, certain lenses -that hold me back. Damn! My brain is churning with possibilities that I can't fulfill and it's driving me insane!

Is plotting revenge more fun than carrying it out?

Well, that's an easy answer; NO!

I'm really going to enjoy this little piece of vengeance I have planned. Muahahahahha! When the time is right, dearies, when the time is right...

Till next time, my puppets!
Diana

Oh, I love it now...

2007-10-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hmmm. I don't particularly see my face in anyone famous. However, some people (rarely, though) have compared my looks to certain celebrities. So, here's a decent picture of me:

Let's see, I've been compared to Gwen Stefani:

...Regina Spektor:

...Anne Hathaway:

...and, on several different occasions, Jennifer Connelly:

I know...weird, right? Because I don't think I look incredibly like any of them. My verdict: I'm not that gorgeous, sorry.

But if you honestly want to know who I think I look like, the closest I've ever gotten is a female version of Marilyn Manson:

Yes, I'm not kidding.

Anyways....

----------

Sigh. I've recently been busying myself by singing into my digital camera. Strangely pathetic of me, I must say. As if anyone is going to hear it...I simply must face the fact that my days of singing publicly are over. Perhaps someday I can pursue music as a hobby...

But yes. If you're curious about my singing voice, here's one of the videos...I'm singing "Sally's Song":

The rattling noise would be the kitten playing with a seashell. :/

Anyways...maybe I'll post more videos.

I've also been designing corsets with my WACOM tablet. Again, I doubt these designs will approach fruition anytime soon, but it is a lovely dream to have. Imagine, owning my own corsetry business! Alas, I must face reality once more.

I need some gloomy weather. I'm sick of all this sunlight and heat. Goddamn my location! I would condemn this state to burn in hell, but seeing that California is already on fire and the ashes are certainly not helping the climate, I hope that a thick blanket of snow and ice will layer itself upon this wretched terrain.

Sighsighsigh. I feel I'm losing touch with my inspiration, among other things. Who am I talking to? I have no audience anymore. I'm not just talking about this blog, but about my art as well.

I need to get out of this place! I need to explore, go on an adventure. I will most definitely not make personal progress trapped in the godforsaken rut. Give me a plane, a Greyhound, anything to quell my curiosity!

Farewell, my puppets...
Diana